So lately I've noticed (and if you follow me on social media, you have likely noticed) that I've become really negative about pregnancy. And frankly, I've been feeling pretty guilty about that. For so long, we mourned over the fact that we were struggling to stay pregnant. When I got pregnant and things were looking positive, I prayed I would be sick until I could feel that precious baby kicking. I regretted that prayer in many instances, but it still comforted me. Well, now, Vera is practically trying to bust out of my uterus and I'm still miserable. I knew pregnancy would be hard. I never expected it to be easy. I watched my mom be super sick with my brother and I heard friends complaining. In my moments of sadness, I would be so angry that they were complaining. They were pregnant, how could they complain when there are so many people around who want that? Well.... now I understand. I just wasn't completely prepared for it. Throwing up multiple times a day, headaches, the aches and pains, the swelling, the weird ridiculously itchy rash on my feet and hands... it's just been too much for me lately. And for that, I've felt guilty. How could I think those things when I wanted this so much? It's just been an ongoing battle. I haven't sugar-coated anything in our journey to have a baby, and I'm proud of that, but I also don't like the negativity I've acquired. I think I'm also self-conscious about the fact that I think I only post pregnancy-related things and I don't want to be that person, but it is my life right now! I'm trying to be more cautious on both things, but it's difficult.
I'm just ready to meet this sweet baby. I want to know what she looks like, start learning her personality, and be able to hold her. I'm getting anxious about delivery day and I'm just tired... tired of being pregnant (but it's still too soon for her to make an appearance!) I'm anxiously awaiting school to be out so I don't have to worry about it anymore and can just start enjoying myself more. Decorating her room will be fun and the beach trips we have planned will be fabulous! I know it's only going to get harder these next couple of months and I'm trying to mentally prepare for that.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I can't change anything that happened. I didn't do anything to lose our other babies but it's just an emotion that I've been noticing. There is no book on how to feel or what to do when I feel these things. All I know is I so desperately wanted to meet our 3 little ones that we lost and speaking negatively about pregnancy creates an emotion of guilt in me. I know we'll meet those babies and what a glorious day that will be! But until then, I still have this life to do, and if I'm miserable sometimes, that's okay. I know there will be many days where Vera has me so upset/mad/frustrated/confused, and I have to focus on the present and the future. I'm sure the guilt is only beginning and I know having her here with us will only create another sense of grief over never meeting our other babies, but I also know I have a responsibility to Vera (and any other babies we get to meet) and one day, there will be the most wonderful reunion Derrick and I could ever imagine. Until then, I've got to work on this guilt and know that everything can't be glorious for the rest of my life, but I can learn to be more appreciative!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Pregnancy After Miscarriage
I have thought about writing this post for some time now but would quickly realize that we had another appointment quickly approaching or something to that effect and I would shy away from posting because I thought I would jinx the health of our baby if I posted about how well things were going. That's the life of pregnancy after miscarriage. Over the past few months, I've had some friends reach out to me who were in the same boat and just didn't know how to handle it. I had nothing positive to tell them. There was no secret for how I was getting through and managing this pregnancy. Honestly, I haven't been.
From day one, I had a hard time accepting that we were pregnant. I think we both had learned to distance ourselves from the excitement. It's a sad truth but it's the only way we had learned to cope. Of course, we would be sad if we lost the baby, but it helped to not get too excited initially. When we first heard the heartbeat, we gained a little confidence. The sicker I was, the happier we were. On the days I wasn't sick, I would take note of the day and think to myself "We lost the baby today".
I refused to document this pregnancy through pictures, through a pregnancy journal, or anything that would be permanent. I would even put sonogram pictures on a shelf that I didn't see daily, just in case something happened and I wouldn't have to face it. I think a lot of this was unconscious in the moments, but looking back, I think there was more to it. Heck, I even refused to write this post for a while! I was nervous to buy a crib, clothes, everything with the thought of how hard it would be to put those things away if things didn't turn out for the best. With every symptom or lack thereof, I refused (although occasionally lapsed) to google it. For those of you in a similar boat, don't do it. Absolutely EVERYTHING can be a sign that you are miscarrying or a sign that everything is fine. There was no comfort and it usually brought me something else to be fearful about.
With every doctor's appointment, about a week before, I would begin to get really nervous. I was convinced there would be no heartbeat and I had to mentally and emotionally prepare my heart for that news that the doctor could deliver. Everytime I have to pee, it was like a freakin' science experiment examining tissue for any blood evidence. (I know that's gross, but it's true). On the days I felt good, I couldn't bring myself to exercise because after exercise was always when I had my first signs that we had lost our babies. At my last appointment, as morbid as it may sound, I asked the doctor how far along I needed to be for there to be a chance of survival. For those of you wondering, there are 3 milestones: 24 weeks and a baby will typically survive although there is a higher risk for long term problems associated with the prematurity, 28 weeks and the baby has an even better chance for survival with not a very high chance for long term problems, but likely some short term ones and, after 32 weeks, while the baby would have to spend some time in the NICU, it's almost as good as having a full term baby with little likelihood for issues.
I've spent a lot of days in prayer, especially in the beginning. Although the days were few where I had no symptoms, I would freak in those moments. If I only threw up once a day I would be nervous. In those few moments I felt good, I would pray that I would stay sick until Vera started moving regularly. God heard those prayers because it hasn't really let up! Let's just hope he heard the whole prayer and when she starts moving regularly, I'm no longer sick :) Now, in the moments that I am actually sick I wonder why the heck He chose to hear those prayers and why in the world I would have asked for that. If you've ever been pregnant and sick, you know how stupid that prayer sounds, but it's been a (weird) comfort for me. Now, when I haven't felt distinct movements for a couple days, I again will take note of the day (and sometimes time if I had a weird sensation) and find myself thinking "We just lost her".
