Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Pressing On

I really cannot believe it is mid-November. When we found out we were pregnant in February, I thought it would feel like forever to get to the due date. While so much has happened since that time, it went by fast! I have a lot to udpate on so good luck :)

Mid to late October, Derrick and I found out we were pregnant again. Mid to late October plus 2 days, we found out we had miscarried again. That is a complete and total shock to so many of you and I apologize. I just really hit a low this time and didn't have the courage to talk about it as openly. I was mad. Actually, I was pissed. When I first suspected something was wrong, I prayed so hard that it would not be the case and that it wasn't a pregnancy but I had already seen that positive test. I knew. My heart was broken. I was so mad at God and it took so much for me to admit that. How could He do this to us, again? I'm struggling much more with the anger phase this time around.  I'm still dealing with lots of emotions, but I have also found some people to help me with that. I started attending support meetings with Rock Goodbye Angel (RGA). A friend, who has experienced her own loss, first told me about them when we lost Jessie. When we lost Myrtle, my doctor gave me some information about them. I had been looking at it and thinking about it, but I wasn't about to go to a support group meeting and be like, "Hey. I'm Lauren. I can't stay pregnant." Um... no thanks. Ashamedly, I thought I wasn't going to a support group like an alcoholic to admit anything. That is not a rip on AA! I totally support this and now I understand why those people don't want to go! But you should! They're probably like, I'm not going to meetings like those pregnancy loss people to talk about my problems. I get it.  Anyways, after losing our third, I had to go. I couldn't carry it alone anymore. Derrick is super supportive and does whatever he can, whenever he can, but I needed women who understand women. Anyways, it's been a God send. I encourage you to find some type of support group if you're dealing with anything... even if it's been years! There are women there who experienced loss so many years ago and it's always going to be a struggle and you need to know that. I still have a lot of healing to do (aka when I can quit crying the whole time!) but I know I'll get there. Most importantly, I now can confidently say that I am a mom. My life changed when I saw those positive tests, and that makes me a mom. It's definitely in a different way, and I'm not claiming to know anything about motherhood or being a mother, but I have babies and that's a title no one can take away.

Of course, we ended up back at the doctor. It should also be stated that we were not trying to get pregnant, as we still had one more month before we were supposed to. I know that's really hard for some of you to hear. Those of you who are struggling with that and my heart goes out to you. But we are thankful for the ease at which we can make babies :) Heaven is going to be so much sweeter! I didn't know Derrick's grandparents, but I just picture both my grandma's loving on our sweet babies and that is a wonderful feeling. Anyways (I think I'm ADD these days!), we ended up being really encouraged. Our doctor (who I have to remember is just a doctor!) feels that this loss was chromosomal and something was not right the baby. She thinks the others have been a progesterone deficiency, which I had started taking when we found out, but literally, the next day, I miscarried, so the baby was already gone by that time. We did have chromosomal testing done, which I have previously written about, stating that I had no interest in this. Well, that changed. We decided that we needed to know, but we also decided we didn't want to know WHO it was (btw... watching Derrick get blood drawn was VERY entertaining... I now know how to make him do what I want!) . I think we would both blame ourselves for years to come. Today, we found out that everything is completely normal on both sides. I was so relieved to hear this information and I didn't even know I had been stressed about it! Tomorrow, we should find out how my Vitamin D has progressed. At this point, if we have another miscarriage, we will be referred to a specialist. I'm hoping the next one develops normally (duh), but at least we know what's next.

Of course, we also decided to name this baby. Which I have not shared with anyone now that I think about it. Not even our families! But I'm already typing this now, so oops :) We decided to name our baby Lincoln. Which is interesting, because we also already have a weird obsession with state/city names and we realized that 2 of our babies fit under this, and we had no intention of that! Anyways, Lincoln really only comes from one reason. And I apologize in advance for the lack of discretion I'm about to show (especially to our bunk mates :)), but we know when this baby was conceived, and the area we stayed in Chicago was called Lincoln Park. We so enjoyed the experience and our time here (obviously, haha) and it just reminds us of the exciting time. I had that baby with me during the marathon, even if it was just a group of cells beginning the formation of a sweet baby.

Jessie's due date also came and went. I was so anxious over this day. November 12th was our due date, and while I know a ton of things could have changed that, I had such ownership over it once we lost Jessie. It just came so quickly! I had been encouraged to find a way to honor our babies at RGA and I am so glad for this. I had already planned to get charms for my Pandora bracelet that represented them in some way, but that wasn't a real honor, or something that would continue every year. So we decided to celebrate with a small dessert. We both got some fudge (from the yummy fudge shop) and put candles (aka matches, because you can't really expect a 26 year old without children or nephews to keep candles) in it and blew them out, with wishes! That was the saddest piece of fudge I have ever eaten, but it was good for the soul! We will continue to do that, with each child, each year. We want out future children (God willing) to know about their siblings and to one day, understand. It was a tough day but we felt your love and support!

Now for a few random comments!

Over the past 2 weeks, I have heard the best and worst responses to our situation and I just wanted to share those! The worst has been a response that referred to our situation as awkward. Um, no. Not awkward. It really ticked me off, but I got over it am getting over it. The best was the response of "You'll get the hang of it soon!" This could have been taken offensively, but it was the first time someone had the courage to make light of it and it just made me smile (and laugh!).

I borrowed a book from one of the ladies at RGA that has helped me so much. It's called I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. It helped me to understand what the Bible says about pregnancy loss and specifically miscarriage. It answered so many questions I didn't even know I had. It gave such clarity, and I can now confidently say that when I die and go to Heaven, there will be no confusion as to who my babies are and what a sweet, sweet day that will be, for more reasons than my 3!

Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're not giving up hope yet! I also didn't proof read this post, because it's too long, so if you're reading this, I commend you and also expect you to forgive my errors :)