Monday, July 30, 2012

Here We Go Again

 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. I've been blogging but not posting since we weren't sharing any news. Those blogs are below so feel free to catch yourself up. I wish I wasn't writing this blog right now, but I am. It's a part of our story and I refuse to sit in silence. This blog helps me to work through my emotions and you're either welcome to read it or to ignore it. Your decision.

Many of you are going to be completely shocked as we hadn't even had the opportunity to share that we were expecting baby #2. Many of you are close enough to us that you should have known this but we were guarding our own hearts in sharing. And maybe there's a better protocol for notifying but screw protocols right now. Unfortunately, Derrick and I have suffered through miscarriage #2. At this point, I have so many emotions going on that I can't even sort through them all. I can guarantee that I'm going to offend some of you, but this blog is for me, and right now, I couldn't really care less. I probably shouldn't even really blog in the emotional state I am in right now, but I am. It's true emotion and I don't want to sugarcoat and pretend everything is just fine. So if I do offend you personally, that was not my intention.

On Friday, July 27th, I started spotting. Immediately freaked out but tried to remain calm. I've previously posted about my struggle to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Well, hello worst! Anyways, I called the doctor and knew what they would say but needed to hear it from them. I didn't need to freak, just needed to monitor things. Woke up on Saturday morning to find that a miscarriage was in full force. Fortunately (if there is one of those in this situation), the process was not comparable pain-wise to the first miscarriage. I think that's because I was not very far along in this pregnancy (6 weeks for those of you wondering). Thankful for that. We didn't go to the doctor until Monday morning. It was the same story. They did an ultrasound and weren't completely sure. They were 90% sure, but needed blood work to confirm. Still waiting on those results, but we know the answer.

The doctors aren't very concerned at this point. Again, thankful that there are no obvious reasons as to why this happened again. However, full testing is not typically done until after 3 miscarriages. They are going to do some blood work to figure out if it's a blood clotting disorder which should be an easy fix. However, I also shouldn't have had another miscarriage so we'll see how that goes.

My mood right now is pretty pessimistic. I usually try to avoid blogging in this type of mood, but clearly not tonight. One minute, I'm content in the Lord's will for our baby making future and the next I'm blaring God songs in my car trying to remind myself that His promises are true. One minute I'm prayerful and hopeful and the next I want to punch pregnant women in the face for complaining about their pregnancy. Yes, it must be so hard to be so pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Yeah, not feeling very sorry for you right now. One minute I'm calm and at peace with what is going on and the next I'm all worked up and blogging about how much I'm questioning God's purpose in all of this.

I'm trying, I really am. But I'm struggling. I don't think I anticipated exactly how I would feel after another miscarriage. I guess you don't typically envision that though but I guess I assumed I would feel the same ways. In a lot of ways, I do. But in a lot of ways, I'm much more perplexed as to why God felt we needed to suffer 2 miscarriages. Am I still thankful for many of the things He did shield us from, such as a further along pregnancy, the pain, etc.? Absolutely. But am I mad that we're on #2 while everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having no complications? Absolutely. I'm working hard to find the good in all of this. I know I may not see it for a while. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I'm okay without ever having children but that is so not the truth. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that adoption is sufficient for us. Right now, that's not where my heart is. I want to carry my own baby. I want to be fat with stretch marks and all the other glorious things I don't know about yet brought on by delivering a precious baby. Ok, I don't want to be fat but you get the picture.

I'm tired of constantly giving up my own desires and plans only to find out a few weeks later that I can go back to those. I'm tired of it all. I want to know God's purpose for this and I want to know if we'll ever have our own babies. I know all the pain and anguish will be worth it when I hold my own baby in my arms, but how long can I hope for that? I'm certainly not ready to give up but I'm also not ready for miscarriage #3. More than anything, I need your prayers because I'm having trouble finding God in these things right now.

