The Aftermath

According to Wikipedia, which all we know to be completely accurate :), aftermath refers to "A period of time following a disastrous event". First of all, I'm clearly in a grad school mode as I give a reference in my personal blog. Or maybe that means I'm legit. I'm not sure. Either way, aftermath is certainly an accurate term to me.

First of all, I want to express gratitude for all of you who have reached out to us during this time. We have had so many calls, texts, messages, etc. We have been completely overwhelmed and are so thankful. Your prayers mean more to us than anything and we would certainly not be making it without them.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been on a roller coaster. I'm not a crier. I usually get angry instead of crying. Ask Derrick. He's usually victim to this. I just don't enjoy crying. I tell myself to man up and move on. Unless you worked with me at Mossy Creek Elementary, you would not know I was a crier :) Well, I am now, and I'm okay with it. It's helping me deal with it all. There have been very few events in my life that made me cry continuously. Honestly, at the moment, I can only think of one; a heartbreak back in high school. I can already tell how much better I am handling this emotionally, relying on our faith and each other. The one amazing thing coming out of all this is how much closer I feel to Derrick. I'm a bit of a control freak and I've really had to rely on him for strength and to make decisions. I look more to him for guidance than I did before, which is an amazing feeling. It was something I had been praying about for a while, but was so difficult for me. It's much easier now. I'm trying to leave it that way!

I'm putting on a good face the majority of the time that I am around lots of people. Each day gets better, and I don't just sit around and cry anymore, but some days, I just don't want to go to all the trouble of smiling when I don't feel like it. Right now, I'm coming off a wonderful wedding weekend of one of my best friends. It was so amazing to be a part of it all. It was a distraction to the heartbreak in my own life. However, that's all it was. When it was all said and done, I was left very tired from the lack of sleep after all the shenanigans :) and left to face the reality. That did not bode well for Sunday night.  Luckily, I was cleared for exercise so Monday I had the excitement of getting in a run and being able to push myself again! It was nice, in a way. I wasn't planning on that back in March when we found out we were expecting, but I was thankful for it. I went for an hour long walk today with a friend but was left more crampy than I had hoped. At this point, it's hard to tell what is soreness from not running in almost 3 weeks or what is my body telling me to cool it.

I've struggled with so many thoughts over the past couple of weeks. I'm not blaming myself. I know this baby was not forming correctly and it was God's way of taking care of it. However, the future absolutely terrifies me. That is going to be my biggest struggle for the many years to come. I'm scared of it happening again. I'm scared of never having babies. I'm scared of forgetting this baby (which is leading me to the possibility of naming this baby. It may be odd, but we'll see).  I'm scared of it all. I'm not opposed to adoption at all, however, it would take much longer for us to have a baby if that is the case. Financially, we would have to wait much longer. We're praying for God's will, even though in my heart, I want to carry a baby. I'm already stressed about the possibility of another pregnancy and how I won't be able to enjoy it. I pray my heart changes between now and then and I can rely on the Lord for strength. However, I know that I can't obsess over these things.

Recently, someone I used to know has been discussing the scientific evidence behind this life. While it saddens me, I can't imagine how people can't believe in something other than this life. I have never been more aware of the Lord's love for us. A few days after the miscarriage, I literally had an out of body experience. This was still in the days of my showering and crawling back in bed to shed a few tears before Derrick would have to leave. I literally watched myself get out of the bed and continue on with my morning routine. As one foot stepped in front of the other, I was amazed at how this was happening. I wanted to lay in bed and cry but I couldn't. I had to move on. Could I do that? Absolutely. Am I going to? Absolutely not.

Many people have said to us, "you'll have other babies!" While I hope this is true, it is the last thing I want to hear. First of all, this is our first baby. We may have never got to hold it on this Earth, or get to know it, or raise it, but we loved it and were already preparing for it. Second of all, you're not a doctor. And even a doctor doesn't know that information. So just don't tell that to someone who suffered a miscarriage. Pray for them, love on them, but don't predict their future.

