Here We Go Again

 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. I've been blogging but not posting since we weren't sharing any news. Those blogs are below so feel free to catch yourself up. I wish I wasn't writing this blog right now, but I am. It's a part of our story and I refuse to sit in silence. This blog helps me to work through my emotions and you're either welcome to read it or to ignore it. Your decision.

Many of you are going to be completely shocked as we hadn't even had the opportunity to share that we were expecting baby #2. Many of you are close enough to us that you should have known this but we were guarding our own hearts in sharing. And maybe there's a better protocol for notifying but screw protocols right now. Unfortunately, Derrick and I have suffered through miscarriage #2. At this point, I have so many emotions going on that I can't even sort through them all. I can guarantee that I'm going to offend some of you, but this blog is for me, and right now, I couldn't really care less. I probably shouldn't even really blog in the emotional state I am in right now, but I am. It's true emotion and I don't want to sugarcoat and pretend everything is just fine. So if I do offend you personally, that was not my intention.

On Friday, July 27th, I started spotting. Immediately freaked out but tried to remain calm. I've previously posted about my struggle to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Well, hello worst! Anyways, I called the doctor and knew what they would say but needed to hear it from them. I didn't need to freak, just needed to monitor things. Woke up on Saturday morning to find that a miscarriage was in full force. Fortunately (if there is one of those in this situation), the process was not comparable pain-wise to the first miscarriage. I think that's because I was not very far along in this pregnancy (6 weeks for those of you wondering). Thankful for that. We didn't go to the doctor until Monday morning. It was the same story. They did an ultrasound and weren't completely sure. They were 90% sure, but needed blood work to confirm. Still waiting on those results, but we know the answer.

The doctors aren't very concerned at this point. Again, thankful that there are no obvious reasons as to why this happened again. However, full testing is not typically done until after 3 miscarriages. They are going to do some blood work to figure out if it's a blood clotting disorder which should be an easy fix. However, I also shouldn't have had another miscarriage so we'll see how that goes.

My mood right now is pretty pessimistic. I usually try to avoid blogging in this type of mood, but clearly not tonight. One minute, I'm content in the Lord's will for our baby making future and the next I'm blaring God songs in my car trying to remind myself that His promises are true. One minute I'm prayerful and hopeful and the next I want to punch pregnant women in the face for complaining about their pregnancy. Yes, it must be so hard to be so pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Yeah, not feeling very sorry for you right now. One minute I'm calm and at peace with what is going on and the next I'm all worked up and blogging about how much I'm questioning God's purpose in all of this.

I'm trying, I really am. But I'm struggling. I don't think I anticipated exactly how I would feel after another miscarriage. I guess you don't typically envision that though but I guess I assumed I would feel the same ways. In a lot of ways, I do. But in a lot of ways, I'm much more perplexed as to why God felt we needed to suffer 2 miscarriages. Am I still thankful for many of the things He did shield us from, such as a further along pregnancy, the pain, etc.? Absolutely. But am I mad that we're on #2 while everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having no complications? Absolutely. I'm working hard to find the good in all of this. I know I may not see it for a while. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I'm okay without ever having children but that is so not the truth. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that adoption is sufficient for us. Right now, that's not where my heart is. I want to carry my own baby. I want to be fat with stretch marks and all the other glorious things I don't know about yet brought on by delivering a precious baby. Ok, I don't want to be fat but you get the picture.

I'm tired of constantly giving up my own desires and plans only to find out a few weeks later that I can go back to those. I'm tired of it all. I want to know God's purpose for this and I want to know if we'll ever have our own babies. I know all the pain and anguish will be worth it when I hold my own baby in my arms, but how long can I hope for that? I'm certainly not ready to give up but I'm also not ready for miscarriage #3. More than anything, I need your prayers because I'm having trouble finding God in these things right now.

For those of you with children of your own, love on them tonight. Be thankful that they are at home with you and you can hold them in your arms. I would give anything to have that feeling. For those of you pregnant, embrace all the changes. Be thankful for that little life inside of you. I would do anything to be in your shoes.

