Monday, August 13, 2012

And the Naming Continues...

Most of you know that we named our last baby.  I'm definitely not going to go into the reasons as to why we made this decision but if you want to read more about that, you can do so here.  A few of you have asked me if we were going to name this baby as well.  At first, I wasn't ready to think about it. And to be quite honest, I did not feel as inclined to do so. I also didn't think I'd ever have to make that decision, but here I am. I started thinking about how much I hated naming one and not the other. I read back over the reasons we decided to name Jessie, and my heart was once again broken in my thoughts to not name this baby. But honestly, I've just been in a pretty bitter mood about the whole situation. So long story short, I decided I wanted a name for this baby too.

I was back to the drawing board for name choices. This time, I wanted to intentionally choose a name that had meaning. When I started looking those up, it just made me sad. I immediately quit looking and moved on through my day. I am just so tired of being sad about all the things going on. So then I started thinking....

I want to preface everything I am about to tell you. I shouldn't even really care what you think, but I kinda do. Only because some of you don't know my and Derrick's personalities well enough to know our decisions behind things. Basically, we're both pretty sarcastic and that can be taken in a couple of different ways. Our take on miscarriage is obviously not one that is taken lightly. Our hearts are broken as we try to expand our family and keep getting let down. It is a horrible situation to find yourself in and our hearts go out to anyone who has or will experience miscarriage. Our first loss was definitely a lot more shocking than the second one, but the hurt was still very abundant. With that being said, we're also trying not to dwell.

And with that being said, we decided to name our baby Myrtle. ha ... It's okay to laugh :) Now let me explain. Derrick and I found out we were pregnant while in Myrtle Beach on vacation. Derrick kept giving me a really hard time that if it was a girl, he wanted to name it Myrtle. I'm sorry if your name is Myrtle, or if your great grandmother's, that you so lovingly adore, has that name, but it kinda sucks...  Let's be honest :) Anyways, it became a big joke and while Derrick was not serious, it irked me, but in a funny way. When I first thought about that name for our baby, I was like oh, heck no! I had been praying about a name just coming to me because I couldn't just search for one again. I briefly questioned God on putting this name in my head. I mean, seriously? I let the thought pass but then I couldn't quit thinking about it. I would NEVER name a child Myrtle, but much less, a boy. But then I decided either way, the kid would be ticked, so why not?! It reminded me of the fun, exciting part of being pregnant and not the sad part of losing the baby. I brought it up to Derrick, of course prepping him for the direction in which the conversation was about to go, and he was actually on board.

We love Myrtle just as much as we love Jessie, even if we burst out laughing every time we say the name :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day by Day

What a whirlwind of a few days it has been. I have actually been blogging and not posting for a couple of weeks now. Those posts are now below if you're interested in catching up on the whole story. I blogged a couple nights ago and was definitely not in a great state of mind. It felt so good to get it all out though! I am definitely still very confused about the situation we are finding ourselves in but I learning to take it day by day. I am definitely dealing more with the anger than the sadness this time around. To jump right in, and in case you aren't reading below, Derrick and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we were 6 weeks pregnant. On Saturday, we miscarried... again.

To fill you in medically, my levels are already back to normal and those of you who have been following this story for a while now, this miscarriage was no where like the previous. It was much quicker and much less painful. According to the doctors, 2 miscarriages still does not constitute a huge concern for recurrent ones. However, I am trying not to find peace in that. I want the Lord's direction. However, medically speaking, that means that until a 3rd one happens, there is no need to do extensive testing. I'm happy about that. I will have some blood work done to test for a blood clotting disorder. Now that I am typing this, I feel like I wrote about it in one of my last posts, but I warned you that those were when my hands were winning the battle and typing without thinking. There are no obvious reasons as to why this happened a 2nd time. It's comforting to know that at this point. However, it's not comforting to know we may have to endure this a 3rd time to get real answers. I'm working on that battle.

We have been very hesitant to share this news and we just found ourselves in an awkward situation. We had been able to tell a few of people the exciting news but we were keeping it a bit more quiet. But then the miscarriage happened and we just didn't know how or whether to share that news. Well, obviously we are. And honestly, I'm doing it for the sole fact that I am so tired of answering all the questions over and over again. I am in no way annoyed with the people who have been reaching out and wanting to know what is going on, but I'm ready to have a one stop shop for people. I'm ready to move on. We do not want you feeling sorry for us, acting differently around us, or sending your wishes of love and support. We know those things and we appreciate it so much. But it makes it very hard to move on. The best thing you can do for us right now is to pray. We want to see God's plan in all of this and I personally need to be seeking God more for my strength and peace. My hearts desire is that I will carry our babies one day, but I am fully aware that may not be in God's plan for our lives. If that's the case, I want to seek that answer from Him. I have spent far too much time googling things and looking for comfort in the stories of others.

We are so thankful for each of you and while we are sad, angry, and a mix of other emotions, we are strong and we are doing just fine. Keep us in your prayers and we will keep you updated with any new information that we may have. We are not stopping in our attempts to have a baby, at least not at this point. However, if we do find ourselves pregnant with a healthy baby on the way, do not expect to know that information for at least 3 to 4 months :) Our lips are sealed and we know you will respect that!