Statistics don't comfort me anymore. I know it's unlikely to lose a baby this far along, but it was also unlikely to have 2 miscarriages in a row and even more unlikely to have 3. Seriously, it's like less than 1 percent. A heartbeat means good things, but for me, it has not provided any real comfort. I've literally had to have faith that Vera's life is not in my hands and there's nothing I can do to ensure anything.
A college friend is having a baby girl soon and naming her Vera. I wrote her to let her know I wasn't stealing her baby's name :) and she mentioned they liked the meaning of the name. I hadn't even looked this up yet! I did and found that the name Vera means "faith". It was such a defining moment for me because this whole pregnancy had been such a test of faith. With every symptom, lack of symptom, appointment, etc. I had to just trust that everything would be okay. That's not always what I did or how I handled it, but day in and day out I have to have faith that Vera is just fine. It's not easy, but it's certainly something I'm learning to do and getting more comfortable with.
The fear hasn't really left me although I have learned to put it aside and to pray through those moments or remind myself of the last time I threw up or felt movement and usually, the answer to one of those is within the past 24 hours (or usually 12 hours), and I can be calm for a little longer. So long story short, pregnancy after miscarriage is scary. There's no secret to managing all the emotions. Although time and good check ups bring a bit more confidence each time, I imagine I am not going to feel she is safe until she's in my arms, and in that moment, I'm sure there will be a whole new flood of things to be fearful about. I guess I've been welcomed into parenthood!
From day one, I had a hard time accepting that we were pregnant. I think we both had learned to distance ourselves from the excitement. It's a sad truth but it's the only way we had learned to cope. Of course, we would be sad if we lost the baby, but it helped to not get too excited initially. When we first heard the heartbeat, we gained a little confidence. The sicker I was, the happier we were. On the days I wasn't sick, I would take note of the day and think to myself "We lost the baby today".
I refused to document this pregnancy through pictures, through a pregnancy journal, or anything that would be permanent. I would even put sonogram pictures on a shelf that I didn't see daily, just in case something happened and I wouldn't have to face it. I think a lot of this was unconscious in the moments, but looking back, I think there was more to it. Heck, I even refused to write this post for a while! I was nervous to buy a crib, clothes, everything with the thought of how hard it would be to put those things away if things didn't turn out for the best. With every symptom or lack thereof, I refused (although occasionally lapsed) to google it. For those of you in a similar boat, don't do it. Absolutely EVERYTHING can be a sign that you are miscarrying or a sign that everything is fine. There was no comfort and it usually brought me something else to be fearful about.
With every doctor's appointment, about a week before, I would begin to get really nervous. I was convinced there would be no heartbeat and I had to mentally and emotionally prepare my heart for that news that the doctor could deliver. Everytime I have to pee, it was like a freakin' science experiment examining tissue for any blood evidence. (I know that's gross, but it's true). On the days I felt good, I couldn't bring myself to exercise because after exercise was always when I had my first signs that we had lost our babies. At my last appointment, as morbid as it may sound, I asked the doctor how far along I needed to be for there to be a chance of survival. For those of you wondering, there are 3 milestones: 24 weeks and a baby will typically survive although there is a higher risk for long term problems associated with the prematurity, 28 weeks and the baby has an even better chance for survival with not a very high chance for long term problems, but likely some short term ones and, after 32 weeks, while the baby would have to spend some time in the NICU, it's almost as good as having a full term baby with little likelihood for issues.
I've spent a lot of days in prayer, especially in the beginning. Although the days were few where I had no symptoms, I would freak in those moments. If I only threw up once a day I would be nervous. In those few moments I felt good, I would pray that I would stay sick until Vera started moving regularly. God heard those prayers because it hasn't really let up! Let's just hope he heard the whole prayer and when she starts moving regularly, I'm no longer sick :) Now, in the moments that I am actually sick I wonder why the heck He chose to hear those prayers and why in the world I would have asked for that. If you've ever been pregnant and sick, you know how stupid that prayer sounds, but it's been a (weird) comfort for me. Now, when I haven't felt distinct movements for a couple days, I again will take note of the day (and sometimes time if I had a weird sensation) and find myself thinking "We just lost her".
Statistics don't comfort me anymore. I know it's unlikely to lose a baby this far along, but it was also unlikely to have 2 miscarriages in a row and even more unlikely to have 3. Seriously, it's like less than 1 percent. A heartbeat means good things, but for me, it has not provided any real comfort. I've literally had to have faith that Vera's life is not in my hands and there's nothing I can do to ensure anything.
A college friend is having a baby girl soon and naming her Vera. I wrote her to let her know I wasn't stealing her baby's name :) and she mentioned they liked the meaning of the name. I hadn't even looked this up yet! I did and found that the name Vera means "faith". It was such a defining moment for me because this whole pregnancy had been such a test of faith. With every symptom, lack of symptom, appointment, etc. I had to just trust that everything would be okay. That's not always what I did or how I handled it, but day in and day out I have to have faith that Vera is just fine. It's not easy, but it's certainly something I'm learning to do and getting more comfortable with.
The fear hasn't really left me although I have learned to put it aside and to pray through those moments or remind myself of the last time I threw up or felt movement and usually, the answer to one of those is within the past 24 hours (or usually 12 hours), and I can be calm for a little longer. So long story short, pregnancy after miscarriage is scary. There's no secret to managing all the emotions. Although time and good check ups bring a bit more confidence each time, I imagine I am not going to feel she is safe until she's in my arms, and in that moment, I'm sure there will be a whole new flood of things to be fearful about. I guess I've been welcomed into parenthood!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
The Reveal
Well, it's no secret that we had our gender reveal party a little over a week ago... It's a girl! Around Tuesday (before the party), the envelope started to haunt me. I was getting anxious. I called ahead to Publix to make sure they could fill the box (that was a pain in the butt to wrap!). She said to bring it on Thursday and I could pick it up Friday. Well, on Thursday, she said she could do it and I could just wait for it. Ah! I wasn't prepared to have the box in my possession for over 24 hours. I went to my parents house and hid it in the basement without telling anyone. I knew my family would drive me crazy trying to peak (which my brother did as soon as I brought the box up on Friday!)