This process isn't over for us. Unfortunately, we still have a journey ahead of us. My levels are not where they need to be just yet and I'm still going to be going in to get that checked. This means I still have things in my uterus that shouldn't be there. So basically, I don't go anywhere without my Loritab or a nice bathroom nearby. I feel like a drug addict, constantly checking to make sure I have my drugs with me and a private location! I'm ready to be done. I'm ready for all the "firsts" to be over and for heartache to continue to be less.

Again, I don't want to close without acknowledging the blessings in this aftermath. It is so easy to talk about all the sad and scary parts, but there have been so many good parts. After finding out it wasn't all over on the same day I left for the wedding festivities to begin, my biggest fear was having another "episode" in the midst of all the wedding excitement. That didn't happen. The focus was not on me and my sadness but on my best friend and her excitement and that was a wonderful thing. The closeness I feel to Derrick each day grows which is a very exciting thing. The support from our family and friends is overwhelming and we realize how much we are loved. I get to drink wine which is awesome. :) This may be a trivial blessing, and while it was a little sad at first, I'm fully embracing it. I get to share my story. While it is not a story I ever intended to have to share, I am so thankful for the doors it is opening and the friendships I am gaining through it. You truly cannot understand this experience until you have been through it, and while my heart breaks for those who understand it, I am so thankful for their encouragement and understanding. The strength we feel from the Lord to get through each day is overwhelming. While I never hoped I would need it in such a way, it is a feeling I cannot describe.

The Unexpected

This post is raw. It is filled with the true emotion that Derrick and I have been experiencing over the past few days. Details may be too much for you and if you think that may be you, then you may not want to go on to read the rest. It will also be lengthy, but for me, I need this information written down, so that we may always remember. I'll try to keep it as "g" as possible.

Nearly 2 weeks ago, I noticed some light spotting. I was immediately concerned but was quickly reassured by my doctors that this was completely normal and unless cramping started to take my breath away or I started noticed large clots, then I was fine. Well, by that definition, I was fine. At my next appointment, I mentioned this again and they continued to not be concerned. Therefore, I tried not to be. On Monday, April 16, I called to let them know it had not stopped. Now they wanted to see me. I immediately freaked out wondering why, but tried to hold it together. I went in on Tuesday to have an ultrasound and was told that there was not a 10 week old baby in there, and there was basically no baby at all. I was devastated. They ultimately gave me some of my options but sent me on to their bigger office for an ultrasound tech to confirm the viability (aka life of the baby). However, I was also told I could come in for a D&C on Thursday, April 19. Emotion filled us. Mine more through crying, and Derrick was being strong for the both of us.
We went on to Gainesville for another ultrasound. For those of you not aware of how ultrasounds work in early trimesters, it's definitely not the gel and stomach scenario you might think. I was not excited about this, especially knowing what we had been told. Well, we waited and waited, all while the sight of all the cute pregnant women in the office immediately brought me to tears. We went back and had another ultrasound. This tech called for another set of eyes as she was not so sure. This was encouraging news, but nonetheless, it also made the unpleasant ultrasound a bit longer. Small price to pay to see if our baby was going to be okay though. These results showed that there was indeed a baby. However, it was a 6 week old baby and they couldn't find a heartbeat. This was not a huge cause for concern as the doctor believed I could only be 6 weeks and a heartbeat is not typically visible that early on. From the previous information I had received, I was completely lost at this point. We had hope and that was exciting. The doctor said at this point, they just did not know. I was to have blood drawn and come back on Thursday, April 19 (the previously scheduled D&C day) to have more blood drawn to compare my hcg levels. For those not familiar with pregnancy, hcg is what is detected in your blood and urine to determine pregnancy. If the levels had risen, things were good. If not, a miscarriage was inevitable.

So obviously, Wednesday was tough. I had a conference all day long which was nearly unbearable. I made it, but by the time I got home, I completely lost it. I couldn't quit imagining what life was now going to be like without this baby we had already made so many plans for. All of the what-ifs and how come's came crashing down like a ton of bricks. I was pretty inconsolable until I fell asleep (thanks to my husband who could calm me down enough to breathe!)! Well, waking up didn't fare too much better in this house...

