Hoping For The Best, Preparing For The Worst

This has been my little motto (for lack of a better word) since we first found out something was wrong with our first pregnancy. I remember crying on the phone to my mom telling her I didn't know how to balance this out. At that time, I was not capable of doing both. Maybe it was because I knew in my heart and soul what was happening, but honestly I don't think this is something that can be perfected. Instead, I had to focus on God for the strength to carry me through. I was not capable of hoping our baby would be okay while also preparing my heart for the reality that was happening. I quickly learned to pray in those moments... that there really was no other option! Goodness... my jaw line is aching now holding back those tears! Just proof that you don't heal from something like we went through, but only it hurts a little less. Anyways.... I had been thinking about writing this post for a while now but just never sat down to write it. Life has been crazy these past few months. Let's have a little udpate:

Sometime in May, Derrick and I went to a new doctor. We got their advice on what to do from that point on. Basically, they advised us to wait 3 months until we started trying again. That would mean this month. He went over so many details of miscarriage and what that looks like for us now. For those of you wondering, the chance of another one is only slightly higher if you've had one. And the chance for a third one is only a little bit higher after that. Those statistics can be comforting, but I really don't think they provide me a lot of comfort. Regardless, we had a great feeling about them and decided to start using them as our provider. May also meant wrapping up the school year for me. It was a crazy year, but it was so great. In June, we took our small groups through our church down to Panama for a retreat. It was a crazy week but it was so fun! And we just got back from a week long trip to Myrtle Beach. I am in the process of wrapping up my specialist degree! 5 days left! And tomorrow, I start back to work. And that's pretty much it, in a nutshell!

                                               Well, minus one thing.... we're pregnant! 
It's so surreal to even type that. Apparently it was surreal when we found out too, because I took multiple tests. We found out the first full day of our beach trip to Myrtle. As I type this, I'm one day shy of 5 weeks. Honestly, I don't know what emotions to feel. I want to be excited, and I am to an extent, but I'm also very hesitant to feel anything. My little motto is holding true. It is so hard to hope that this baby is going to develop normally while also preparing that the same thing could happen again. I'm not sure how my heart would handle it, but I do know that it is in God's hands. I'm trying not to focus on anything really. I don't want to let myself get caught up in the pregnancy and have the same thing happen, but I also don't want to think of it as nothing! It's a very difficult place to be in, but one I'm so happy to be in.

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of pregnancy and conception and all that was so skewed. So many friends were getting pregnant and were always so thankful to God about that. Of course, I was in the same boat, however my mind often had other thoughts. When people would talk about being pregnant and how much of a miracle it was, I always thought to myself, Yeah, but I mean, that's what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be able to get pregnant and have babies and that's how God intended it. Boy were my thoughts off! I really, truly was not in the mindset of thinking it was a miracle. Miscarriage was foreign to me. I thought it more so meant that there was something wrong with one of the partners. However as I started to research it, I found how untrue that was. It is a miracle, and it's about that precious baby forming and being created perfectly by the hands of God. Andy Stanley (our pastor) was preaching not too long ago about how God will use anything to get your attention. That really stuck out to me and hit me hard. Maybe God used our miscarriage to get my attention. I am also very guilty of thinking that it was going to be my baby, our baby. Not God's child. I'm pretty baby crazy in general so this was a hard concept for me. I think God used that situation to capture my attention and to put this whole perspective of pregnancy correctly in my mind. Now, I also should say that I'm not saying I was being punished. It was simply used to get my attention. And I'm not going to justify that thought really. It's something I believe deep in my heart and it's a comforting thought to me.

I'm writing this post with no real thought of when I'm going to actually share it with everyone, but whenever I do share it, no matter what has happened between now and then, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for peace, comfort, and strength. Of course, my hope is that all those are for a continued happy, healthy pregnancy, but if not, I know that we will get through.