In Memory Of....

So it's been a while :) Life has been good... busy but good! Since  so many of you have followed our journey to  children, I found it was only fitting to update you on how I recently have honored our angel babies! 

I turned 30 on Monday. I really was dreading it, and I still don't love it, but turns out 30 feels a lot like 29 :) I guess I'm more legit now, too :) Anyways, I have always said I wanted to get a tattoo.... and recently, I was saying I was going to do it when I turned 30. In recent months, I quit talking about it so much because I was scared I might not actually go through with it, so I decided to just wait it out. The older I get, the more scared I get to do things (except let my tags expire... it lets me live on the edge :)). Anyways, I'm here to say "I DID IT!!!" 

Over the years, I've gone back and forth about what I wanted to have tattooed. I always said I wanted the word "faith". I just have always felt like I needed faith to get through anything that comes my way. That's a pretty general term. When we were having our struggle with staying pregnant, I really clung to Psalms 46:10, "“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” (NLT). I constantly was quoting that first part in my head. It just helped me have faith and get through. So as time has gone on, I decided that was just a bit more of a specific way to have "faith" tattooed somewhere. Over the course of the last few  months, I saw a few friends post about tattoos they had to honor their miscarriages. In a sense, mine already was, but I also wanted  something a little more specific. 

I decided on 3 little hearts, to honor Jessie, Lincoln,  and Myrtle :) 

I'll be honest though, I wasn't sure I wanted to commit because I still struggle with the idea that we could have more miscarriages in the future. But I ultimately decided I wasn't going to live that way, and if that happens, I'll figure out how I want to handle that! Be still... right?

Also, check out that swelling! eek!  It definitely didn't feel good and I don't  expect I'll be getting a sleeve anytime soon, but I did it, it wasn't THAT bad, and I love it! 

 Check out the transformation.... ha :)

  

( I got a fitbit for my birthday, too!)

Oh, and in case you're thinking I'm super hardcore over there (over my small tattoo :)), I threw up twice the day of, in anticipation of this :) So there's that... :)  

Also... if you're just tuning in...  You can go here for where our journey began 

The First 3 Months

In my last post, I referenced blogging about the first 2 weeks. It's almost 3 months later and that never happened. However, you should definitely know it's not because it sucked! If you remember my post on the first two weeks with Vera, then you can imagine my excitement :) I kept waiting for it to become terrible. By the end of the first week, when I still felt like things were going fine, I got even more nervous about what was to come. Honestly, I'm still holding my breath. I keep thinking that maybe it will be terrible when Dean starts fighting sleep more. And it probably will. But I'm also coming to realize that while I'm still a crazy schedule freak, and BabyWise is my crack, I have to let a lot of things just go with the flow.This article summed up my thoughts so well thus far!

It should also be noted that I did placenta encapsulation this pregnancy and it was a game changer. I definitely still had my down moments and I didn't feel like myself and I still had that moment of relief about feeling normal about a month- 6 weeks post partum, but those pills kept me sane. Even Derrick would notice if I didn't take one and would kindly remind me that I might want to :) You know when your husband picks up on it that it's working :) But for real, you can roll your eyes, but I'll never have a baby again without those. I still have lots left too and use them when I'm feeling a little cray :)

The biggest challenge has and seems to always be Vera :) She ADORED Dean and while I did kind of expect that, there was no real way to prepare. It was really hard for Derrick and I to sort through that. We didn't know how to discipline the new behaviors we were seeing. They weren't even negative, but they needed correcting and it took us a while to find a groove. She constantly wanted to hold him or feed him or touch his eyes and his mouth or sit in the baby swing with him or lay beside him on his playmat... you get the picture. All absolutely precious moments but I she didn't understand her strength. So if you're expecting and you have a little one at home who doesn't' immediately obey yet, talk through those things with your significant other. Figure out how you will handle things and be consistent  from the beginning. We stumbled around with for so long that it was hard to correct once we figured out how we wanted to handle things. That has died down some. She still wants to do all of those things, and we let her, but now she understands she can't always. And I also let him sleep away from the crazy :)

The biggest difference is our busy level. I'm absolutely convinced that babies are easy (after having my second and although he seems more laid back, he still doesn't compare to terrible twos :)) but I also feel like we have reached a new level of busy. The weekdays just feel crazy. We are constantly going between full time jobs, preschool, and feeding schedules. It's not necessarily bad, but important to note for all of my expectant momma friends.

Don't get me wrong though.....I still find myself twitching when Dean won't sleep as long as he's supposed to (and that's from the time I put him down to the next feeding) or that he still wakes up at 3am (ish) just to be comforted, or that sometimes I still hold him for a nap (cause there's nothing better than baby cuddles), but I know all of those are phases. And sometimes, I twitch over that fact... that I'm not super stressed by it. But in the end, I'm enjoying this time around so much more and that's priceless to me!