On Thursday, April 19, I woke up to the previous concerns the nurses had told me to watch for. Things quickly turned even worse and I was in so much pain. I felt I could throw up at any given second (although I don't like doing this, so I kept myself from it), it hurt to sit and to stand, and there was literally no relief. Numerous things I've read and heard say it resembles labor, because my uterus was contracting, like labor pains. I'm sure it's just a degree and all of you who have actually gone through labor may state otherwise! However, it was not great. Had I been delivering a 40-week baby, I may have been able to handle it, but I wasn't. After a series of phone calls, my doctors told me to wait until Friday to come in to compare my hcg levels. Then, due to blood loss, I ended up at the doctor. Luckily, my blood levels were great and I wouldn't have to be admitted for a D&C, nor would I need a transfusion or anything else. They did another (not so great) ultrasound and it was confirmed. I had officially miscarried.

While I had known this in my heart since Tuesday afternoon, I had such a difficult time hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, however not much can prepare you for seeing everything that should have shown up on an ultrasound 2 days prior and suddenly not being able to see anything on the ultrasound. That was hard. I had since taken some meds so my pain was slowing down and I was just so happy to be able to breathe, that I made it through okay. Derrick made it through okay, too. However, I hope no one I ever know has to go through that.

There have already been so many answers to prayers during this whole process. I am so thankful I did not have to make a decision as to how to "expel" everything and that it happened naturally, at my home. There have been so many small signs of the Lord showing up in our lives. I'm not usually one for "signs" but these warrant mentioning. A sweet friend texted me very early this morning with Isiah 41:10- "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Little did she know that the process of the miscarriage had already begun. Overnight, someone had slid 2 small cards under our door, each with bible verses on them. And for those of you who don't know, we live in residence halls on NGCSU campus. We often get things under our door, but never bible verses. And no students here yet knew of our circumstances. I walked out to my car (before things turned worse) to get Chick Fil A for breakfast and there was a small note from a friend, encouraging me and praying for me. None of these people were aware of what was going on at the exact time these things appeared. Whether you are a believer or not, those are signs. Each of those was the comfort of the Lord showing up in our lives. More specifically, in my eyes, Isiah 41:10 was being brought to my attention in more ways than one.

While we are extremely sad that we will never get to meet or get to know this baby on this Earth, we can confidently say that we await the day when we get to meet our sweet baby in Heaven. As I write this with tears in my eyes, I have to say that I am already finding a strength I didn't know possible. Without Derrick by my side, I would not be making it. Without our amazing families and group of friends, we would not be making it. Without our faith, we surely would not make it.

Running and Pregnancy

I could leave this post blank and that would be enough. That's what running is like, being pregnant. Empty! Blank. Worthless! It's quite frustrating. Let me explain...

I started running in October of 2010. I became obsessed with it quickly and developed a love I never knew I had. I used to loathe running! Since that time, running became one of my biggest hobbies and soon was one of Derrick's biggest hobbies, too. We were constantly training for something and most of our weekends involved some type of race. We loved it! We still do. However, since learning of this pregnancy, my running has taken a turn for the worse. The weekend after I found I was pregnant, my 10k time was almost 10 minutes slower than 2 weeks before. Sure, maybe I'm more aware of things and being cautious. But for a competitive runner, 10 minutes is not acceptable. For the past year, I was waking up at 4:30ish to run with friend before work. Since my new job, that time was pushed to 6am, which was great. However, when you wake up feeling nauseous, running is the last thing on my mind. Luckily, I found a resolution for this. Anyways, my point is the struggle. Races just don't bring me the same excitement, knowing I won't be placing, nor will I be making a new PR.

Running used to be my stress reliever. My time to think about all the things going on in my life. When I ran with friends, it was a time to talk about life and support one another. Well, now, my runs stress me out even more! I'm learning to cope. I'm learning that I need a new plan. But it's not easy. I can no longer run with the endurance I had a mere 9 weeks ago. My run has become a slow jog, intermittent with walking. I get out of breath within 5 minutes of fast jog. I'm really not okay with this but I'm learning. Everytime I'm out there, I remind myself... at least I'm out here. I've heard over and over, "but you're pregnant now"! I don't care! Well, I do care, but I still miss my running!