The Visit

I wasn't actually prepared for how nervous I would be to go to the doctor and have everything confirmed. Derrick and I went first thing Monday (7/23/12) morning to our new doctor. On the drive there, I thought I was going to throw up. Of course, it was early and I was downing water so they could do a test but my nerves started setting in. I became absolutely terrified that they were going to say, "You're not pregnant". It was such a relief when they said "Your test is positive". I was convinced they were going to say otherwise... apparently Derrick was too. In that moment, I think I felt my first bit of pure excitement. Anyways, we went on to meet with the doctor and go over a few things. Unfortunately, my Chicago marathon is out. I'm not allowed to increase my mileage. I'm a little bummed but so much more happy to be pregnant! I'll do anything to keep this baby healthy and growing! We go back in 3 weeks to (hopefully) hear a strong beating heart! My heart in anxious but I'm confident in the Lord's plan for our lives and for this baby's life.

Hoping For The Best, Preparing For The Worst

This has been my little motto (for lack of a better word) since we first found out something was wrong with our first pregnancy. I remember crying on the phone to my mom telling her I didn't know how to balance this out. At that time, I was not capable of doing both. Maybe it was because I knew in my heart and soul what was happening, but honestly I don't think this is something that can be perfected. Instead, I had to focus on God for the strength to carry me through. I was not capable of hoping our baby would be okay while also preparing my heart for the reality that was happening. I quickly learned to pray in those moments... that there really was no other option! Goodness... my jaw line is aching now holding back those tears! Just proof that you don't heal from something like we went through, but only it hurts a little less. Anyways.... I had been thinking about writing this post for a while now but just never sat down to write it. Life has been crazy these past few months. Let's have a little udpate:

Sometime in May, Derrick and I went to a new doctor. We got their advice on what to do from that point on. Basically, they advised us to wait 3 months until we started trying again. That would mean this month. He went over so many details of miscarriage and what that looks like for us now. For those of you wondering, the chance of another one is only slightly higher if you've had one. And the chance for a third one is only a little bit higher after that. Those statistics can be comforting, but I really don't think they provide me a lot of comfort. Regardless, we had a great feeling about them and decided to start using them as our provider. May also meant wrapping up the school year for me. It was a crazy year, but it was so great. In June, we took our small groups through our church down to Panama for a retreat. It was a crazy week but it was so fun! And we just got back from a week long trip to Myrtle Beach. I am in the process of wrapping up my specialist degree! 5 days left! And tomorrow, I start back to work. And that's pretty much it, in a nutshell!

                                               Well, minus one thing.... we're pregnant! 
It's so surreal to even type that. Apparently it was surreal when we found out too, because I took multiple tests. We found out the first full day of our beach trip to Myrtle. As I type this, I'm one day shy of 5 weeks. Honestly, I don't know what emotions to feel. I want to be excited, and I am to an extent, but I'm also very hesitant to feel anything. My little motto is holding true. It is so hard to hope that this baby is going to develop normally while also preparing that the same thing could happen again. I'm not sure how my heart would handle it, but I do know that it is in God's hands. I'm trying not to focus on anything really. I don't want to let myself get caught up in the pregnancy and have the same thing happen, but I also don't want to think of it as nothing! It's a very difficult place to be in, but one I'm so happy to be in.

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of pregnancy and conception and all that was so skewed. So many friends were getting pregnant and were always so thankful to God about that. Of course, I was in the same boat, however my mind often had other thoughts. When people would talk about being pregnant and how much of a miracle it was, I always thought to myself, Yeah, but I mean, that's what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be able to get pregnant and have babies and that's how God intended it. Boy were my thoughts off! I really, truly was not in the mindset of thinking it was a miracle. Miscarriage was foreign to me. I thought it more so meant that there was something wrong with one of the partners. However as I started to research it, I found how untrue that was. It is a miracle, and it's about that precious baby forming and being created perfectly by the hands of God. Andy Stanley (our pastor) was preaching not too long ago about how God will use anything to get your attention. That really stuck out to me and hit me hard. Maybe God used our miscarriage to get my attention. I am also very guilty of thinking that it was going to be my baby, our baby. Not God's child. I'm pretty baby crazy in general so this was a hard concept for me. I think God used that situation to capture my attention and to put this whole perspective of pregnancy correctly in my mind. Now, I also should say that I'm not saying I was being punished. It was simply used to get my attention. And I'm not going to justify that thought really. It's something I believe deep in my heart and it's a comforting thought to me.

