While I am determined to not make this a pregnancy and miscarriage blog, I also want to keep everyone updated. And since this is a lot of what is going on in our lives right now, it's also very much about us and what is going on. But be on the lookout for more non-baby related posts!
As you may know, our doctor's prognosis for testing in the future was to suffer through one more miscarriage before testing was needed. This seemed to be the most common answer when I talked to people. I didn't like it, but I also wanted to listen to the doctors and do whatever they recommended. A few people began reaching out to me and telling me their experiences with recurrent miscarriage and what their issues had been. At first, I was just listening, but as numerous people kept bringing this up, even when I was not the one initiating any discussion on the topic, it started to resonate with me. In the midst of these conversations was also the name of a particular doctor. I found myself in battle between following doctor's orders and taking a stand for my own health. I thought it was crazy to wait for another miscarriage, but I also was comforted by the fact that my doctor's did not consider it cause for testing just yet. Well, I decided there was no way we could lose another baby with this new information I was getting.
I have mentioned before (I think) that my doctor's were interested in chromosomal testing if a third miscarriage was to occur. I started thinking about this, and for me, chromosome testing was not what I wanted at this point. Now, I am speaking on my view of what this entails. I never discussed it further with our doctor as it was not something we would do just yet. With that said, I could be completely wrong on what the results would tell me or the types of tests we would do. To me, chromosome testing would test our chromosomes (obviously) and let us know if there were any issues with those. In my head, this only told us who the problem was stemming from, and really would not offer any solutions. I know it would give us more information, but at this point, I wanted to rule out things first. This new doctor was known for being much more proactive and finding more answers. After one of the conversations I was having with someone, I called and made the appointment, which so happens to be in Dahlonega, which is very strange to me!
Less than one week later, I was sitting in the doctor's office with Derrick, making a plan with this doctor. Now, it should be stated that I'm not jumping doctors. I still really like the doctors we switched to but I didn't like their plan for testing. At this point, I have not made a real decision as to who we will continue to see. Right now, we're taking it one step at a time. The only negative about this new doctor is that she does things at Chestatee Hospital, which is not okay with me :) A few days before this appointment, I was at the other office, getting the blood work done that was originally in the plan. It tests for blood clotting disorders. This was also the first step the new doctor wanted to try. However, her next step was to do a Hysterosalpingogram (dye test) if the bloodwork came back normal. The dye test is where they inject dye into my uterus and look at X Rays to see where the dye went. This will show if there are any abnormalities within the uterus or surrounding areas that may be affecting a baby being able to implant properly and thrive. There could be a number of answers from this test. The test takes about 15 minutes and we will have answers immediately. That part is super exciting, as I will leave knowing the results and the next steps. I was advised to take some pain meds before going in, which of course has me worried. That prompted me to google it, which was a bad idea. I'm thinking about a couple glasses of wine at 5:30am :) Just kidding! I go in for that tomorrow morning at 6am! Unfortunately, I will have to do it at Chestatee. If you know the Dahlonega area, you know why that is scary! But they aren't putting me to sleep or anything, so hopefully I survive :) Actually, I'm slightly okay with going here so I can form my own opinion about the hospital and not the horror stories I have heard! The results of the blood clotting bloodwork have not come back yet. Some of them did, and they are normal, but apparently the 2 big ones they are looking for are still at the lab. We're going to go ahead with the dye test, regardless. So hopefully by tomorrow late afternoon, we will have dye test answers as well as blood clotting answers.
I'm so excited to be moving forward with some of this and finding answers. I hope we get answers quickly, but I am also aware that all of these tests may come back normal. One big thing we found out from this doctor is that the chance of another miscarriage within 3 months of a miscarriage, is over 60% higher. It may have been more than that, possibly 80%, I can't remember. While that totally sucks that we didn't know that before, it kinda puts us back at the first miscarriage being a "fluke" and the 2nd one resulting in us getting pregnant too quickly. Some people have asked me about that, but according to both previous doctors, there were differing opinions on the waiting period. To me, it makes sense. But in our drive to have a baby, we listened to the doctors without doing much research on our own.
It was hard to make the decision to see this new , as I wanted to seek God's will. It's hard to differentiate between "signs", but I like to think of those as God. I hope we're making the right decision by going through some of these tests. It's exciting to me, so I hope that's a good sign :) Stay tuned for results and updates!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
And the Naming Continues...