I've never handled parties well. I don't know why. My parents say none of us ever did. I just get anxious and on the verge of tears every time. It's strange. I knew once everyone was there, I'd be fine. I also don't like surprises. I thought I'd be ok with this one since the surprise was only one of two things but it proved to be hard, too. I like small surprises, as in Derrick bringing home flowers, but not big ones. I'm weird... I know. And I don't know what it is that makes me feel that way. It's probably because I'm not in control.
I also think finding out gender was very scary for me because it made having a baby so much real. With everything we've been through, the idea of knowing the gender was scary. It's sad that I think like that now but it's honest. It's still a little hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant. I get nervous every time we have a doctor's appointment and get afraid the baby didn't make it. But so far, every time, Vera is just perfect. I also think it's hard to believe because I don't have much of a bump yet. Sometimes, this bothers me, but then I realize it's just going to be less work to get rid of it after Vera is here. So I'm kinda loving it now! And even though I feel like I've gained 10 pounds, I've lost 3 since the beginning and have maintained that the entire way so far. So I'm okay with it :)
So about the name.... originally, Derrick and I liked the name London. As I've mentioned before we are partial to state/city/location names. It's weird, I know. I don't even remember how the conversation started, but it was a while ago. I always referred to my grandma (Dad's mom) as grandma Bonnie. My mom mentioned that her first name was Vera and I fell in love. Then I realized I could combine my Grandma Ruth (mom's mom) and my mom's middle name (Sue) and get Rue. I was instantly in love with that name and what it meant. Both of my grandma's were so very important and special to me, and obviously so is my mom. It was a little harder to convince Derrick but the more he heard it, the more he liked it. And his family has a tradition for a boy's name that we were going to go with so it's only fair I get the girl's name :) So that's where the name comes from. Oh, and it's Vera as in Vera Wang or Vera Bradley. Which I know is not phonetically correct but oh well. I'm really not sure yet how I'll refer to her.... Vera or Vera Rue. I'm sure it will be a mix. As for embroidered things, either is fine! I love how Vera Rue looks, so we'll see!
Below are some pics from the reveal!
I've never handled parties well. I don't know why. My parents say none of us ever did. I just get anxious and on the verge of tears every time. It's strange. I knew once everyone was there, I'd be fine. I also don't like surprises. I thought I'd be ok with this one since the surprise was only one of two things but it proved to be hard, too. I like small surprises, as in Derrick bringing home flowers, but not big ones. I'm weird... I know. And I don't know what it is that makes me feel that way. It's probably because I'm not in control.
I also think finding out gender was very scary for me because it made having a baby so much real. With everything we've been through, the idea of knowing the gender was scary. It's sad that I think like that now but it's honest. It's still a little hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant. I get nervous every time we have a doctor's appointment and get afraid the baby didn't make it. But so far, every time, Vera is just perfect. I also think it's hard to believe because I don't have much of a bump yet. Sometimes, this bothers me, but then I realize it's just going to be less work to get rid of it after Vera is here. So I'm kinda loving it now! And even though I feel like I've gained 10 pounds, I've lost 3 since the beginning and have maintained that the entire way so far. So I'm okay with it :)
So about the name.... originally, Derrick and I liked the name London. As I've mentioned before we are partial to state/city/location names. It's weird, I know. I don't even remember how the conversation started, but it was a while ago. I always referred to my grandma (Dad's mom) as grandma Bonnie. My mom mentioned that her first name was Vera and I fell in love. Then I realized I could combine my Grandma Ruth (mom's mom) and my mom's middle name (Sue) and get Rue. I was instantly in love with that name and what it meant. Both of my grandma's were so very important and special to me, and obviously so is my mom. It was a little harder to convince Derrick but the more he heard it, the more he liked it. And his family has a tradition for a boy's name that we were going to go with so it's only fair I get the girl's name :) So that's where the name comes from. Oh, and it's Vera as in Vera Wang or Vera Bradley. Which I know is not phonetically correct but oh well. I'm really not sure yet how I'll refer to her.... Vera or Vera Rue. I'm sure it will be a mix. As for embroidered things, either is fine! I love how Vera Rue looks, so we'll see!
Below are some pics from the reveal!
The box with the secret!
We made everyone take their pick before we revealed. Girls- 13 Boys- 12 (Mommy was right by the way :))
The reveal! When we planned the party, we didn't account for the fact that it's pitch black outside. Oh well!
It's a girl!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
A Pregnant Girl's Rant
I'm going to preface this by saying that I am beyond thrilled to be pregnant, and this far along. In no way do I wish that were different.... however, that doesn't make it a bed of roses either.
It totally sucks:
8. Felling sick all day
7. Throwing up on a pretty regular basis
6. Eating bland foods all day (to prevent reason #7)
5. Not being able to workout due to reason #8 and #7)
4. My vision completely leaving me (all because of baby!- I didn't wear glasses before but need them almost full time now!)
3. Being told to quit sleeping on your back when it's the only position that doesn't make me want to hurl
2. Not having a good's night sleep due to bathroom runs or other reasons I'm not sure of!
But the thing that sucks the most is.....
1. buying fat clothes to get fatter in.
(Maybe I'll feel different about that when I have a legit baby bump... we'll see).