I'm writing this post with no real thought of when I'm going to actually share it with everyone, but whenever I do share it, no matter what has happened between now and then, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for peace, comfort, and strength. Of course, my hope is that all those are for a continued happy, healthy pregnancy, but if not, I know that we will get through.

The Decision to Name

I mentioned in my last post about the decision to possibly name our sweet baby. Don't get me wrong, I totally get that it's slightly weird. I understand that it may not be typical. I understand you may think it doesn't change anything, but to me, it changes everything. Let me explain:

Just a few days after the miscarriage, I was getting so tired of referring to my baby as "it". This hadn't bothered me in the weeks I was pregnant as I knew I would be finding out soon what we would be having. Well, quickly thereafter, it began to drive me insane. So many people reaching out to us, even those with their own babies in heaven, would refer to their he or she. I just hated it. It's completely a personal opinion. For me, it's been a huge part of my healing (not that you ever heal from something like this, but the wound hurts a little less).

With this new annoyance, I had the fleeting thought of naming the baby. I had purchased an adorable picture frame when we first found out we were pregnant and I was ecstatic to put an ultrasound picture in there soon! Well, that wasn't going to be happening. At first, I figured I would just use it "next time". Now, that thought makes me so sad. I had wanted that picture frame for this baby, not another one. From that moment, I knew I needed a name. However, I was still in my own mind enough to know it was kinda weird. I had not really heard of anyone doing this (until I googled it)! And even then, it seemed like it was for people who miscarried much later on in the pregnancy. I thought I was being dramatic and let the thought pass. It creeped into my mind a few times but I decided I needed to wait until I wasn't so sad and see if it actually made sense.

Well, as time went on (and by time, I mean a couple of days), I couldn't push that thought out of my mind. I decided it wasn't AS weird anymore, and it didn't matter what other people did. I also knew I didn't want to go around telling people I had a baby and referring to its name all the time, however, for my heart to heal a little, it helped to have a name. I decided I would bring it up to Derrick. However, still acknowledging it was slightly strange, I also decided I should have an idea of what I was wanting the name to be. I couldn't really think of anything. I wanted it to be gender-neutral, obviously. I decided to just wait and think about it some more. The next night, I was lying in bed, not even thinking about this decision, and all of a sudden a name came to me. It was not a name I had ever imagined naming one of my babies. Honestly, it wasn't even a name I loved. Until now that is. I thought it was kind of weird, but in my heart, I knew that was the name I wanted for our baby. Now to convince Derrick :)

The next day, I decided to mention it to Derrick, to get his reaction. Of course, he was super supportive and told me we could do whatever we needed to if it helped me. At this point, I was glad I had thought on the name a little, or he would have named the baby something strange :) Of course, my mind had already been made up, but I wanted Derrick on board. I told him the name and he was actually okay with it. We decided to look it up to see what it meant. I'm also not sure why this occurred to me, as I'm not one to care what names mean. Well, after looking it up, tears streamed down my face for about 5 minutes, and every time I think about it, I have the same reaction. The name we chose for our baby means "God's gracious gift". That baby was a gift and we were so blessed to experience the short time that we did. We will never get to know our baby on this Earth, but I completely believe that babies have souls at conception and when I get to Heaven, I want to call my baby by name. And I will.

Now, that sweet picture frame I bought for this baby will no longer sit in a closet waiting to be used. I'm going to create a little note and place it in the frame. It will forever be our memento of our first little one, Jessie Holmes, God's gracious gift to us.

The Aftermath

According to Wikipedia, which all we know to be completely accurate :), aftermath refers to "A period of time following a disastrous event". First of all, I'm clearly in a grad school mode as I give a reference in my personal blog. Or maybe that means I'm legit. I'm not sure. Either way, aftermath is certainly an accurate term to me.