I was signed up for my first marathon in early October. In the back of my head, I had convinced myself that even if I wound up pregnant before then, I could still walk/run it. I wasn't planning on being 35 weeks pregnant the day of the race. I've finally come to the conclusion it won't be happening. And mostly because I don't want to drive to Chicago and flying is not safe that late. I'm pretty bummed, but I've already decided I'm going to do one after the baby! Hopefully that keeps me motivated during the next 8 months to continue with what I can. I will be doing the Peachtree in July. I'll be 20 weeks then, so I'm sure walking will be involved, but it will still be fun!

Right now, I long for the day when I can have a "good run". Where I come back being refreshed and excited about my time! I'd make do with a nice glass of red wine, too, but that's not happening anytime soon either. :)

I really am happy I'm pregnant, but I refuse to write a blog only talking about the good things. There are negatives, but I know it will all be worth it in the end!

And I'll get that good run in, with a cute little baby in the jogging stroller with me :)

Telling the News

This past weekend, we spent telling lots of people about the big news! We were able to tell my sister on Thursday when she came over to hang out. If you know my sister, you know she's slightly dramatic. And by slightly, I mean immensely. She has a crazy idea that when you have a kid, your house is full of poop. She thinks when you go to the store that anyone within a 10 person radius will be sprayed with poop. And I'm not exaggerating. We had just been talking about this so I covered a shirt with Hershey's chocolate syrup and put it on my face. She opened the door and we proceeded to get the best video ever. It's on Derrick's phone and he's not here but I'll try to post it at some point. If you ever questioned how dramatic she is, you will no more.

Telling my parents was more complicated. Long story short, we were supposed to tell them Friday afternoon but plans kept changing so we were not able to tell them until Saturday afternoon. We had dinner with some friends on Friday night and were able to tell them that we will be joining both of them in the baby world! Yay!! Saturday morning we went to breakfast with Derrick's parents and told them immediately with a gift we had gotten them. Shock is what hit their faces! Followed by excitement! For my parents, it was the same. And my little brother immediately claimed it would be a "he". Words can't describe telling them. It was so fun!

I was even able to tell 2 of my best friends on Saturday and proceeded to make a phone call to the other 2, in which the conversation consisted of "oh.my.gosh!" over and over again. We told Derrick's sister Saturday (over the phone since she is out of state) as well and I think she cried! We were also able to inform our small group friends from church. 2 of them are expecting (one in July and one any day now), and the other is the leader, with 3 kids already! We're already baby surrounded!

Sunday, we ran a 1ok and my time is already slowing! It took me almost 10 minutes longer to complete than it did 3 weeks ago. That's gonna be tough! Worth it, but tough! My October marathon plans are over (more than likely), but I'm thinking that a marathon will be a really good chance for me to lose baby weight once the baby is here! We shall see!

At this point, a plethora of emotions constantly fill me. Last night, watching TV, I sat and cried like a baby while Derrick enjoyed laughing at that. Other than that, no major symptoms to report. Let's pray that continues!

Sooner than Later

Well... it has certainly been a while. But I don't feel bad in the least about that! I made a New Years Resolution that when I was done with grad school, I would pick this back up. It should be noted that I'm not done with grad school and I'm starting sooner. There is a reason for that.... We're expecting a baby!!