Most of you know that we named our last baby. I'm definitely not going to go into the reasons as to why we made this decision but if you want to read more about that, you can do so here. A few of you have asked me if we were going to name this baby as well. At first, I wasn't ready to think about it. And to be quite honest, I did not feel as inclined to do so. I also didn't think I'd ever have to make that decision, but here I am. I started thinking about how much I hated naming one and not the other. I read back over the reasons we decided to name Jessie, and my heart was once again broken in my thoughts to not name this baby. But honestly, I've just been in a pretty bitter mood about the whole situation. So long story short, I decided I wanted a name for this baby too.
I was back to the drawing board for name choices. This time, I wanted to intentionally choose a name that had meaning. When I started looking those up, it just made me sad. I immediately quit looking and moved on through my day. I am just so tired of being sad about all the things going on. So then I started thinking....
I want to preface everything I am about to tell you. I shouldn't even really care what you think, but I kinda do. Only because some of you don't know my and Derrick's personalities well enough to know our decisions behind things. Basically, we're both pretty sarcastic and that can be taken in a couple of different ways. Our take on miscarriage is obviously not one that is taken lightly. Our hearts are broken as we try to expand our family and keep getting let down. It is a horrible situation to find yourself in and our hearts go out to anyone who has or will experience miscarriage. Our first loss was definitely a lot more shocking than the second one, but the hurt was still very abundant. With that being said, we're also trying not to dwell.
And with that being said, we decided to name our baby Myrtle. ha ... It's okay to laugh :) Now let me explain. Derrick and I found out we were pregnant while in Myrtle Beach on vacation. Derrick kept giving me a really hard time that if it was a girl, he wanted to name it Myrtle. I'm sorry if your name is Myrtle, or if your great grandmother's, that you so lovingly adore, has that name, but it kinda sucks... Let's be honest :) Anyways, it became a big joke and while Derrick was not serious, it irked me, but in a funny way. When I first thought about that name for our baby, I was like oh, heck no! I had been praying about a name just coming to me because I couldn't just search for one again. I briefly questioned God on putting this name in my head. I mean, seriously? I let the thought pass but then I couldn't quit thinking about it. I would NEVER name a child Myrtle, but much less, a boy. But then I decided either way, the kid would be ticked, so why not?! It reminded me of the fun, exciting part of being pregnant and not the sad part of losing the baby. I brought it up to Derrick, of course prepping him for the direction in which the conversation was about to go, and he was actually on board.
We love Myrtle just as much as we love Jessie, even if we burst out laughing every time we say the name :)
I was back to the drawing board for name choices. This time, I wanted to intentionally choose a name that had meaning. When I started looking those up, it just made me sad. I immediately quit looking and moved on through my day. I am just so tired of being sad about all the things going on. So then I started thinking....
I want to preface everything I am about to tell you. I shouldn't even really care what you think, but I kinda do. Only because some of you don't know my and Derrick's personalities well enough to know our decisions behind things. Basically, we're both pretty sarcastic and that can be taken in a couple of different ways. Our take on miscarriage is obviously not one that is taken lightly. Our hearts are broken as we try to expand our family and keep getting let down. It is a horrible situation to find yourself in and our hearts go out to anyone who has or will experience miscarriage. Our first loss was definitely a lot more shocking than the second one, but the hurt was still very abundant. With that being said, we're also trying not to dwell.
And with that being said, we decided to name our baby Myrtle. ha ... It's okay to laugh :) Now let me explain. Derrick and I found out we were pregnant while in Myrtle Beach on vacation. Derrick kept giving me a really hard time that if it was a girl, he wanted to name it Myrtle. I'm sorry if your name is Myrtle, or if your great grandmother's, that you so lovingly adore, has that name, but it kinda sucks... Let's be honest :) Anyways, it became a big joke and while Derrick was not serious, it irked me, but in a funny way. When I first thought about that name for our baby, I was like oh, heck no! I had been praying about a name just coming to me because I couldn't just search for one again. I briefly questioned God on putting this name in my head. I mean, seriously? I let the thought pass but then I couldn't quit thinking about it. I would NEVER name a child Myrtle, but much less, a boy. But then I decided either way, the kid would be ticked, so why not?! It reminded me of the fun, exciting part of being pregnant and not the sad part of losing the baby. I brought it up to Derrick, of course prepping him for the direction in which the conversation was about to go, and he was actually on board.
