Sunday, August 16, 2015

Almost Time!

I've been wanting to write one more post prior to this baby coming so I wouldn't forget some of my experiences/thoughts! We are currently 10 days away from welcoming this little munchkin and I cannot contain my excitement! I have literally been so miserable for the past 9 1/2 months (cause those 2 extra weeks count when you start throwing up before you find out you're pregnant). Like I posted before, that miserable feeling comes with such a guilt. Guilt for wanting this so much and knowing how many people would love to be in my shoes, but still struggling to face everyday with a smile. I haven't handled this pregnancy well, and I really have tried, most days! I'm just as excited to no longer be pregnant as I am to meet this baby and find out it's gender!

Speaking of gender... we have waited to find out this time. Mostly, I told Derrick we weren't finding out and since men have no rights at the OBGYN, I was calling the shots :) He indicated he was going to be vocal at our 20 week ultrasound and find out and I insisted I would announce that I wasn't sure he was the father if he tried :) He knows I wasn't kidding, so he didn't push too hard to find out :) For the most part, I've loved not knowing. With having a scheduled c-section, there is really no surprise with this one. Around 30 weeks, I wanted to know. I was finding it really hard to connect with this baby. I have no idea if that's because I don't know gender or because I've struggled to enjoy being pregnant, but I think a lot of it has been not knowing. I've had some conversations with others who didn't find out, and they all agree it was a little harder to connect. It could also be because in a nutshell, this baby revolves around Vera. I know I will have to change my mindset with that, but everything about this pregnancy has been about how Vera will be affected. Only child problems, for now, I guess! The scheduled c-section part has been great cause I can have set plans for her. The timing of this baby puts me into tears almost every time cause my sweet Vera will start pre school 2 days after we come home with baby. Talk about guilt! We had plans for her to attend before we even knew I was pregnant, but she doesn't know that. I stress about how she will handle the new addition and if she'll know I still love her even though all of my attention is no longer on her. There are all normal feelings and thoughts, but it's just been interesting to see how my views have changed from the first time around.

I am a little sad about not going into labor. As crazy as that sounds, and as terrible as a 27 hour labor with an end result of c-section was, I really did enjoy the whole experience. I loved the excitement the day brought and the chaos of it all.  But... I'm really glad to have a set end-date!

Mostly, I can't wait to hold this sweet baby in my arms, to no longer be with child, and to not live like I have a stomach bug! Here's to cold cuts, a glass of wine, and getting my body back! 10 days people!