A year ago, I would have said "Not a chance....3 more years..." Well, our hearts changed. We decided to throw caution to the wind and I think we were both shocked that it only took 2 months. I was convinced I was going to have to adopt children. I have a tendency to think the worst... all the time. It's a problem, I know. Anyways, my hope is that I can keep everyone updated with what is going on with this new journey for us, through here! I'll start from the day we found out...
Actually... I'm going to back up a little bit. From the first month we decided we wanted a baby, I obsessed over every little symptom I had. Seriously... it was ridiculous. People don't tell you how hard the waiting and anticipation is. I seriously have a soft spot now for women trying to conceive, and my wait was not even long! So for about a week before we found out, I was having small symptoms that I was not letting myself obsess over and chalking it up to some reason I could find. I really was not going to let myself be disappointed for however long it took us to get pregnant! Derrick had told me I had to wait a couple days before I tested due to the amount of money we poured out on home pregnancy tests last month. Ha... he's funny. I told him I would wait till Tuesday (3/6/12) but I clearly did what I wanted to. I tested on Monday... at about 5:15 in the morning. It quickly showed that I was pregnant. And honestly, my first reaction was OMG. My next reaction was... I won't have to deal with womanly things for 9 months. Looking back on that though, I bet my opinion will completely change! Anyways, I went back to bed and was determined not to tell Derrick anything! I wanted to tell him in a fun way. So for the next hour, I downloaded a pregnancy app and started reading! Yes... I have a problem. I like to be prepared. Deal with it! That day (which is today, I'm writing and not posting till we announce), was a whirlwind of emotions. Crying at the drop of a hat has already been on the list the past week, so I teared up over EVERYTHING. Ridiculous things. I worked all day so my mind was constantly going back and forth over things. I went for a run, and was paranoid the whole time. I never went over 5.5 mph, which I normally run at 6.5 or faster. And I alternated with walking. This baby is already taking over my life! Anyways... I drove past Derrick's truck on the way to the gym and teared up thinking, "I'm about to change his whole world". I wasn't sure if I should say change or ruin... we'll let you know :)

Telling Derrick

I had come up with several silly ways to tell Derrick. Pinterest royally let me down, btw. I decided to get a card and put it on his truck and stalk him till he left work and read it. I teared up looking at cards, scared to death someone would see me and know what was up. Who cries when they're looking at baby cards? Anyways.... I followed through with the plan. Once I put the envelope on his truck, I circled the parking lot a few times looking for "the spot". I didn't just need any spot. I wanted to be in the best creeper-ability spot in the massive lot. Well, I found that spot. Only to have someone sitting in their car directly in front of me. I kept watching for Derrick, and he kept profiling me in case he needed to give a description later. As he was leaving, Derrick was approaching his truck. Creepily, I rolled down my window and only stuck my iPhone out the window to get good shots of his face reading it. The guy seriously probably reported me. Oops. Well, Derrick decided to get in the truck and read the card. So all my creeping was for nothing! I got out of the car and walked up to his truck just in time! He had the biggest grin on his face! He was like a fat kid in a candy shop :) I quickly snapped his pic and then made him read the card again. Then, I ruined the moment by telling him about my creeping abilities :) We went to dinner to celebrate and made our plans for how and when we would tell people.

We still can't really believe it. We're super excited but not sure how to feel at this moment! We're just excited to spread the news!!

Lagging Behind

I have contemplated blogging quite often lately, but just never get around to it! I feel like I have been doing a whole lot of nothing, but when I think about it, it has been so busy! Since the last time I blogged, we have moved like 3 times, I have had surgery, finished up grad school for the semester, been to Kentucky, and done tons of shopping for my new classroom, as well as start setting it up! We moved from our old place, into our new one with the help of our wonderful families, however we were not allowed to live there until they got the permits. So we packed up what we needed, stayed in our new place, had to move out of it so they could clean it for the new people, so we moved into another one, and then finally officially arrived in our new one about 2 weeks ago! All while I was recovering from surgery. If you ask me, it was an ideal time because I couldn't lift one box :) jk. I did not like having to sit around and watch, but am thankful for all those who helped! My mom came up and helped me set everything up and get it into place, as well as my mother in law, who helped me clean! And Derrick deserves some attention here, as he was a champ, unloading and putting things where I pointed!