We love Myrtle just as much as we love Jessie, even if we burst out laughing every time we say the name :)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Day by Day
What a whirlwind of a few days it has been. I have actually been blogging and not posting for a couple of weeks now. Those posts are now below if you're interested in catching up on the whole story. I blogged a couple nights ago and was definitely not in a great state of mind. It felt so good to get it all out though! I am definitely still very confused about the situation we are finding ourselves in but I learning to take it day by day. I am definitely dealing more with the anger than the sadness this time around. To jump right in, and in case you aren't reading below, Derrick and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we were 6 weeks pregnant. On Saturday, we miscarried... again.
To fill you in medically, my levels are already back to normal and those of you who have been following this story for a while now, this miscarriage was no where like the previous. It was much quicker and much less painful. According to the doctors, 2 miscarriages still does not constitute a huge concern for recurrent ones. However, I am trying not to find peace in that. I want the Lord's direction. However, medically speaking, that means that until a 3rd one happens, there is no need to do extensive testing. I'm happy about that. I will have some blood work done to test for a blood clotting disorder. Now that I am typing this, I feel like I wrote about it in one of my last posts, but I warned you that those were when my hands were winning the battle and typing without thinking. There are no obvious reasons as to why this happened a 2nd time. It's comforting to know that at this point. However, it's not comforting to know we may have to endure this a 3rd time to get real answers. I'm working on that battle.
We have been very hesitant to share this news and we just found ourselves in an awkward situation. We had been able to tell a few of people the exciting news but we were keeping it a bit more quiet. But then the miscarriage happened and we just didn't know how or whether to share that news. Well, obviously we are. And honestly, I'm doing it for the sole fact that I am so tired of answering all the questions over and over again. I am in no way annoyed with the people who have been reaching out and wanting to know what is going on, but I'm ready to have a one stop shop for people. I'm ready to move on. We do not want you feeling sorry for us, acting differently around us, or sending your wishes of love and support. We know those things and we appreciate it so much. But it makes it very hard to move on. The best thing you can do for us right now is to pray. We want to see God's plan in all of this and I personally need to be seeking God more for my strength and peace. My hearts desire is that I will carry our babies one day, but I am fully aware that may not be in God's plan for our lives. If that's the case, I want to seek that answer from Him. I have spent far too much time googling things and looking for comfort in the stories of others.
We are so thankful for each of you and while we are sad, angry, and a mix of other emotions, we are strong and we are doing just fine. Keep us in your prayers and we will keep you updated with any new information that we may have. We are not stopping in our attempts to have a baby, at least not at this point. However, if we do find ourselves pregnant with a healthy baby on the way, do not expect to know that information for at least 3 to 4 months :) Our lips are sealed and we know you will respect that!
To fill you in medically, my levels are already back to normal and those of you who have been following this story for a while now, this miscarriage was no where like the previous. It was much quicker and much less painful. According to the doctors, 2 miscarriages still does not constitute a huge concern for recurrent ones. However, I am trying not to find peace in that. I want the Lord's direction. However, medically speaking, that means that until a 3rd one happens, there is no need to do extensive testing. I'm happy about that. I will have some blood work done to test for a blood clotting disorder. Now that I am typing this, I feel like I wrote about it in one of my last posts, but I warned you that those were when my hands were winning the battle and typing without thinking. There are no obvious reasons as to why this happened a 2nd time. It's comforting to know that at this point. However, it's not comforting to know we may have to endure this a 3rd time to get real answers. I'm working on that battle.
We have been very hesitant to share this news and we just found ourselves in an awkward situation. We had been able to tell a few of people the exciting news but we were keeping it a bit more quiet. But then the miscarriage happened and we just didn't know how or whether to share that news. Well, obviously we are. And honestly, I'm doing it for the sole fact that I am so tired of answering all the questions over and over again. I am in no way annoyed with the people who have been reaching out and wanting to know what is going on, but I'm ready to have a one stop shop for people. I'm ready to move on. We do not want you feeling sorry for us, acting differently around us, or sending your wishes of love and support. We know those things and we appreciate it so much. But it makes it very hard to move on. The best thing you can do for us right now is to pray. We want to see God's plan in all of this and I personally need to be seeking God more for my strength and peace. My hearts desire is that I will carry our babies one day, but I am fully aware that may not be in God's plan for our lives. If that's the case, I want to seek that answer from Him. I have spent far too much time googling things and looking for comfort in the stories of others.