Anyways, this baby {bump} business is not what it's cracked up to be!{And I'm also vain}
However, when I hear that sweet little heartbeat and see our sweet baby moving all around, it makes it all worth it.
It totally sucks:
8. Felling sick all day
7. Throwing up on a pretty regular basis
6. Eating bland foods all day (to prevent reason #7)
5. Not being able to workout due to reason #8 and #7)
4. My vision completely leaving me (all because of baby!- I didn't wear glasses before but need them almost full time now!)
3. Being told to quit sleeping on your back when it's the only position that doesn't make me want to hurl
2. Not having a good's night sleep due to bathroom runs or other reasons I'm not sure of!
But the thing that sucks the most is.....
1. buying fat clothes to get fatter in.
(Maybe I'll feel different about that when I have a legit baby bump... we'll see).
Anyways, this baby {bump} business is not what it's cracked up to be!{And I'm also vain}
However, when I hear that sweet little heartbeat and see our sweet baby moving all around, it makes it all worth it.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Wishing & Hoping & Thinking & Praying
I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. I wanted to focus on how I was feeling over the Holidays and really, it's just been so hectic since then. We've had a lot going on with work, our personal lives, and many other things. I thought about secretly blogging, and I wish I would have but we've just been so busy! I'm going to try and recreate all the emotions I've had over the past couple months... so here goes.
Before you start reading though, the most important thing you need to know is we're pregnant :) I know that's really not a surprise since getting pregnant isn't a problem for us and I think many of you have been wondering why I haven't come out with that news yet. But given our history, I think you understand! (You should also know there's really no rhyme or reason to the italic, bold, or underlines words. It just makes me feel fancy :)) Anyways, even though I said I hadn't been secretly blogging, I am now, so currently I'm 2 days shy of 12 weeks but you won't be reading this for another couple of weeks at least! I should also go ahead and apologize to the people we've flat out lied to but you people are getting comfortable asking if we're pregnant and we're so appreciative of your love and support for us but we just had to keep it under wraps for a while.
Right after Thanksgiving, we found out we were expecting. It was exciting and scary. As many of you know (well, maybe not), but we had just experienced our 3rd miscarriage in late October and that's also around the same time I got pregnant. Well, technically a couple weeks later I guess. Regardless, that made it scary too. It also gave us a lot of unknowns since we didn't know how far along we were or anything. When I took the pregnancy test, first of all, it was at night. That was a bad idea because I'm such a line freak. If it's not bright and dark, I freak out (Myrtle and Lincoln both gave us faint, on and off lines). That's not to scare anyone else, but for me personally, it meant bad things. The test was so bright and so dark. I literally fell to my knees and prayed. I couldn't go through all that again. And not so soon again. After 3 miscarriages, the excitement of wanting to tell your husband in a fun way fades. I hate that for us, but it's part of it (more on that later). Derrick was literally on his way out the door for a night meeting and I was like "Wait! Look at this"... intimate moment, right? He was a little taken back but was happy and went on his way. It's pretty sad when I think about how we've become. It's just so scary! We are trying to guard our hearts while experiencing joy at the same time. Not easy, friends. Some days, I feel like we've been so robbed of the experience, but I also know that we are going to be able to appreciate a baby in our arms so much more (not that people who don't have issues don't appreciate their baby's, but I hope you get what I mean). Anyways, we moved forward cautiously and optimistically. In my heart, it did feel a little different, but that's always hard to know if it's truly my heart or just me wanting that. As the weeks went by, we felt more and more comfortable. Nausea, along with some other noticeable symptoms, hit sometime around week 6 and hasn't let up. I've had a few good days, but I've been so miserable. Miserable, but happy :)
Long story short, we told our parents right around Christmas when we were 8 weeks and had seen the ultrasound. Oh yeah, I didn't even talk about that! Ok... this post is going to be long. Sorry. I knew I should have secretly blogged. So once we found out, we scheduled an appointment. Had an u/s and saw everything that needed to be there minus the baby. A little scary, but I was also measuring a little over 5 weeks, so not uncommon. Still scary though. We went back a week later to see our little nugget (which really was a blueberry sized mass of cells) and heard the heartbeat. I laid there and cried. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. We've never had a heartbeat and we lost Jessie before the 6 week mark (even though I was 10 weeks). It was huge for us. We went back a few weeks later and had another u/s to check on everything. It was the most amazing experience. The baby was huge! Granted, in real life it was only the size of a lime or something, but it looked massive. You could seem, the body, head, arms, and legs. It was even moving all around. AMAZING.Heard the heartbeat again, and of course, I cried again. We were feeling great. We also found out at that appointment that I was 10 weeks instead of 9. That was such an answer to prayers because when we hit week 9, I started to become very anxious. That's when things turned bad for us with Jessie. We lost Jessie right before week 10 hit. So to hear them say, "Oh, you're actually 10 weeks" and to skip that whole week I was so worried about, was incredible.