Surgery has been a whirlwind! I stayed at my mom's house a few days right out of the hospital so Derrick wouldn't have to take off work and cater to me. My mom was wonderful and spoiled me! It has still been crazy though. I was so relieved to have it under my belt, but I think I have been focusing too much on the end result of being healed, and did not quite prepare myself for how long that would take. It's only 6 weeks for total recovery, but that is a long time when you can't do anything! And pains meds make me crazy. That's a while different story! Any of the things I would do to distract myself, I am not allowed to! I can't work out, clean, organize, move things around.... nothing! It has been hard! But it is slowly getting better, and I'm almost to the halfway mark.

I ventured to Kentucky with my mom and brother for a few days this week and visited with family and had a good time! Now, I am back home and have big plans for my classroom next week! Pre-planning starts on the 16th for me and I want my room totally ready before that so I can do whatever else they say is necessary! And by the e-mails I am getting, I feel like it might be a lot! I am getting overwhelmed already. Excited, but overwhelmed! I just want the first day to be here and over with so I can be prepared! I'll probably be laughing at that statement in a few months!

Grad school has wrapped up for the summer for both of us and will be coming at us full force again in about 2 weeks! I will be done in December, and I am counting the days already!

I think that is about all for now! I will post pics of the new place soon! and my classroom :)

A Quiet Sunday Afternoon...

Yeah right!

Let me start by prefacing that a long time ago, almost 14 years ago, my mom was pregnant with my little brother. I was 10, so I still went with her everywhere, doctor's appointments included. After one appointment, we were walking out and all of a sudden, my mom got very pale and immediately ran into a room. I followed and they sat me in the waiting area while they took her back and took care of her. I had no idea what was going on and was very attached to my mom and was scared to death. They finally let me go see her, where she was lying on a table and they had an IV in her and she did not look so hot. Ever since that moment I have been terrified of needles and hospitals. Which leads me to our Sunday afternoon:

I have done a pretty phenomenal job at avoiding hospitals at all costs. Until Sunday. Derrick and I had been up pretty late Saturday night, so when Sunday morning rolled around, we tossed back and forth the idea of sleeping in till the later church service. However, I decided to just get up and get ready. We left and went to church and were out by about 10. A couple days earlier, I had found some rugs I wanted Derrick to see, so after church, we went to Publix (to get my coupons!) and to TJ Maxx Homegoods. During this time, Derrick commented that we might not be out long today, as his side was hurting pretty bad. I figured he didn't want to go rug shopping :) Homegoods was closed so we went to a nearby Wal-Mart to pick up a few things we needed until we could get in to Homegoods. Well, we were shopping around and Derrick was hurting, but we both thought it would pass. He decided to go back out to the truck and wait for me. I hurried and when I went outside, he could barely stand up straight as he was doubled over from the pain. He was talking with his dad on the phone, and after talking with him for a few, we decided I should take him to the ER... luckily, it was about 2 minutes away. So we walk in, and they immediately know it is him. We didn't wait at all. At this point, I'm ok. Derrick is in immense pain and they are taking his bp and getting some information. Well, after that, they put him in a wheelchair and take him back to his room. At this point is when I am struggling to keep it all together. I hate hospitals. I hate the smells. Just seeing that room made it all to real for me. The doctors thought it was appendicitis or kidney stones. I was freaking out at the thought of appendicitis as the thought of him in surgery and me not in control, was not a good combination! They were giving him some meds, thank the Lord!, and waiting for a CAT scan to see what was going on. About 20 minutes later, they take him back, and after waiting about 10 for the results, the diagnosis was kidney stones. During this time he was away, I broke down. I was trying to be the strong one, as any time I would tear up, he was more concerned about my well-being than his ridiculous amount of pain. I don't even know why I cried. I guess it was all just scary and I didn't know what it was going to be. Long story short, he passed it there and we were released and came home and took a much needed nap! Not to mention all of our family is out of town! Only his dad is within a 2 hour drive from where we were, and he could not leave. Luckily it wasn't anything more serious!

We are so thankful for all the prayers from those of you who were aware! It meant the world to us.

And now my fears of hospitals are even more elevated, as it was still just as scary. But we had a wonderful experience!

And I can't get the smell of hospital off of my hands. ick! And we will continue our rug shopping another day :)