We are so thankful for each of you and while we are sad, angry, and a mix of other emotions, we are strong and we are doing just fine. Keep us in your prayers and we will keep you updated with any new information that we may have. We are not stopping in our attempts to have a baby, at least not at this point. However, if we do find ourselves pregnant with a healthy baby on the way, do not expect to know that information for at least 3 to 4 months :) Our lips are sealed and we know you will respect that!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Here We Go Again
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. I've been blogging but not posting since we weren't sharing any news. Those blogs are below so feel free to catch yourself up. I wish I wasn't writing this blog right now, but I am. It's a part of our story and I refuse to sit in silence. This blog helps me to work through my emotions and you're either welcome to read it or to ignore it. Your decision.
Many of you are going to be completely shocked as we hadn't even had the opportunity to share that we were expecting baby #2. Many of you are close enough to us that you should have known this but we were guarding our own hearts in sharing. And maybe there's a better protocol for notifying but screw protocols right now. Unfortunately, Derrick and I have suffered through miscarriage #2. At this point, I have so many emotions going on that I can't even sort through them all. I can guarantee that I'm going to offend some of you, but this blog is for me, and right now, I couldn't really care less. I probably shouldn't even really blog in the emotional state I am in right now, but I am. It's true emotion and I don't want to sugarcoat and pretend everything is just fine. So if I do offend you personally, that was not my intention.
On Friday, July 27th, I started spotting. Immediately freaked out but tried to remain calm. I've previously posted about my struggle to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Well, hello worst! Anyways, I called the doctor and knew what they would say but needed to hear it from them. I didn't need to freak, just needed to monitor things. Woke up on Saturday morning to find that a miscarriage was in full force. Fortunately (if there is one of those in this situation), the process was not comparable pain-wise to the first miscarriage. I think that's because I was not very far along in this pregnancy (6 weeks for those of you wondering). Thankful for that. We didn't go to the doctor until Monday morning. It was the same story. They did an ultrasound and weren't completely sure. They were 90% sure, but needed blood work to confirm. Still waiting on those results, but we know the answer.
The doctors aren't very concerned at this point. Again, thankful that there are no obvious reasons as to why this happened again. However, full testing is not typically done until after 3 miscarriages. They are going to do some blood work to figure out if it's a blood clotting disorder which should be an easy fix. However, I also shouldn't have had another miscarriage so we'll see how that goes.
My mood right now is pretty pessimistic. I usually try to avoid blogging in this type of mood, but clearly not tonight. One minute, I'm content in the Lord's will for our baby making future and the next I'm blaring God songs in my car trying to remind myself that His promises are true. One minute I'm prayerful and hopeful and the next I want to punch pregnant women in the face for complaining about their pregnancy. Yes, it must be so hard to be so pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Yeah, not feeling very sorry for you right now. One minute I'm calm and at peace with what is going on and the next I'm all worked up and blogging about how much I'm questioning God's purpose in all of this.
I'm trying, I really am. But I'm struggling. I don't think I anticipated exactly how I would feel after another miscarriage. I guess you don't typically envision that though but I guess I assumed I would feel the same ways. In a lot of ways, I do. But in a lot of ways, I'm much more perplexed as to why God felt we needed to suffer 2 miscarriages. Am I still thankful for many of the things He did shield us from, such as a further along pregnancy, the pain, etc.? Absolutely. But am I mad that we're on #2 while everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having no complications? Absolutely. I'm working hard to find the good in all of this. I know I may not see it for a while. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I'm okay without ever having children but that is so not the truth. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that adoption is sufficient for us. Right now, that's not where my heart is. I want to carry my own baby. I want to be fat with stretch marks and all the other glorious things I don't know about yet brought on by delivering a precious baby. Ok, I don't want to be fat but you get the picture.
I'm tired of constantly giving up my own desires and plans only to find out a few weeks later that I can go back to those. I'm tired of it all. I want to know God's purpose for this and I want to know if we'll ever have our own babies. I know all the pain and anguish will be worth it when I hold my own baby in my arms, but how long can I hope for that? I'm certainly not ready to give up but I'm also not ready for miscarriage #3. More than anything, I need your prayers because I'm having trouble finding God in these things right now.
For those of you with children of your own, love on them tonight. Be thankful that they are at home with you and you can hold them in your arms. I would give anything to have that feeling. For those of you pregnant, embrace all the changes. Be thankful for that little life inside of you. I would do anything to be in your shoes.