All was well until almost week 12. Let me back up just a little, because all of this ties together. Between week 10 and 12, we started contemplating switching doctors. I wasn't comfortable with delivering at the hospital in Dahlonega. I have been there a few times (our u/s have been there) and I just didn't love it. While my doctor had been amazing in helping us get some answers, I also didn't get the warm fuzzies there. We decided to switch back to the doctor we had visited after we lost Jessie (never going back to that doctor!) Well, a couple days later the original office called me back to let me know that there is a strong chance they will start delivering at one of the bigger hospitals nearby. They gave me some more details (which I'm trying to be respectful of in case they still haven't announced) so now I was back to square one. I had been so confident in our decision but now I was confused. Well, then week (almost) 12 hits. I woke up to blood. Freaked out. Made an appointment for that day, but was starting to think everything might be okay for reasons I'm not going to explain, which you'll understand in a few sentences down. But still, we were shaken. We get to the doctor and find out there is no sign of vaginal bleeding but I actually had a small hemorrhoid (I know, that's gross, but it's not like I haven't blogged about grosser things). We did the u/s (which was also great because they can now do it on my stomach!) and we saw the baby moving all around again and heard the little heartbeat. Sweetest sound ever. We were so relieved. I also realized in this moment that that was the doctor's office I wanted to be at. So I got my answer. I had also started to get really anxious because I'm almost out of progesterone (which I've been taking since we found out). I felt like an addict counting how many I had left till I ran out. My doctor was able to reassure me that I'm completely fine, which of course I fired back with some questions, mostly about "but what if my placenta isn't developed?" (because progesterone production is taken over by that) and he was able to prove to me that it had developed. So I'm really believing this was God's way of answering our doctor question and my progesterone addiction. I'm still scared to come off of it, but by the time you're reading this, I will have been off of it and had another u/s, so we will know if we're good to go!
It's been a roller coaster, but I'm so glad to be nearing trimester 2 ( I definitely just typed semester, btw). My doctor told me the chance of miscarriage at this point is slim, although I know it's always a possibility. But I have been getting nervous that as I near this trimester, that just means if I miscarry, they have to induce labor. That's a scary thing to consider, but I know women do it everyday. Regardless, we still need your prayers and love and support. We're happy and baby seems to be thriving but we go through spells! Pray for peace over the next months!
I think that about sums it up. We can't wait to share this news with you and hopefully, things are still going well at that point!
Before you start reading though, the most important thing you need to know is we're pregnant :) I know that's really not a surprise since getting pregnant isn't a problem for us and I think many of you have been wondering why I haven't come out with that news yet. But given our history, I think you understand! (You should also know there's really no rhyme or reason to the italic, bold, or underlines words. It just makes me feel fancy :)) Anyways, even though I said I hadn't been secretly blogging, I am now, so currently I'm 2 days shy of 12 weeks but you won't be reading this for another couple of weeks at least! I should also go ahead and apologize to the people we've flat out lied to but you people are getting comfortable asking if we're pregnant and we're so appreciative of your love and support for us but we just had to keep it under wraps for a while.
Right after Thanksgiving, we found out we were expecting. It was exciting and scary. As many of you know (well, maybe not), but we had just experienced our 3rd miscarriage in late October and that's also around the same time I got pregnant. Well, technically a couple weeks later I guess. Regardless, that made it scary too. It also gave us a lot of unknowns since we didn't know how far along we were or anything. When I took the pregnancy test, first of all, it was at night. That was a bad idea because I'm such a line freak. If it's not bright and dark, I freak out (Myrtle and Lincoln both gave us faint, on and off lines). That's not to scare anyone else, but for me personally, it meant bad things. The test was so bright and so dark. I literally fell to my knees and prayed. I couldn't go through all that again. And not so soon again. After 3 miscarriages, the excitement of wanting to tell your husband in a fun way fades. I hate that for us, but it's part of it (more on that later). Derrick was literally on his way out the door for a night meeting and I was like "Wait! Look at this"... intimate moment, right? He was a little taken back but was happy and went on his way. It's pretty sad when I think about how we've become. It's just so scary! We are trying to guard our hearts while experiencing joy at the same time. Not easy, friends. Some days, I feel like we've been so robbed of the experience, but I also know that we are going to be able to appreciate a baby in our arms so much more (not that people who don't have issues don't appreciate their baby's, but I hope you get what I mean). Anyways, we moved forward cautiously and optimistically. In my heart, it did feel a little different, but that's always hard to know if it's truly my heart or just me wanting that. As the weeks went by, we felt more and more comfortable. Nausea, along with some other noticeable symptoms, hit sometime around week 6 and hasn't let up. I've had a few good days, but I've been so miserable. Miserable, but happy :)
Long story short, we told our parents right around Christmas when we were 8 weeks and had seen the ultrasound. Oh yeah, I didn't even talk about that! Ok... this post is going to be long. Sorry. I knew I should have secretly blogged. So once we found out, we scheduled an appointment. Had an u/s and saw everything that needed to be there minus the baby. A little scary, but I was also measuring a little over 5 weeks, so not uncommon. Still scary though. We went back a week later to see our little nugget (which really was a blueberry sized mass of cells) and heard the heartbeat. I laid there and cried. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. We've never had a heartbeat and we lost Jessie before the 6 week mark (even though I was 10 weeks). It was huge for us. We went back a few weeks later and had another u/s to check on everything. It was the most amazing experience. The baby was huge! Granted, in real life it was only the size of a lime or something, but it looked massive. You could seem, the body, head, arms, and legs. It was even moving all around. AMAZING.Heard the heartbeat again, and of course, I cried again. We were feeling great. We also found out at that appointment that I was 10 weeks instead of 9. That was such an answer to prayers because when we hit week 9, I started to become very anxious. That's when things turned bad for us with Jessie. We lost Jessie right before week 10 hit. So to hear them say, "Oh, you're actually 10 weeks" and to skip that whole week I was so worried about, was incredible.