Dean's Birth Story

Since I started this blog, I have really loved to go back and read the posts of where we have been. It's been so healing for me with everything we went through. I tend to forget so many of the details as time goes on, so I'm using this to document all the memories! I love reading birth stories, so if that's not your thing, move on now :)

On Tuesday, we went in for my pre-op appointment as I was scheduled to have another c-section. We had decided to go with the c-section unless I went into labor early. There were just too many risks involved and at the end of the day, as long as our baby was here and healthy, it wasn't worth the risks of trying it naturally. Dean was breech anyways, so it wouldn't have happened regardless. Anyways, the pre-op appointment was quite ridiculous, in my opinion. They asked me a series of questions (that could have been asked a million other times) and gave me specific instructions for the night. I had to shower at night and use these anti bac wipes on the soon-to-be incision area. No eating or drinking past midnight. I was instructed to wear clean clothes and have clean sheets. Seriously?! Not that I sleep in gross clothes or sheets, but still! I could have gone into labor at any given moment and none of those things would have occurred. I totally get that it's preventative but it just seems crazy! We found out that we were scheduled for 8:15 the next morning and needed to be there by 6. I was super excited about this! I knew I was #3 of the day, but it turns out #1 went into labor early so she just moved me to her spot. I also wanted to be out of the house before Vera woke up!

The night before went pretty quickly. I was trying to soak up as much time with Vera as I could before rocking her little world. It was very strange to have a scheduled day to have a baby. Putting Vera to bed was really emotional, knowing what the next day would bring. I loved on her a little extra and cried like a baby for the next hour or so while I finished packing.

The next morning, I was ready to go! Of course, I had been throwing up all the day before, as any other day in my pregnancy, and I was so thirsty! Maybe I followed the rules too much cause I really would have loved some ice. I just didn't want them to tell me they couldn't deliver my baby that day so I followed the rules :) We got to the hospital and after a little waiting, we were taken back to the triage rooms. I was told there had been an emergency c-section so we had been pushed back some. Big bummer, but in the moment, you are glad you're not the emergency so I didn't mind it. As we kept waiting, my nerves (and thirst) started building. My nurse was a bit of a train wreck and was making me even more nervous. I won't elaborate much more there, but she didn't help my growing nerves. My mom, dad, and sister were all rotating coming in to hang. By 9:40 or so, we were headed back. I was really nervous about the spinal they were giving me (similar to an epidural) and the fact that they wouldn't let Derrick be in there until that was over and I was totally prepped for surgery. The part I needed him most for and they won't allow it. Again, frustrating! The nurses were great though and I had one holding my hands and helping me through it. As soon as that was over (and it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected), they had me lay down quickly before I went totally numb. At some point over the next few minutes, I started feeling super sick. Of course, Derrick still wasn't allowed in, as I was frantically asking. Part of me thought it might be my nerves. The anesthesiologists are very adamant to make sure you let them know when something isn't right (they were also awesome, by the way!). I brought up that I felt sick and they indicated my blood pressure had just dropped really low and they were working on getting it back up. At that point, I started gagging and throwing up. I felt terrible! I was getting clammy and they could tell I wasn't responding well. However, I have to admit that they have a fabulous procedure! Within seconds, someone was holding something for me to throw up in, someone was wiping my mouth every time I threw up (I was tilted to the side for this) and someone was placing cold cloths on my head. That would have been a really handy crew for my terrible nausea all pregnancy! That happened again one more time, but not as severe. After that, it wasn't long before Derrick came in and the show was on the road! I was so unbelievably calm during this surgery. I wasn't expecting that and it was welcomed! It felt like it took forever for the arrival of our (still unknown gender) baby! At one point, the doctor made a comment about how ridiculous my abs were. He was having a hard time cutting through them, which was kinda hilarious and also a huge compliment! I can't credit that to workouts though. It was all the throwing up I did over the past 9 months. After a couple more jokes about the holes in his fingers from cutting, we were getting close! At 10:05, they pulled out our sweet son. It was such a surreal moment. I absolutely loved finding out the gender in that moment (and him peeing on me apparently). My instincts the whole pregnancy have been boy, but you never know! As soon as he was out, I literally said "that feels so incredible". Although I was numb, you can still feel pressure and all the pulling and tugging. And unfortunately, the smell of burning flesh. That part was pretty gross but they put the oxygen over my face a little more so I didn't have to breathe that in! Anyways, back to that sweet baby! While they are cleaning him up, I just sit and stare. I hate not being able to hold him and love on him, but that's also a sweet time to see Derrick get to help out! We hadn't agreed to a name yet, so I was running through our options in my head while staring at him. After they did their thing with him, I got to love on him for a little bit. I definitely got to hold him a lot longer this time than I did with Vera and it was so sweet. Soon after, he and Derrick left and they finished stitching me up. With Vera, they knocked me out after (cause I had been panicking a little), so I didn't know what to expect. I just laid there while we all chatted about running, music, etc. It was just funny to have those conversations after just having a baby, but it was fun! My doctor is super fun anyways, so it was great. At one point, I asked if they had given me something to make me calm because that was so not my nature. They hadn't though! I don't even know how long that all took, but I think by 10:50 or so, I was being wheeled back to recovery. In those moments, we agreed to the name Dean. That was Derrick's first choice and after running through the other names in our head and ruling some of them out, I agreed. He did look like a Dean to me :) It's such a grown up name to me, but he's obviously just destined to be super manly :) (you're welcome future wife).