Many of you are going to be completely shocked as we hadn't even had the opportunity to share that we were expecting baby #2. Many of you are close enough to us that you should have known this but we were guarding our own hearts in sharing. And maybe there's a better protocol for notifying but screw protocols right now. Unfortunately, Derrick and I have suffered through miscarriage #2. At this point, I have so many emotions going on that I can't even sort through them all. I can guarantee that I'm going to offend some of you, but this blog is for me, and right now, I couldn't really care less. I probably shouldn't even really blog in the emotional state I am in right now, but I am. It's true emotion and I don't want to sugarcoat and pretend everything is just fine. So if I do offend you personally, that was not my intention.
On Friday, July 27th, I started spotting. Immediately freaked out but tried to remain calm. I've previously posted about my struggle to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Well, hello worst! Anyways, I called the doctor and knew what they would say but needed to hear it from them. I didn't need to freak, just needed to monitor things. Woke up on Saturday morning to find that a miscarriage was in full force. Fortunately (if there is one of those in this situation), the process was not comparable pain-wise to the first miscarriage. I think that's because I was not very far along in this pregnancy (6 weeks for those of you wondering). Thankful for that. We didn't go to the doctor until Monday morning. It was the same story. They did an ultrasound and weren't completely sure. They were 90% sure, but needed blood work to confirm. Still waiting on those results, but we know the answer.
The doctors aren't very concerned at this point. Again, thankful that there are no obvious reasons as to why this happened again. However, full testing is not typically done until after 3 miscarriages. They are going to do some blood work to figure out if it's a blood clotting disorder which should be an easy fix. However, I also shouldn't have had another miscarriage so we'll see how that goes.
My mood right now is pretty pessimistic. I usually try to avoid blogging in this type of mood, but clearly not tonight. One minute, I'm content in the Lord's will for our baby making future and the next I'm blaring God songs in my car trying to remind myself that His promises are true. One minute I'm prayerful and hopeful and the next I want to punch pregnant women in the face for complaining about their pregnancy. Yes, it must be so hard to be so pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Yeah, not feeling very sorry for you right now. One minute I'm calm and at peace with what is going on and the next I'm all worked up and blogging about how much I'm questioning God's purpose in all of this.
I'm trying, I really am. But I'm struggling. I don't think I anticipated exactly how I would feel after another miscarriage. I guess you don't typically envision that though but I guess I assumed I would feel the same ways. In a lot of ways, I do. But in a lot of ways, I'm much more perplexed as to why God felt we needed to suffer 2 miscarriages. Am I still thankful for many of the things He did shield us from, such as a further along pregnancy, the pain, etc.? Absolutely. But am I mad that we're on #2 while everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and having no complications? Absolutely. I'm working hard to find the good in all of this. I know I may not see it for a while. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I'm okay without ever having children but that is so not the truth. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that adoption is sufficient for us. Right now, that's not where my heart is. I want to carry my own baby. I want to be fat with stretch marks and all the other glorious things I don't know about yet brought on by delivering a precious baby. Ok, I don't want to be fat but you get the picture.
I'm tired of constantly giving up my own desires and plans only to find out a few weeks later that I can go back to those. I'm tired of it all. I want to know God's purpose for this and I want to know if we'll ever have our own babies. I know all the pain and anguish will be worth it when I hold my own baby in my arms, but how long can I hope for that? I'm certainly not ready to give up but I'm also not ready for miscarriage #3. More than anything, I need your prayers because I'm having trouble finding God in these things right now.
For those of you with children of your own, love on them tonight. Be thankful that they are at home with you and you can hold them in your arms. I would give anything to have that feeling. For those of you pregnant, embrace all the changes. Be thankful for that little life inside of you. I would do anything to be in your shoes.