All was well until almost week 12. Let me back up just a little, because all of this ties together. Between week 10 and 12, we started contemplating switching doctors. I wasn't comfortable with delivering at the hospital in Dahlonega. I have been there a few times (our u/s have been there) and I just didn't love it. While my doctor had been amazing in helping us get some answers, I also didn't get the warm fuzzies there. We decided to switch back to the doctor we had visited after we lost Jessie (never going back to that doctor!) Well, a couple days later the original office called me back to let me know that there is a strong chance they will start delivering at one of the bigger hospitals nearby. They gave me some more details (which I'm trying to be respectful of in case they still haven't announced) so now I was back to square one. I had been so confident in our decision but now I was confused. Well, then week (almost) 12 hits. I woke up to blood. Freaked out. Made an appointment for that day, but was starting to think everything might be okay for reasons I'm not going to explain, which you'll understand in a few sentences down. But still, we were shaken. We get to the doctor and find out there is no sign of vaginal bleeding but I actually had a small hemorrhoid (I know, that's gross, but it's not like I haven't blogged about grosser things). We did the u/s (which was also great because they can now do it on my stomach!) and we saw the baby moving all around again and heard the little heartbeat. Sweetest sound ever. We were so relieved. I also realized in this moment that that was the doctor's office I wanted to be at. So I got my answer. I had also started to get really anxious because I'm almost out of progesterone (which I've been taking since we found out). I felt like an addict counting how many I had left till I ran out. My doctor was able to reassure me that I'm completely fine, which of course I fired back with some questions, mostly about "but what if my placenta isn't developed?" (because progesterone production is taken over by that) and he was able to prove to me that it had developed. So I'm really believing this was God's way of answering our doctor question and my progesterone addiction. I'm still scared to come off of it, but by the time you're reading this, I will have been off of it and had another u/s, so we will know if we're good to go!
It's been a roller coaster, but I'm so glad to be nearing trimester 2 ( I definitely just typed semester, btw). My doctor told me the chance of miscarriage at this point is slim, although I know it's always a possibility. But I have been getting nervous that as I near this trimester, that just means if I miscarry, they have to induce labor. That's a scary thing to consider, but I know women do it everyday. Regardless, we still need your prayers and love and support. We're happy and baby seems to be thriving but we go through spells! Pray for peace over the next months!
I think that about sums it up. We can't wait to share this news with you and hopefully, things are still going well at that point!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
New Year.... Finally!
Since about April I've wanted this year to be over. That want only grew with each new miscarriage. Today, I am more than ready for a new year! I have to admit that 2012 has been filled with so many ups and downs. We got to experience the excitement of being pregnant, a few times :) We grew so much closer and we hit the 3 year mark of marriage, had great times with our friends and family, and grew so much as individuals. It was a tough year, but many lessons learned. Regardless of all the good, I'm ready for a new year!
It's been a while since I posted so for a brief update, I've really just been trying to focus on the holidays. Thanksgiving was tough. Mostly because we should have had a newborn there with us. I had a breakdown, but after a nap, I was much better. Christmas wasn't as tough, but I think I knew what to expect. Of course, from this point on, everything will be, our baby would be this old.... etc. It's just a part of our lives now and I'm learning to deal with it. There is one exception.... I have a running New Year Resolution that I will be better at writing cards to people and I fail every year. I do hope to do that!
Now... on to 2013! At the beginning of the year, the FABS (my 4 best friends since high school) and I were talking about our New Year Resolutions. I had kinda forgot about them until I started thinking about resolutions for the new year. However, they are worth mentioning! I got quite a response out of mine... I had 3 resolutions. 1. Run a marathon; 2. Get pregnant; 3. Lose 10 pounds. Now you can see why my friends laughed. Those 3 things don't really go together. However, I'm here to proudly announce I accomplished all 3. Boom! I did run a marathon, I did get pregnant (outdid myself on this :)) and I went back and looked at my weight loss tracking and over the year, I officially lost 10 pounds. It wasn't all at one time and I did a very poor job of maintaining that loss, but it happened. So basically I learned my resolutions weren't specific enough. I should have said get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby and lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Live and learn I guess :) Now, because of our year and reflecting on these resolutions and my lack of specifics, I'm not making resolutions for 2013. My OCD will be in full drive if I do and each resolution would probably be a paragraph long with more details than even I want to think of. And I'm sure I would also be freaking out that I left a detail off. I'm pretty sure we can all predict what my resolutions would look like though. So instead of resolutions I'm going to focus on a word. This idea was brought to my attention just a couple of days ago from my friend, Jill. I didn't give it much thought for myself until now but it seems fitting. I think I am going to focus on the word grateful. No matter our circumstances, there is something to be grateful for. Best wishes to you and yours!
It's been a while since I posted so for a brief update, I've really just been trying to focus on the holidays. Thanksgiving was tough. Mostly because we should have had a newborn there with us. I had a breakdown, but after a nap, I was much better. Christmas wasn't as tough, but I think I knew what to expect. Of course, from this point on, everything will be, our baby would be this old.... etc. It's just a part of our lives now and I'm learning to deal with it. There is one exception.... I have a running New Year Resolution that I will be better at writing cards to people and I fail every year. I do hope to do that!