First of all, I want to express gratitude for all of you who have reached out to us during this time. We have had so many calls, texts, messages, etc. We have been completely overwhelmed and are so thankful. Your prayers mean more to us than anything and we would certainly not be making it without them.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been on a roller coaster. I'm not a crier. I usually get angry instead of crying. Ask Derrick. He's usually victim to this. I just don't enjoy crying. I tell myself to man up and move on. Unless you worked with me at Mossy Creek Elementary, you would not know I was a crier :) Well, I am now, and I'm okay with it. It's helping me deal with it all. There have been very few events in my life that made me cry continuously. Honestly, at the moment, I can only think of one; a heartbreak back in high school. I can already tell how much better I am handling this emotionally, relying on our faith and each other. The one amazing thing coming out of all this is how much closer I feel to Derrick. I'm a bit of a control freak and I've really had to rely on him for strength and to make decisions. I look more to him for guidance than I did before, which is an amazing feeling. It was something I had been praying about for a while, but was so difficult for me. It's much easier now. I'm trying to leave it that way!

I'm putting on a good face the majority of the time that I am around lots of people. Each day gets better, and I don't just sit around and cry anymore, but some days, I just don't want to go to all the trouble of smiling when I don't feel like it. Right now, I'm coming off a wonderful wedding weekend of one of my best friends. It was so amazing to be a part of it all. It was a distraction to the heartbreak in my own life. However, that's all it was. When it was all said and done, I was left very tired from the lack of sleep after all the shenanigans :) and left to face the reality. That did not bode well for Sunday night.  Luckily, I was cleared for exercise so Monday I had the excitement of getting in a run and being able to push myself again! It was nice, in a way. I wasn't planning on that back in March when we found out we were expecting, but I was thankful for it. I went for an hour long walk today with a friend but was left more crampy than I had hoped. At this point, it's hard to tell what is soreness from not running in almost 3 weeks or what is my body telling me to cool it.

I've struggled with so many thoughts over the past couple of weeks. I'm not blaming myself. I know this baby was not forming correctly and it was God's way of taking care of it. However, the future absolutely terrifies me. That is going to be my biggest struggle for the many years to come. I'm scared of it happening again. I'm scared of never having babies. I'm scared of forgetting this baby (which is leading me to the possibility of naming this baby. It may be odd, but we'll see).  I'm scared of it all. I'm not opposed to adoption at all, however, it would take much longer for us to have a baby if that is the case. Financially, we would have to wait much longer. We're praying for God's will, even though in my heart, I want to carry a baby. I'm already stressed about the possibility of another pregnancy and how I won't be able to enjoy it. I pray my heart changes between now and then and I can rely on the Lord for strength. However, I know that I can't obsess over these things.

Recently, someone I used to know has been discussing the scientific evidence behind this life. While it saddens me, I can't imagine how people can't believe in something other than this life. I have never been more aware of the Lord's love for us. A few days after the miscarriage, I literally had an out of body experience. This was still in the days of my showering and crawling back in bed to shed a few tears before Derrick would have to leave. I literally watched myself get out of the bed and continue on with my morning routine. As one foot stepped in front of the other, I was amazed at how this was happening. I wanted to lay in bed and cry but I couldn't. I had to move on. Could I do that? Absolutely. Am I going to? Absolutely not.

Many people have said to us, "you'll have other babies!" While I hope this is true, it is the last thing I want to hear. First of all, this is our first baby. We may have never got to hold it on this Earth, or get to know it, or raise it, but we loved it and were already preparing for it. Second of all, you're not a doctor. And even a doctor doesn't know that information. So just don't tell that to someone who suffered a miscarriage. Pray for them, love on them, but don't predict their future.

This process isn't over for us. Unfortunately, we still have a journey ahead of us. My levels are not where they need to be just yet and I'm still going to be going in to get that checked. This means I still have things in my uterus that shouldn't be there. So basically, I don't go anywhere without my Loritab or a nice bathroom nearby. I feel like a drug addict, constantly checking to make sure I have my drugs with me and a private location! I'm ready to be done. I'm ready for all the "firsts" to be over and for heartache to continue to be less.