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Visit
I wasn't actually prepared for how nervous I would be to go to the doctor and have everything confirmed. Derrick and I went first thing Monday (7/23/12) morning to our new doctor. On the drive there, I thought I was going to throw up. Of course, it was early and I was downing water so they could do a test but my nerves started setting in. I became absolutely terrified that they were going to say, "You're not pregnant". It was such a relief when they said "Your test is positive". I was convinced they were going to say otherwise... apparently Derrick was too. In that moment, I think I felt my first bit of pure excitement. Anyways, we went on to meet with the doctor and go over a few things. Unfortunately, my Chicago marathon is out. I'm not allowed to increase my mileage. I'm a little bummed but so much more happy to be pregnant! I'll do anything to keep this baby healthy and growing! We go back in 3 weeks to (hopefully) hear a strong beating heart! My heart in anxious but I'm confident in the Lord's plan for our lives and for this baby's life.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Hoping For The Best, Preparing For The Worst
This has been my little motto (for lack of a better word) since we first found out something was wrong with our first pregnancy. I remember crying on the phone to my mom telling her I didn't know how to balance this out. At that time, I was not capable of doing both. Maybe it was because I knew in my heart and soul what was happening, but honestly I don't think this is something that can be perfected. Instead, I had to focus on God for the strength to carry me through. I was not capable of hoping our baby would be okay while also preparing my heart for the reality that was happening. I quickly learned to pray in those moments... that there really was no other option! Goodness... my jaw line is aching now holding back those tears! Just proof that you don't heal from something like we went through, but only it hurts a little less. Anyways.... I had been thinking about writing this post for a while now but just never sat down to write it. Life has been crazy these past few months. Let's have a little udpate:
Sometime in May, Derrick and I went to a new doctor. We got their advice on what to do from that point on. Basically, they advised us to wait 3 months until we started trying again. That would mean this month. He went over so many details of miscarriage and what that looks like for us now. For those of you wondering, the chance of another one is only slightly higher if you've had one. And the chance for a third one is only a little bit higher after that. Those statistics can be comforting, but I really don't think they provide me a lot of comfort. Regardless, we had a great feeling about them and decided to start using them as our provider. May also meant wrapping up the school year for me. It was a crazy year, but it was so great. In June, we took our small groups through our church down to Panama for a retreat. It was a crazy week but it was so fun! And we just got back from a week long trip to Myrtle Beach. I am in the process of wrapping up my specialist degree! 5 days left! And tomorrow, I start back to work. And that's pretty much it, in a nutshell!
Well, minus one thing.... we're pregnant!
It's so surreal to even type that. Apparently it was surreal when we found out too, because I took multiple tests. We found out the first full day of our beach trip to Myrtle. As I type this, I'm one day shy of 5 weeks. Honestly, I don't know what emotions to feel. I want to be excited, and I am to an extent, but I'm also very hesitant to feel anything. My little motto is holding true. It is so hard to hope that this baby is going to develop normally while also preparing that the same thing could happen again. I'm not sure how my heart would handle it, but I do know that it is in God's hands. I'm trying not to focus on anything really. I don't want to let myself get caught up in the pregnancy and have the same thing happen, but I also don't want to think of it as nothing! It's a very difficult place to be in, but one I'm so happy to be in.
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of pregnancy and conception and all that was so skewed. So many friends were getting pregnant and were always so thankful to God about that. Of course, I was in the same boat, however my mind often had other thoughts. When people would talk about being pregnant and how much of a miracle it was, I always thought to myself, Yeah, but I mean, that's what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be able to get pregnant and have babies and that's how God intended it. Boy were my thoughts off! I really, truly was not in the mindset of thinking it was a miracle. Miscarriage was foreign to me. I thought it more so meant that there was something wrong with one of the partners. However as I started to research it, I found how untrue that was. It is a miracle, and it's about that precious baby forming and being created perfectly by the hands of God. Andy Stanley (our pastor) was preaching not too long ago about how God will use anything to get your attention. That really stuck out to me and hit me hard. Maybe God used our miscarriage to get my attention. I am also very guilty of thinking that it was going to be my baby, our baby. Not God's child. I'm pretty baby crazy in general so this was a hard concept for me. I think God used that situation to capture my attention and to put this whole perspective of pregnancy correctly in my mind. Now, I also should say that I'm not saying I was being punished. It was simply used to get my attention. And I'm not going to justify that thought really. It's something I believe deep in my heart and it's a comforting thought to me.
I'm writing this post with no real thought of when I'm going to actually share it with everyone, but whenever I do share it, no matter what has happened between now and then, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for peace, comfort, and strength. Of course, my hope is that all those are for a continued happy, healthy pregnancy, but if not, I know that we will get through.