Now... on to 2013! At the beginning of the year, the FABS (my 4 best friends since high school) and I were talking about our New Year Resolutions. I had kinda forgot about them until I started thinking about resolutions for the new year. However, they are worth mentioning! I got quite a response out of mine... I had 3 resolutions. 1. Run a marathon; 2. Get pregnant; 3. Lose 10 pounds. Now you can see why my friends laughed. Those 3 things don't really go together. However, I'm here to proudly announce I accomplished all 3. Boom! I did run a marathon, I did get pregnant (outdid myself on this :)) and I went back and looked at my weight loss tracking and over the year, I officially lost 10 pounds. It wasn't all at one time and I did a very poor job of maintaining that loss, but it happened. So basically I learned my resolutions weren't specific enough. I should have said get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby and lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Live and learn I guess :) Now, because of our year and reflecting on these resolutions and my lack of specifics, I'm not making resolutions for 2013. My OCD will be in full drive if I do and each resolution would probably be a paragraph long with more details than even I want to think of. And I'm sure I would also be freaking out that I left a detail off. I'm pretty sure we can all predict what my resolutions would look like though. So instead of resolutions I'm going to focus on a word. This idea was brought to my attention just a couple of days ago from my friend, Jill. I didn't give it much thought for myself until now but it seems fitting. I think I am going to focus on the word grateful. No matter our circumstances, there is something to be grateful for. Best wishes to you and yours!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Pressing On
I really cannot believe it is mid-November. When we found out we were pregnant in February, I thought it would feel like forever to get to the due date. While so much has happened since that time, it went by fast! I have a lot to udpate on so good luck :)
Mid to late October, Derrick and I found out we were pregnant again. Mid to late October plus 2 days, we found out we had miscarried again. That is a complete and total shock to so many of you and I apologize. I just really hit a low this time and didn't have the courage to talk about it as openly. I was mad. Actually, I was pissed. When I first suspected something was wrong, I prayed so hard that it would not be the case and that it wasn't a pregnancy but I had already seen that positive test. I knew. My heart was broken. I was so mad at God and it took so much for me to admit that. How could He do this to us, again? I'm struggling much more with the anger phase this time around. I'm still dealing with lots of emotions, but I have also found some people to help me with that. I started attending support meetings with Rock Goodbye Angel (RGA). A friend, who has experienced her own loss, first told me about them when we lost Jessie. When we lost Myrtle, my doctor gave me some information about them. I had been looking at it and thinking about it, but I wasn't about to go to a support group meeting and be like, "Hey. I'm Lauren. I can't stay pregnant." Um... no thanks. Ashamedly, I thought I wasn't going to a support group like an alcoholic to admit anything. That is not a rip on AA! I totally support this and now I understand why those people don't want to go! But you should! They're probably like, I'm not going to meetings like those pregnancy loss people to talk about my problems. I get it. Anyways, after losing our third, I had to go. I couldn't carry it alone anymore. Derrick is super supportive and does whatever he can, whenever he can, but I needed women who understand women. Anyways, it's been a God send. I encourage you to find some type of support group if you're dealing with anything... even if it's been years! There are women there who experienced loss so many years ago and it's always going to be a struggle and you need to know that. I still have a lot of healing to do (aka when I can quit crying the whole time!) but I know I'll get there. Most importantly, I now can confidently say that I am a mom. My life changed when I saw those positive tests, and that makes me a mom. It's definitely in a different way, and I'm not claiming to know anything about motherhood or being a mother, but I have babies and that's a title no one can take away.
Of course, we ended up back at the doctor. It should also be stated that we were not trying to get pregnant, as we still had one more month before we were supposed to. I know that's really hard for some of you to hear. Those of you who are struggling with that and my heart goes out to you. But we are thankful for the ease at which we can make babies :) Heaven is going to be so much sweeter! I didn't know Derrick's grandparents, but I just picture both my grandma's loving on our sweet babies and that is a wonderful feeling. Anyways (I think I'm ADD these days!), we ended up being really encouraged. Our doctor (who I have to remember is just a doctor!) feels that this loss was chromosomal and something was not right the baby. She thinks the others have been a progesterone deficiency, which I had started taking when we found out, but literally, the next day, I miscarried, so the baby was already gone by that time. We did have chromosomal testing done, which I have previously written about, stating that I had no interest in this. Well, that changed. We decided that we needed to know, but we also decided we didn't want to know WHO it was (btw... watching Derrick get blood drawn was VERY entertaining... I now know how to make him do what I want!) . I think we would both blame ourselves for years to come. Today, we found out that everything is completely normal on both sides. I was so relieved to hear this information and I didn't even know I had been stressed about it! Tomorrow, we should find out how my Vitamin D has progressed. At this point, if we have another miscarriage, we will be referred to a specialist. I'm hoping the next one develops normally (duh), but at least we know what's next.
Of course, we also decided to name this baby. Which I have not shared with anyone now that I think about it. Not even our families! But I'm already typing this now, so oops :) We decided to name our baby Lincoln. Which is interesting, because we also already have a weird obsession with state/city names and we realized that 2 of our babies fit under this, and we had no intention of that! Anyways, Lincoln really only comes from one reason. And I apologize in advance for the lack of discretion I'm about to show (especially to our bunk mates :)), but we know when this baby was conceived, and the area we stayed in Chicago was called Lincoln Park. We so enjoyed the experience and our time here (obviously, haha) and it just reminds us of the exciting time. I had that baby with me during the marathon, even if it was just a group of cells beginning the formation of a sweet baby.
Jessie's due date also came and went. I was so anxious over this day. November 12th was our due date, and while I know a ton of things could have changed that, I had such ownership over it once we lost Jessie. It just came so quickly! I had been encouraged to find a way to honor our babies at RGA and I am so glad for this. I had already planned to get charms for my Pandora bracelet that represented them in some way, but that wasn't a real honor, or something that would continue every year. So we decided to celebrate with a small dessert. We both got some fudge (from the yummy fudge shop) and put candles (aka matches, because you can't really expect a 26 year old without children or nephews to keep candles) in it and blew them out, with wishes! That was the saddest piece of fudge I have ever eaten, but it was good for the soul! We will continue to do that, with each child, each year. We want out future children (God willing) to know about their siblings and to one day, understand. It was a tough day but we felt your love and support!
Over the past 2 weeks, I have heard the best and worst responses to our situation and I just wanted to share those! The worst has been a response that referred to our situation as awkward. Um, no. Not awkward. It really ticked me off, but I got over it am getting over it. The best was the response of "You'll get the hang of it soon!" This could have been taken offensively, but it was the first time someone had the courage to make light of it and it just made me smile (and laugh!).
I borrowed a book from one of the ladies at RGA that has helped me so much. It's called I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. It helped me to understand what the Bible says about pregnancy loss and specifically miscarriage. It answered so many questions I didn't even know I had. It gave such clarity, and I can now confidently say that when I die and go to Heaven, there will be no confusion as to who my babies are and what a sweet, sweet day that will be, for more reasons than my 3!
Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're not giving up hope yet! I also didn't proof read this post, because it's too long, so if you're reading this, I commend you and also expect you to forgive my errors :)
Mid to late October, Derrick and I found out we were pregnant again. Mid to late October plus 2 days, we found out we had miscarried again. That is a complete and total shock to so many of you and I apologize. I just really hit a low this time and didn't have the courage to talk about it as openly. I was mad. Actually, I was pissed. When I first suspected something was wrong, I prayed so hard that it would not be the case and that it wasn't a pregnancy but I had already seen that positive test. I knew. My heart was broken. I was so mad at God and it took so much for me to admit that. How could He do this to us, again? I'm struggling much more with the anger phase this time around. I'm still dealing with lots of emotions, but I have also found some people to help me with that. I started attending support meetings with Rock Goodbye Angel (RGA). A friend, who has experienced her own loss, first told me about them when we lost Jessie. When we lost Myrtle, my doctor gave me some information about them. I had been looking at it and thinking about it, but I wasn't about to go to a support group meeting and be like, "Hey. I'm Lauren. I can't stay pregnant." Um... no thanks. Ashamedly, I thought I wasn't going to a support group like an alcoholic to admit anything. That is not a rip on AA! I totally support this and now I understand why those people don't want to go! But you should! They're probably like, I'm not going to meetings like those pregnancy loss people to talk about my problems. I get it. Anyways, after losing our third, I had to go. I couldn't carry it alone anymore. Derrick is super supportive and does whatever he can, whenever he can, but I needed women who understand women. Anyways, it's been a God send. I encourage you to find some type of support group if you're dealing with anything... even if it's been years! There are women there who experienced loss so many years ago and it's always going to be a struggle and you need to know that. I still have a lot of healing to do (aka when I can quit crying the whole time!) but I know I'll get there. Most importantly, I now can confidently say that I am a mom. My life changed when I saw those positive tests, and that makes me a mom. It's definitely in a different way, and I'm not claiming to know anything about motherhood or being a mother, but I have babies and that's a title no one can take away.
Of course, we ended up back at the doctor. It should also be stated that we were not trying to get pregnant, as we still had one more month before we were supposed to. I know that's really hard for some of you to hear. Those of you who are struggling with that and my heart goes out to you. But we are thankful for the ease at which we can make babies :) Heaven is going to be so much sweeter! I didn't know Derrick's grandparents, but I just picture both my grandma's loving on our sweet babies and that is a wonderful feeling. Anyways (I think I'm ADD these days!), we ended up being really encouraged. Our doctor (who I have to remember is just a doctor!) feels that this loss was chromosomal and something was not right the baby. She thinks the others have been a progesterone deficiency, which I had started taking when we found out, but literally, the next day, I miscarried, so the baby was already gone by that time. We did have chromosomal testing done, which I have previously written about, stating that I had no interest in this. Well, that changed. We decided that we needed to know, but we also decided we didn't want to know WHO it was (btw... watching Derrick get blood drawn was VERY entertaining... I now know how to make him do what I want!) . I think we would both blame ourselves for years to come. Today, we found out that everything is completely normal on both sides. I was so relieved to hear this information and I didn't even know I had been stressed about it! Tomorrow, we should find out how my Vitamin D has progressed. At this point, if we have another miscarriage, we will be referred to a specialist. I'm hoping the next one develops normally (duh), but at least we know what's next.
Of course, we also decided to name this baby. Which I have not shared with anyone now that I think about it. Not even our families! But I'm already typing this now, so oops :) We decided to name our baby Lincoln. Which is interesting, because we also already have a weird obsession with state/city names and we realized that 2 of our babies fit under this, and we had no intention of that! Anyways, Lincoln really only comes from one reason. And I apologize in advance for the lack of discretion I'm about to show (especially to our bunk mates :)), but we know when this baby was conceived, and the area we stayed in Chicago was called Lincoln Park. We so enjoyed the experience and our time here (obviously, haha) and it just reminds us of the exciting time. I had that baby with me during the marathon, even if it was just a group of cells beginning the formation of a sweet baby.
Jessie's due date also came and went. I was so anxious over this day. November 12th was our due date, and while I know a ton of things could have changed that, I had such ownership over it once we lost Jessie. It just came so quickly! I had been encouraged to find a way to honor our babies at RGA and I am so glad for this. I had already planned to get charms for my Pandora bracelet that represented them in some way, but that wasn't a real honor, or something that would continue every year. So we decided to celebrate with a small dessert. We both got some fudge (from the yummy fudge shop) and put candles (aka matches, because you can't really expect a 26 year old without children or nephews to keep candles) in it and blew them out, with wishes! That was the saddest piece of fudge I have ever eaten, but it was good for the soul! We will continue to do that, with each child, each year. We want out future children (God willing) to know about their siblings and to one day, understand. It was a tough day but we felt your love and support!
Now for a few random comments!
Over the past 2 weeks, I have heard the best and worst responses to our situation and I just wanted to share those! The worst has been a response that referred to our situation as awkward. Um, no. Not awkward. It really ticked me off, but I
I borrowed a book from one of the ladies at RGA that has helped me so much. It's called I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. It helped me to understand what the Bible says about pregnancy loss and specifically miscarriage. It answered so many questions I didn't even know I had. It gave such clarity, and I can now confidently say that when I die and go to Heaven, there will be no confusion as to who my babies are and what a sweet, sweet day that will be, for more reasons than my 3!
Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're not giving up hope yet! I also didn't proof read this post, because it's too long, so if you're reading this, I commend you and also expect you to forgive my errors :)
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