Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Guilt

So lately I've noticed (and if you follow me on social media, you have likely noticed) that I've become really negative about pregnancy. And frankly, I've been feeling pretty guilty about that. For so long, we mourned over the fact that we were struggling to stay pregnant. When I got pregnant and things were looking positive, I prayed I would be sick until I could feel that precious baby kicking. I regretted that prayer in many instances, but it still comforted me. Well, now, Vera is practically trying to bust out of my uterus and I'm still miserable. I knew pregnancy would be hard. I never expected it to be easy. I watched my mom be super sick with my brother and I heard friends complaining. In my moments of sadness, I would be so angry that they were complaining. They were pregnant, how could they complain when there are so many people around who want that? Well.... now I understand. I just wasn't completely prepared for it. Throwing up multiple times a day, headaches, the aches and pains, the swelling, the weird ridiculously itchy rash on my feet and hands... it's just been too much for me lately. And for that, I've felt guilty. How could I think those things when I wanted this so much? It's just been an ongoing battle. I haven't sugar-coated anything in our journey to have a baby, and I'm proud of that, but I also don't like the negativity I've acquired. I think I'm also self-conscious about the fact that I think I only post pregnancy-related things and I don't want to be that person, but it is my life right now! I'm trying to be more cautious on both things, but it's difficult.

I'm just ready to meet this sweet baby. I want to know what she looks like, start learning her personality, and be able to hold her. I'm getting anxious about delivery day and I'm just tired... tired of being pregnant (but it's still too soon for her to make an appearance!) I'm anxiously awaiting school to be out so I don't have to worry about it anymore and can just start enjoying myself more. Decorating her room will be fun and the beach trips we have planned will be fabulous! I know it's only going to get harder these next couple of months and I'm trying to mentally prepare for that.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I can't change anything that happened. I didn't do anything to lose our other babies but it's just an emotion that I've been noticing. There is no book on how to feel or what to do when I feel these things. All I know is I so desperately wanted to meet our 3 little ones that we lost and speaking negatively about pregnancy creates an emotion of guilt in me. I know we'll meet those babies and what a glorious day that will be! But until then, I still have this life to do, and if I'm miserable sometimes, that's okay. I know there will be many days where Vera has me so upset/mad/frustrated/confused, and I have to focus on the present and the future. I'm sure the guilt is only beginning and I know having her here with us will only create another sense of grief over never meeting our other babies, but I also know I have a responsibility to Vera (and any other babies we get to meet) and one day, there will be the most wonderful reunion Derrick and I could ever imagine. Until then, I've got to work on this guilt and know that everything can't be glorious for the rest of my life, but I can learn to be more appreciative!