Sometime in May, Derrick and I went to a new doctor. We got their advice on what to do from that point on. Basically, they advised us to wait 3 months until we started trying again. That would mean this month. He went over so many details of miscarriage and what that looks like for us now. For those of you wondering, the chance of another one is only slightly higher if you've had one. And the chance for a third one is only a little bit higher after that. Those statistics can be comforting, but I really don't think they provide me a lot of comfort. Regardless, we had a great feeling about them and decided to start using them as our provider. May also meant wrapping up the school year for me. It was a crazy year, but it was so great. In June, we took our small groups through our church down to Panama for a retreat. It was a crazy week but it was so fun! And we just got back from a week long trip to Myrtle Beach. I am in the process of wrapping up my specialist degree! 5 days left! And tomorrow, I start back to work. And that's pretty much it, in a nutshell!
Well, minus one thing.... we're pregnant!
It's so surreal to even type that. Apparently it was surreal when we found out too, because I took multiple tests. We found out the first full day of our beach trip to Myrtle. As I type this, I'm one day shy of 5 weeks. Honestly, I don't know what emotions to feel. I want to be excited, and I am to an extent, but I'm also very hesitant to feel anything. My little motto is holding true. It is so hard to hope that this baby is going to develop normally while also preparing that the same thing could happen again. I'm not sure how my heart would handle it, but I do know that it is in God's hands. I'm trying not to focus on anything really. I don't want to let myself get caught up in the pregnancy and have the same thing happen, but I also don't want to think of it as nothing! It's a very difficult place to be in, but one I'm so happy to be in.
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of pregnancy and conception and all that was so skewed. So many friends were getting pregnant and were always so thankful to God about that. Of course, I was in the same boat, however my mind often had other thoughts. When people would talk about being pregnant and how much of a miracle it was, I always thought to myself, Yeah, but I mean, that's what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be able to get pregnant and have babies and that's how God intended it. Boy were my thoughts off! I really, truly was not in the mindset of thinking it was a miracle. Miscarriage was foreign to me. I thought it more so meant that there was something wrong with one of the partners. However as I started to research it, I found how untrue that was. It is a miracle, and it's about that precious baby forming and being created perfectly by the hands of God. Andy Stanley (our pastor) was preaching not too long ago about how God will use anything to get your attention. That really stuck out to me and hit me hard. Maybe God used our miscarriage to get my attention. I am also very guilty of thinking that it was going to be my baby, our baby. Not God's child. I'm pretty baby crazy in general so this was a hard concept for me. I think God used that situation to capture my attention and to put this whole perspective of pregnancy correctly in my mind. Now, I also should say that I'm not saying I was being punished. It was simply used to get my attention. And I'm not going to justify that thought really. It's something I believe deep in my heart and it's a comforting thought to me.
I'm writing this post with no real thought of when I'm going to actually share it with everyone, but whenever I do share it, no matter what has happened between now and then, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for peace, comfort, and strength. Of course, my hope is that all those are for a continued happy, healthy pregnancy, but if not, I know that we will get through.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Decision to Name
I mentioned in my last post about the decision to possibly name our sweet baby. Don't get me wrong, I totally get that it's slightly weird. I understand that it may not be typical. I understand you may think it doesn't change anything, but to me, it changes everything. Let me explain:
Just a few days after the miscarriage, I was getting so tired of referring to my baby as "it". This hadn't bothered me in the weeks I was pregnant as I knew I would be finding out soon what we would be having. Well, quickly thereafter, it began to drive me insane. So many people reaching out to us, even those with their own babies in heaven, would refer to their he or she. I just hated it. It's completely a personal opinion. For me, it's been a huge part of my healing (not that you ever heal from something like this, but the wound hurts a little less).
With this new annoyance, I had the fleeting thought of naming the baby. I had purchased an adorable picture frame when we first found out we were pregnant and I was ecstatic to put an ultrasound picture in there soon! Well, that wasn't going to be happening. At first, I figured I would just use it "next time". Now, that thought makes me so sad. I had wanted that picture frame for this baby, not another one. From that moment, I knew I needed a name. However, I was still in my own mind enough to know it was kinda weird. I had not really heard of anyone doing this (until I googled it)! And even then, it seemed like it was for people who miscarried much later on in the pregnancy. I thought I was being dramatic and let the thought pass. It creeped into my mind a few times but I decided I needed to wait until I wasn't so sad and see if it actually made sense.
