Wishing & Hoping & Thinking & Praying

I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. I wanted to focus on how I was feeling over the Holidays and really, it's just been so hectic since then. We've had a lot going on with work, our personal lives, and many other things. I thought about secretly blogging, and I wish I would have but we've just been so busy! I'm going to try and recreate all the emotions I've had over the past couple months... so here goes.

Before you start reading though, the most important thing you need to know is we're pregnant :) I know that's really not a surprise since getting pregnant isn't a problem for us and I think many of you have been wondering why I haven't come out with that news yet. But given our history, I think you understand! (You should also know there's really no rhyme or reason to the italic, bold, or underlines words. It just makes me feel fancy :)) Anyways, even though I said I hadn't been secretly blogging, I am now, so currently I'm 2 days shy of 12 weeks but you won't be reading this for another couple of weeks at least! I should also go ahead and apologize to the people we've flat out lied to but you people are getting comfortable asking if we're pregnant and we're so appreciative of your love and support for us but we just had to keep it under wraps for a while.

Right after Thanksgiving, we found out we were expecting. It was exciting and scary. As many of you know (well, maybe not), but we had just experienced our 3rd miscarriage in late October and that's also around the same time I got pregnant. Well, technically a couple weeks later I guess. Regardless, that made it scary too. It also gave us a lot of unknowns since we didn't know how far along we were or anything. When I took the pregnancy test, first of all, it was at night. That was a bad idea because I'm such a line freak. If it's not bright and dark, I freak out (Myrtle and Lincoln both gave us faint, on and off lines). That's not to scare anyone else, but for me personally, it meant bad things. The test was so bright and so dark. I literally fell to my knees and prayed. I couldn't go through all that again. And not so soon again. After 3 miscarriages, the excitement of wanting to tell your husband in a fun way fades. I hate that for us, but it's part of it (more on that later). Derrick was literally on his way out the door for a night meeting and I was like "Wait! Look at this"... intimate moment, right? He was a little taken back but was happy and went on his way. It's pretty sad when I think about how we've become. It's just so scary! We are trying to guard our hearts while experiencing joy at the same time. Not easy, friends. Some days, I feel like we've been so robbed of the experience, but I also know that we are going to be able to appreciate a baby in our arms so much more (not that people who don't have issues don't appreciate their baby's, but I hope you get what I mean). Anyways, we moved forward cautiously and optimistically. In my heart, it did feel a little different, but that's always hard to know if it's truly my heart or just me wanting that. As the weeks went by, we felt more and more comfortable. Nausea, along with some other noticeable symptoms, hit sometime around week 6 and hasn't let up. I've had a few good days, but I've been so miserable. Miserable, but happy :)

Long story short, we told our parents right around Christmas when we were 8 weeks and had seen the ultrasound. Oh yeah, I didn't even talk about that! Ok... this post is going to be long. Sorry. I knew I should have secretly blogged. So once we found out, we scheduled an appointment. Had an u/s and saw everything that needed to be there minus the baby. A little scary, but I was also measuring a little over 5 weeks, so not uncommon. Still scary though. We went back a week later to see our little nugget (which really was a blueberry sized mass of cells) and heard the heartbeat. I laid there and cried. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. We've never had a heartbeat and we lost Jessie before the 6 week mark (even though I was 10 weeks). It was huge for us. We went back a few weeks later and had another u/s to check on everything. It was the most amazing experience. The baby was huge! Granted, in real life it was only the size of a lime or something, but it looked massive. You could seem, the body, head, arms, and legs. It was even moving all around. AMAZING.Heard the heartbeat again, and of course, I cried again. We were feeling great. We also found out at that appointment that I was 10 weeks instead of 9. That was such an answer to prayers because when we hit week 9, I started to become very anxious. That's when things turned bad for us with Jessie. We lost Jessie right before week 10 hit. So to hear them say, "Oh, you're actually 10 weeks" and to skip that whole week I was so worried about, was incredible.

All was well until almost week 12. Let me back up just a little, because all of this ties together. Between week 10 and 12, we started contemplating switching doctors. I wasn't comfortable with delivering at the hospital in Dahlonega. I have been there a few times (our u/s have been there) and I just didn't love it. While my doctor had been amazing in helping us get some answers, I also didn't get the warm fuzzies there. We decided to switch back to the doctor we had visited after we lost Jessie (never going back to that doctor!) Well, a couple days later the original office called me back to let me know that there is a strong chance they will start delivering at one of the bigger hospitals nearby. They gave me some more details (which I'm trying to be respectful of in case they still haven't announced) so now I was back to square one. I had been so confident in our decision but now I was confused. Well, then week (almost) 12 hits. I woke up to blood. Freaked out. Made an appointment for that day, but was starting to think everything might be okay for reasons I'm not going to explain, which you'll understand in a few sentences down. But still, we were shaken. We get to the doctor and find out there is no sign of vaginal bleeding but I actually had a small hemorrhoid (I know, that's gross, but it's not like I haven't blogged about grosser things). We did the u/s (which was also great because they can now do it on my stomach!) and we saw the baby moving all around again and heard the little heartbeat. Sweetest sound ever. We were so relieved. I also realized in this moment that that was the doctor's office I wanted to be at. So I got my answer. I had also started to get really anxious because I'm almost out of progesterone (which I've been taking since we found out). I felt like an addict counting how many I had left till I ran out. My doctor was able to reassure me that I'm completely fine, which of course I fired back with some questions, mostly about "but what if my placenta isn't developed?" (because progesterone production is taken over by that) and he was able to prove to me that it had developed. So I'm really believing this was God's way of answering our doctor question and my progesterone addiction. I'm still scared to come off of it, but by the time you're reading this, I will have been off of it and had another u/s, so we will know if we're good to go!

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm so glad to be nearing trimester 2 ( I definitely just typed semester, btw). My doctor told me the chance of miscarriage at this point is slim, although I know it's always a possibility. But I have been getting nervous that as I near this trimester, that just means if I miscarry, they have to induce labor. That's a scary thing to consider, but I know women do it everyday. Regardless, we still need your prayers and love and support. We're happy and baby seems to be thriving but we go through spells! Pray for peace over the next months!

I think that about sums it up. We can't wait to share this news with you and hopefully, things are still going well at that point!