Again, I don't want to close without acknowledging the blessings in this aftermath. It is so easy to talk about all the sad and scary parts, but there have been so many good parts. After finding out it wasn't all over on the same day I left for the wedding festivities to begin, my biggest fear was having another "episode" in the midst of all the wedding excitement. That didn't happen. The focus was not on me and my sadness but on my best friend and her excitement and that was a wonderful thing. The closeness I feel to Derrick each day grows which is a very exciting thing. The support from our family and friends is overwhelming and we realize how much we are loved. I get to drink wine which is awesome. :) This may be a trivial blessing, and while it was a little sad at first, I'm fully embracing it. I get to share my story. While it is not a story I ever intended to have to share, I am so thankful for the doors it is opening and the friendships I am gaining through it. You truly cannot understand this experience until you have been through it, and while my heart breaks for those who understand it, I am so thankful for their encouragement and understanding. The strength we feel from the Lord to get through each day is overwhelming. While I never hoped I would need it in such a way, it is a feeling I cannot describe.

The Unexpected

This post is raw. It is filled with the true emotion that Derrick and I have been experiencing over the past few days. Details may be too much for you and if you think that may be you, then you may not want to go on to read the rest. It will also be lengthy, but for me, I need this information written down, so that we may always remember. I'll try to keep it as "g" as possible.

Nearly 2 weeks ago, I noticed some light spotting. I was immediately concerned but was quickly reassured by my doctors that this was completely normal and unless cramping started to take my breath away or I started noticed large clots, then I was fine. Well, by that definition, I was fine. At my next appointment, I mentioned this again and they continued to not be concerned. Therefore, I tried not to be. On Monday, April 16, I called to let them know it had not stopped. Now they wanted to see me. I immediately freaked out wondering why, but tried to hold it together. I went in on Tuesday to have an ultrasound and was told that there was not a 10 week old baby in there, and there was basically no baby at all. I was devastated. They ultimately gave me some of my options but sent me on to their bigger office for an ultrasound tech to confirm the viability (aka life of the baby). However, I was also told I could come in for a D&C on Thursday, April 19. Emotion filled us. Mine more through crying, and Derrick was being strong for the both of us.
We went on to Gainesville for another ultrasound. For those of you not aware of how ultrasounds work in early trimesters, it's definitely not the gel and stomach scenario you might think. I was not excited about this, especially knowing what we had been told. Well, we waited and waited, all while the sight of all the cute pregnant women in the office immediately brought me to tears. We went back and had another ultrasound. This tech called for another set of eyes as she was not so sure. This was encouraging news, but nonetheless, it also made the unpleasant ultrasound a bit longer. Small price to pay to see if our baby was going to be okay though. These results showed that there was indeed a baby. However, it was a 6 week old baby and they couldn't find a heartbeat. This was not a huge cause for concern as the doctor believed I could only be 6 weeks and a heartbeat is not typically visible that early on. From the previous information I had received, I was completely lost at this point. We had hope and that was exciting. The doctor said at this point, they just did not know. I was to have blood drawn and come back on Thursday, April 19 (the previously scheduled D&C day) to have more blood drawn to compare my hcg levels. For those not familiar with pregnancy, hcg is what is detected in your blood and urine to determine pregnancy. If the levels had risen, things were good. If not, a miscarriage was inevitable.

So obviously, Wednesday was tough. I had a conference all day long which was nearly unbearable. I made it, but by the time I got home, I completely lost it. I couldn't quit imagining what life was now going to be like without this baby we had already made so many plans for. All of the what-ifs and how come's came crashing down like a ton of bricks. I was pretty inconsolable until I fell asleep (thanks to my husband who could calm me down enough to breathe!)! Well, waking up didn't fare too much better in this house...

On Thursday, April 19, I woke up to the previous concerns the nurses had told me to watch for. Things quickly turned even worse and I was in so much pain. I felt I could throw up at any given second (although I don't like doing this, so I kept myself from it), it hurt to sit and to stand, and there was literally no relief. Numerous things I've read and heard say it resembles labor, because my uterus was contracting, like labor pains. I'm sure it's just a degree and all of you who have actually gone through labor may state otherwise! However, it was not great. Had I been delivering a 40-week baby, I may have been able to handle it, but I wasn't. After a series of phone calls, my doctors told me to wait until Friday to come in to compare my hcg levels. Then, due to blood loss, I ended up at the doctor. Luckily, my blood levels were great and I wouldn't have to be admitted for a D&C, nor would I need a transfusion or anything else. They did another (not so great) ultrasound and it was confirmed. I had officially miscarried.