Well, as time went on (and by time, I mean a couple of days), I couldn't push that thought out of my mind. I decided it wasn't AS weird anymore, and it didn't matter what other people did. I also knew I didn't want to go around telling people I had a baby and referring to its name all the time, however, for my heart to heal a little, it helped to have a name. I decided I would bring it up to Derrick. However, still acknowledging it was slightly strange, I also decided I should have an idea of what I was wanting the name to be. I couldn't really think of anything. I wanted it to be gender-neutral, obviously. I decided to just wait and think about it some more. The next night, I was lying in bed, not even thinking about this decision, and all of a sudden a name came to me. It was not a name I had ever imagined naming one of my babies. Honestly, it wasn't even a name I loved. Until now that is. I thought it was kind of weird, but in my heart, I knew that was the name I wanted for our baby. Now to convince Derrick :)
The next day, I decided to mention it to Derrick, to get his reaction. Of course, he was super supportive and told me we could do whatever we needed to if it helped me. At this point, I was glad I had thought on the name a little, or he would have named the baby something strange :) Of course, my mind had already been made up, but I wanted Derrick on board. I told him the name and he was actually okay with it. We decided to look it up to see what it meant. I'm also not sure why this occurred to me, as I'm not one to care what names mean. Well, after looking it up, tears streamed down my face for about 5 minutes, and every time I think about it, I have the same reaction. The name we chose for our baby means "God's gracious gift". That baby was a gift and we were so blessed to experience the short time that we did. We will never get to know our baby on this Earth, but I completely believe that babies have souls at conception and when I get to Heaven, I want to call my baby by name. And I will.
Now, that sweet picture frame I bought for this baby will no longer sit in a closet waiting to be used. I'm going to create a little note and place it in the frame. It will forever be our memento of our first little one, Jessie Holmes, God's gracious gift to us.
Just a few days after the miscarriage, I was getting so tired of referring to my baby as "it". This hadn't bothered me in the weeks I was pregnant as I knew I would be finding out soon what we would be having. Well, quickly thereafter, it began to drive me insane. So many people reaching out to us, even those with their own babies in heaven, would refer to their he or she. I just hated it. It's completely a personal opinion. For me, it's been a huge part of my healing (not that you ever heal from something like this, but the wound hurts a little less).
With this new annoyance, I had the fleeting thought of naming the baby. I had purchased an adorable picture frame when we first found out we were pregnant and I was ecstatic to put an ultrasound picture in there soon! Well, that wasn't going to be happening. At first, I figured I would just use it "next time". Now, that thought makes me so sad. I had wanted that picture frame for this baby, not another one. From that moment, I knew I needed a name. However, I was still in my own mind enough to know it was kinda weird. I had not really heard of anyone doing this (until I googled it)! And even then, it seemed like it was for people who miscarried much later on in the pregnancy. I thought I was being dramatic and let the thought pass. It creeped into my mind a few times but I decided I needed to wait until I wasn't so sad and see if it actually made sense.
Well, as time went on (and by time, I mean a couple of days), I couldn't push that thought out of my mind. I decided it wasn't AS weird anymore, and it didn't matter what other people did. I also knew I didn't want to go around telling people I had a baby and referring to its name all the time, however, for my heart to heal a little, it helped to have a name. I decided I would bring it up to Derrick. However, still acknowledging it was slightly strange, I also decided I should have an idea of what I was wanting the name to be. I couldn't really think of anything. I wanted it to be gender-neutral, obviously. I decided to just wait and think about it some more. The next night, I was lying in bed, not even thinking about this decision, and all of a sudden a name came to me. It was not a name I had ever imagined naming one of my babies. Honestly, it wasn't even a name I loved. Until now that is. I thought it was kind of weird, but in my heart, I knew that was the name I wanted for our baby. Now to convince Derrick :)
The next day, I decided to mention it to Derrick, to get his reaction. Of course, he was super supportive and told me we could do whatever we needed to if it helped me. At this point, I was glad I had thought on the name a little, or he would have named the baby something strange :) Of course, my mind had already been made up, but I wanted Derrick on board. I told him the name and he was actually okay with it. We decided to look it up to see what it meant. I'm also not sure why this occurred to me, as I'm not one to care what names mean. Well, after looking it up, tears streamed down my face for about 5 minutes, and every time I think about it, I have the same reaction. The name we chose for our baby means "God's gracious gift". That baby was a gift and we were so blessed to experience the short time that we did. We will never get to know our baby on this Earth, but I completely believe that babies have souls at conception and when I get to Heaven, I want to call my baby by name. And I will.
Now, that sweet picture frame I bought for this baby will no longer sit in a closet waiting to be used. I'm going to create a little note and place it in the frame. It will forever be our memento of our first little one, Jessie Holmes, God's gracious gift to us.
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