For those of you with children of your own, love on them tonight. Be thankful that they are at home with you and you can hold them in your arms. I would give anything to have that feeling. For those of you pregnant, embrace all the changes. Be thankful for that little life inside of you. I would do anything to be in your shoes.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Visit

I wasn't actually prepared for how nervous I would be to go to the doctor and have everything confirmed. Derrick and I went first thing Monday (7/23/12) morning to our new doctor. On the drive there, I thought I was going to throw up. Of course, it was early and I was downing water so they could do a test but my nerves started setting in. I became absolutely terrified that they were going to say, "You're not pregnant". It was such a relief when they said "Your test is positive". I was convinced they were going to say otherwise... apparently Derrick was too. In that moment, I think I felt my first bit of pure excitement. Anyways, we went on to meet with the doctor and go over a few things. Unfortunately, my Chicago marathon is out. I'm not allowed to increase my mileage. I'm a little bummed but so much more happy to be pregnant! I'll do anything to keep this baby healthy and growing! We go back in 3 weeks to (hopefully) hear a strong beating heart! My heart in anxious but I'm confident in the Lord's plan for our lives and for this baby's life.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Hoping For The Best, Preparing For The Worst

This has been my little motto (for lack of a better word) since we first found out something was wrong with our first pregnancy. I remember crying on the phone to my mom telling her I didn't know how to balance this out. At that time, I was not capable of doing both. Maybe it was because I knew in my heart and soul what was happening, but honestly I don't think this is something that can be perfected. Instead, I had to focus on God for the strength to carry me through. I was not capable of hoping our baby would be okay while also preparing my heart for the reality that was happening. I quickly learned to pray in those moments... that there really was no other option! Goodness... my jaw line is aching now holding back those tears! Just proof that you don't heal from something like we went through, but only it hurts a little less. Anyways.... I had been thinking about writing this post for a while now but just never sat down to write it. Life has been crazy these past few months. Let's have a little udpate:

Sometime in May, Derrick and I went to a new doctor. We got their advice on what to do from that point on. Basically, they advised us to wait 3 months until we started trying again. That would mean this month. He went over so many details of miscarriage and what that looks like for us now. For those of you wondering, the chance of another one is only slightly higher if you've had one. And the chance for a third one is only a little bit higher after that. Those statistics can be comforting, but I really don't think they provide me a lot of comfort. Regardless, we had a great feeling about them and decided to start using them as our provider. May also meant wrapping up the school year for me. It was a crazy year, but it was so great. In June, we took our small groups through our church down to Panama for a retreat. It was a crazy week but it was so fun! And we just got back from a week long trip to Myrtle Beach. I am in the process of wrapping up my specialist degree! 5 days left! And tomorrow, I start back to work. And that's pretty much it, in a nutshell!

                                               Well, minus one thing.... we're pregnant! 
It's so surreal to even type that. Apparently it was surreal when we found out too, because I took multiple tests. We found out the first full day of our beach trip to Myrtle. As I type this, I'm one day shy of 5 weeks. Honestly, I don't know what emotions to feel. I want to be excited, and I am to an extent, but I'm also very hesitant to feel anything. My little motto is holding true. It is so hard to hope that this baby is going to develop normally while also preparing that the same thing could happen again. I'm not sure how my heart would handle it, but I do know that it is in God's hands. I'm trying not to focus on anything really. I don't want to let myself get caught up in the pregnancy and have the same thing happen, but I also don't want to think of it as nothing! It's a very difficult place to be in, but one I'm so happy to be in.

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of pregnancy and conception and all that was so skewed. So many friends were getting pregnant and were always so thankful to God about that. Of course, I was in the same boat, however my mind often had other thoughts. When people would talk about being pregnant and how much of a miracle it was, I always thought to myself, Yeah, but I mean, that's what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be able to get pregnant and have babies and that's how God intended it. Boy were my thoughts off! I really, truly was not in the mindset of thinking it was a miracle. Miscarriage was foreign to me. I thought it more so meant that there was something wrong with one of the partners. However as I started to research it, I found how untrue that was. It is a miracle, and it's about that precious baby forming and being created perfectly by the hands of God. Andy Stanley (our pastor) was preaching not too long ago about how God will use anything to get your attention. That really stuck out to me and hit me hard. Maybe God used our miscarriage to get my attention. I am also very guilty of thinking that it was going to be my baby, our baby. Not God's child. I'm pretty baby crazy in general so this was a hard concept for me. I think God used that situation to capture my attention and to put this whole perspective of pregnancy correctly in my mind. Now, I also should say that I'm not saying I was being punished. It was simply used to get my attention. And I'm not going to justify that thought really. It's something I believe deep in my heart and it's a comforting thought to me.

I'm writing this post with no real thought of when I'm going to actually share it with everyone, but whenever I do share it, no matter what has happened between now and then, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for peace, comfort, and strength. Of course, my hope is that all those are for a continued happy, healthy pregnancy, but if not, I know that we will get through.