While I had known this in my heart since Tuesday afternoon, I had such a difficult time hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, however not much can prepare you for seeing everything that should have shown up on an ultrasound 2 days prior and suddenly not being able to see anything on the ultrasound. That was hard. I had since taken some meds so my pain was slowing down and I was just so happy to be able to breathe, that I made it through okay. Derrick made it through okay, too. However, I hope no one I ever know has to go through that.

There have already been so many answers to prayers during this whole process. I am so thankful I did not have to make a decision as to how to "expel" everything and that it happened naturally, at my home. There have been so many small signs of the Lord showing up in our lives. I'm not usually one for "signs" but these warrant mentioning. A sweet friend texted me very early this morning with Isiah 41:10- "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Little did she know that the process of the miscarriage had already begun. Overnight, someone had slid 2 small cards under our door, each with bible verses on them. And for those of you who don't know, we live in residence halls on NGCSU campus. We often get things under our door, but never bible verses. And no students here yet knew of our circumstances. I walked out to my car (before things turned worse) to get Chick Fil A for breakfast and there was a small note from a friend, encouraging me and praying for me. None of these people were aware of what was going on at the exact time these things appeared. Whether you are a believer or not, those are signs. Each of those was the comfort of the Lord showing up in our lives. More specifically, in my eyes, Isiah 41:10 was being brought to my attention in more ways than one.

While we are extremely sad that we will never get to meet or get to know this baby on this Earth, we can confidently say that we await the day when we get to meet our sweet baby in Heaven. As I write this with tears in my eyes, I have to say that I am already finding a strength I didn't know possible. Without Derrick by my side, I would not be making it. Without our amazing families and group of friends, we would not be making it. Without our faith, we surely would not make it.

Running and Pregnancy

I could leave this post blank and that would be enough. That's what running is like, being pregnant. Empty! Blank. Worthless! It's quite frustrating. Let me explain...

I started running in October of 2010. I became obsessed with it quickly and developed a love I never knew I had. I used to loathe running! Since that time, running became one of my biggest hobbies and soon was one of Derrick's biggest hobbies, too. We were constantly training for something and most of our weekends involved some type of race. We loved it! We still do. However, since learning of this pregnancy, my running has taken a turn for the worse. The weekend after I found I was pregnant, my 10k time was almost 10 minutes slower than 2 weeks before. Sure, maybe I'm more aware of things and being cautious. But for a competitive runner, 10 minutes is not acceptable. For the past year, I was waking up at 4:30ish to run with friend before work. Since my new job, that time was pushed to 6am, which was great. However, when you wake up feeling nauseous, running is the last thing on my mind. Luckily, I found a resolution for this. Anyways, my point is the struggle. Races just don't bring me the same excitement, knowing I won't be placing, nor will I be making a new PR.

Running used to be my stress reliever. My time to think about all the things going on in my life. When I ran with friends, it was a time to talk about life and support one another. Well, now, my runs stress me out even more! I'm learning to cope. I'm learning that I need a new plan. But it's not easy. I can no longer run with the endurance I had a mere 9 weeks ago. My run has become a slow jog, intermittent with walking. I get out of breath within 5 minutes of fast jog. I'm really not okay with this but I'm learning. Everytime I'm out there, I remind myself... at least I'm out here. I've heard over and over, "but you're pregnant now"! I don't care! Well, I do care, but I still miss my running!

I was signed up for my first marathon in early October. In the back of my head, I had convinced myself that even if I wound up pregnant before then, I could still walk/run it. I wasn't planning on being 35 weeks pregnant the day of the race. I've finally come to the conclusion it won't be happening. And mostly because I don't want to drive to Chicago and flying is not safe that late. I'm pretty bummed, but I've already decided I'm going to do one after the baby! Hopefully that keeps me motivated during the next 8 months to continue with what I can. I will be doing the Peachtree in July. I'll be 20 weeks then, so I'm sure walking will be involved, but it will still be fun!

Right now, I long for the day when I can have a "good run". Where I come back being refreshed and excited about my time! I'd make do with a nice glass of red wine, too, but that's not happening anytime soon either. :)

I really am happy I'm pregnant, but I refuse to write a blog only talking about the good things. There are negatives, but I know it will all be worth it in the end!

And I'll get that good run in, with a cute little baby in the jogging stroller with me :)