It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. I've been blogging but not posting since we weren't sharing any news. Those blogs are below so feel free to catch yourself up. I wish I wasn't writing this blog right now, but I am. It's a part of our story and I refuse to sit in silence. This blog helps me to work through my emotions and you're either welcome to read it or to ignore it. Your decision.
Many of you are going to be completely shocked as we hadn't even had the opportunity to share that we were expecting baby #2. Many of you are close enough to us that you should have known this but we were guarding our own hearts in sharing. And maybe there's a better protocol for notifying but screw protocols right now. Unfortunately, Derrick and I have suffered through miscarriage #2. At this point, I have so many emotions going on that I can't even sort through them all. I can guarantee that I'm going to offend some of you, but this blog is for me, and right now, I couldn't really care less. I probably shouldn't even really blog in the emotional state I am in right now, but I am. It's true emotion and I don't want to sugarcoat and pretend everything is just fine. So if I do offend you personally, that was not my intention.
On Friday, July 27th, I started spotting. Immediately freaked out but tried to remain calm. I've previously posted about my struggle to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Well, hello worst! Anyways, I called the doctor and knew what they would say but needed to hear it from them. I didn't need to freak, just needed to monitor things. Woke up on Saturday morning to find that a miscarriage was in full force. Fortunately (if there is one of those in this situation), the process was not comparable pain-wise to the first miscarriage. I think that's because I was not very far along in this pregnancy (6 weeks for those of you wondering). Thankful for that. We didn't go to the doctor until Monday morning. It was the same story. They did an ultrasound and weren't completely sure. They were 90% sure, but needed blood work to confirm. Still waiting on those results, but we know the answer.
The doctors aren't very concerned at this point. Again, thankful that there are no obvious reasons as to why this happened again. However, full testing is not typically done until after 3 miscarriages. They are going to do some blood work to figure out if it's a blood clotting disorder which should be an easy fix. However, I also shouldn't have had another miscarriage so we'll see how that goes.
My mood right now is pretty pessimistic. I usually try to avoid blogging in this type of mood, but clearly not tonight. One minute, I'm content in the Lord's will for our baby making future and the next I'm blaring God songs in my car trying to remind myself that His promises are true. One minute I'm prayerful and hopeful and the next I want to punch pregnant women in the face for complaining about their pregnancy. Yes, it must be so hard to be so pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Yeah, not feeling very sorry for you right now. One minute I'm calm and at peace with what is going on and the next I'm all worked up and blogging about how much I'm questioning God's purpose in all of this.
I'm trying, I really am. But I'm struggling. I don't think I anticipated exactly how I would feel after another miscarriage. I guess you don't typically envision that though but I guess I assumed I would feel the same ways. In a lot of ways, I do. But in a lot of ways, I'm much more perplexed as to why God felt we needed to suffer 2 miscarriages. Am I still thankful for many of the things He did shield us from, such as a further along pregnancy, the pain, etc.? Absolutely. But am I mad that we're on #2 while everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having no complications? Absolutely. I'm working hard to find the good in all of this. I know I may not see it for a while. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I'm okay without ever having children but that is so not the truth. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that adoption is sufficient for us. Right now, that's not where my heart is. I want to carry my own baby. I want to be fat with stretch marks and all the other glorious things I don't know about yet brought on by delivering a precious baby. Ok, I don't want to be fat but you get the picture.
I'm tired of constantly giving up my own desires and plans only to find out a few weeks later that I can go back to those. I'm tired of it all. I want to know God's purpose for this and I want to know if we'll ever have our own babies. I know all the pain and anguish will be worth it when I hold my own baby in my arms, but how long can I hope for that? I'm certainly not ready to give up but I'm also not ready for miscarriage #3. More than anything, I need your prayers because I'm having trouble finding God in these things right now.
For those of you with children of your own, love on them tonight. Be thankful that they are at home with you and you can hold them in your arms. I would give anything to have that feeling. For those of you pregnant, embrace all the changes. Be thankful for that little life inside of you. I would do anything to be in your shoes.
The best closet ever.
1 day ago