Breastfeeding Woes

Before I even get started, this post is not meant to become a debate (for all 2 of you who leave comments :)). I absolutely know and acknowledge that breastfeeding is the absolute best nutrition for a baby.

I've commented before that in 2010 I had a breast reduction surgery. It was not a hard decision for me to make. I knew that I was risking the possibility of breastfeeding one day and that was the one con that I battled with at the time. However, we went through with the surgery and it was seriously one of the best decisions I made. I had dealt with it long enough and wanted the surgery. It made such a huge difference in my life.

Now fast-forward to pregnancy... my entire pregnancy I hoped and prayed that I would be able to breastfeed, despite the decision I made to have the surgery. A few times, I found myself questioning if I had made the right decision to have the surgery and if it had been too selfish. While I decided I don't think that, I just hoped for the best. I looked into things I could do during pregnancy to help my supply and did a lot of research on it. Turns out, I really just had to wait and see what would happen. I had become okay with the idea of supplementing formula since it was very likely I would need to do this. However, I still hoped I wouldn't have to! We were armed with an app that would let us track her feedings and her diapers, which would tell us if she was getting enough food.

Now fast-forward to right after Vera's birth. She immediately latched and I was so happy. She wasn't crying, so I knew she was getting something. We met with the lactation consultant, in the hospital, who encouraged the paci as a training tool and a shield since Vera was thrusting her tongue and couldn't stay latched. It immediately fixed the problem and I was feeling really confident about things! We were tracking everything religiously and according to the amount of wet and poopy diapers, she was getting enough. After we got home, something changed. Granted, I was on pain killers and my hormones were likely all over the place, but I found myself really stressed over feeding. I was a hot mess, crying through practically every feeding. And when I wasn't nursing her, I was stressing about the next feeding. I was fortunate enough that everything was going so great. I barely had any discomfort and to the outsider looking in (which there weren't any of these since that's creepy), everything was great. However, I absolutely.hated.it. I felt so guilty that I hated it so much. I felt trapped. I couldn't drive so it wasn't like I was trying to go anywhere, but I felt like I was never going to be able to leave the house again, nor was I going to be able to be away from Vera ever again. I was working toward scheduling her, but those first few days are really unpredictable and sometimes she wanted to eat an hour after she had just eaten. I was for sure my life was over. And those sweet moments women talk about it that they have while they sit and nurse their babies... yeah, I didn't have that. It wasn't "sweet" to me and I dreaded each feeding. I seriously couldn't quit crying. A lot of it wasn't even feeding-induced but over the course of a few days I realized that the root of most of my crying was over feeding (and missing Derrick!). At Vera's first doctor's appointment, we talked about the feeding. I started crying and the pediatrician looked at me and said "Formula-fed babies can still go to Harvard". Of course, they recommend breastfeeding, and I wasn't questioning which was healthier. I knew that answer. But it was so nice to hear that. He let me know that if it was stressing me about to the point of not enjoying my baby that it's not worth it. Well, I wasn't really "enjoying" anything 3 days post-delivery so I decided to stick it out until Derrick and I could talk about it and until I knew my milk was in. Well, my milk came in and I still hated it. I finally told Derrick about how I was feeling and we really needed to talk about it. He gave me so much encouragement. I reached out to a few friends who gave me so much support. When I reached out to them, I honestly was expecting them to tell me it gets so much better and that it will be okay! However, what I heard was so different. Each of them told me that it is really hard and it's a job in itself. The conversations extended past that, but they all told me it was okay if I quit. Not that I needed their approval, but it was so wonderful to hear that breastfeeding moms understood and weren't judging the fact that I hated it. Some of them hated it too! We started supplementing a little after that. When we were out and about, I would give her a bottle. It was so freeing. I immediately felt relief and honestly, I felt like I could love on her a little more because she wasn't trapping me and I wasn't associating her with stress anymore. However, the issue still made me cry. I knew breast milk was the best and I was so conflicted since I had so desperately wanted to be able to. I felt guilty about the possibility of switching to formula when I was able to breastfeed. I was pumping as well, and was barely getting anything, so pumping a bottle for her wasn't an option either.

Fast forward to her 2 week check up. She still wasn't to birth weight and wasn't close enough. Not a huge deal, but something to watch out for. I kept breastfeeding and was giving a bottle sometimes. However, she also started sleeping a lot better this week! We had to go back after a week, and she still wasn't there. Supplementing was now something we needed to do. We did so and I also was trying some things to help increase my supply. It started working almost immediately and I was excited!! Now that I knew I could give her a bottle when I wanted to, I suddenly wanted to be able to breastfeed. Just being able to be out and about and not have to go sit in the car or in a bathroom was fabulous. I know some people are cool with whipping it out wherever they are, but I wasn't. Not even with a cover. There's an art to using that cover and I don't think brand new moms have that down just yet. So anyways... as you can tell, I couldn't make up my mind about anything. We were back at the doctor to check her weight again. Still.not.there. So now, we had to give her a certain amount at each feeding to make sure she was getting 2.5-3 ounces at every feeding. I was still breastfeeding at each feeding. I would breastfeed, give bottle, and then pump. It was a terribly long ordeal but I committed to it to see what would happen. Her sleep also turned glorious this week! At her next appointment, we finally had her to birth weight! That was just last week, so it's been such a battle! But we're there. After multiple attempts to increase my supply, it seemed like it was only getting smaller. It took me about a week to pump 3 ounces for her. Any mom knows that's insane. That should be one feeding. She was spitting up, and we were switching formula weekly to help with it. Because the possibility of acid reflux was coming up, I wanted to be able to breastfeed even more, since she never spit up that. But that's also likely because she was barely getting anything. However, the right formula has seemed to really help that issue although she does seem to be a happy spitter! Still praying it doesn't turn into reflux. Last weekend, we decided to quit fighting the battle. I truly did not have enough for her and the process of feeding, pumping, bottle was exhausting, especially when she was barely getting anything from me. At 5.5 weeks, we decided to go formula only. Which is basically what it was before that but I felt better knowing she was getting a little from me. I truly do hate that it turned out the way it did, even though in the beginning I desperately wanted to quit, but I'm just so happy to finally have a set plan! I was able to quit cold turkey, which also says a lot. I never had to pump or wean it and I never hurt or got uncomfortable.

I write all of this so that other moms know breastfeeding isn't the picture perfect scenario it seems to be. I surely thought it was! I knew it could hurt but that it was temporary. I didn't know how trapping it felt and I had NO idea other moms felt that, too! For myself, I found that after the baby blues started to disappear, it didn't seem as bad. I still didn't get the warm fuzzies from it, but I could do it and be okay with it. I'm glad I pushed through and can have good thought about it now, and with (possible) future babies, I'll try again, but right now, I'm thankful for formula, and that's okay!

and that's the last mommy post on my list.... (for now :))