I couldn't be happier with the whole experience! It was so different from my experience with Vera, and I enjoyed the calmness about the day! 

By noon or a littler after, we were being taken to the mother baby rooms where our journey with a new baby would start! Stay tuned for another post about the first 2 weeks at home!

Almost Time!

I've been wanting to write one more post prior to this baby coming so I wouldn't forget some of my experiences/thoughts! We are currently 10 days away from welcoming this little munchkin and I cannot contain my excitement! I have literally been so miserable for the past 9 1/2 months (cause those 2 extra weeks count when you start throwing up before you find out you're pregnant). Like I posted before, that miserable feeling comes with such a guilt. Guilt for wanting this so much and knowing how many people would love to be in my shoes, but still struggling to face everyday with a smile. I haven't handled this pregnancy well, and I really have tried, most days! I'm just as excited to no longer be pregnant as I am to meet this baby and find out it's gender!

Speaking of gender... we have waited to find out this time. Mostly, I told Derrick we weren't finding out and since men have no rights at the OBGYN, I was calling the shots :) He indicated he was going to be vocal at our 20 week ultrasound and find out and I insisted I would announce that I wasn't sure he was the father if he tried :) He knows I wasn't kidding, so he didn't push too hard to find out :) For the most part, I've loved not knowing. With having a scheduled c-section, there is really no surprise with this one. Around 30 weeks, I wanted to know. I was finding it really hard to connect with this baby. I have no idea if that's because I don't know gender or because I've struggled to enjoy being pregnant, but I think a lot of it has been not knowing. I've had some conversations with others who didn't find out, and they all agree it was a little harder to connect. It could also be because in a nutshell, this baby revolves around Vera. I know I will have to change my mindset with that, but everything about this pregnancy has been about how Vera will be affected. Only child problems, for now, I guess! The scheduled c-section part has been great cause I can have set plans for her. The timing of this baby puts me into tears almost every time cause my sweet Vera will start pre school 2 days after we come home with baby. Talk about guilt! We had plans for her to attend before we even knew I was pregnant, but she doesn't know that. I stress about how she will handle the new addition and if she'll know I still love her even though all of my attention is no longer on her. There are all normal feelings and thoughts, but it's just been interesting to see how my views have changed from the first time around.

I am a little sad about not going into labor. As crazy as that sounds, and as terrible as a 27 hour labor with an end result of c-section was, I really did enjoy the whole experience. I loved the excitement the day brought and the chaos of it all.  But... I'm really glad to have a set end-date!

Mostly, I can't wait to hold this sweet baby in my arms, to no longer be with child, and to not live like I have a stomach bug! Here's to cold cuts, a glass of wine, and getting my body back! 10 days people!

Round 2 (or actually 5)

I can't believe it's been {almost} 2 years since I have blogged! I've thought about it a ton, but I work online all day and usually just don't want to sit in front of a computer any longer. I do most of social media on my phone only!

It's been pretty clear through any post I make, but if you haven't heard the news, we are expecting again! Also due again in August :) This is pregnancy number 5, but pregnancy 2 for healthy, growing babies (if you're a new reader, you can read more about that in all of the 2012 posts, but the initial journey began here). I must like torturing myself through the summer. Blogging on so many topics related to this pregnancy has crossed my mind and now that it's officially my summer break, I decided to just do it.It should also be noted that I only actually remember one of those topics, so this might not happen again :)

I'd really love for this not to be a complaining post, but it probably is. I have struggled so much this pregnancy with the guilt of hating being pregnant. If you remember, staying pregnant was not easy for us. Fortunately, with this little miracle, we have not had any issues with the actual baby or being pregnant.  For this pregnancy, I'm beyond thankful, but it's almost made me feel extremely guilty that i.hate.being.pregnant. I'm not even going to embed disclaimers everywhere because you can read all of the 2012 posts and know how badly we wanted a baby. I really try to see the positive in all of this, but for me, that's just the end result. I really don't think there is one thing my body handles well with pregnancy. To name a few, I'm 28 weeks and still throwing up after almost every meal. The only positive there is that I barely gain weight, so post baby weight is awesome for me :) I was much thinner after having Vera than I've ever been (Of course, I took advantage of that and it didn't take long before that wasn't the case anymore!). My whole outlook on life is skewed. People bother me, my husband bothers me, driving bothers me, people bother me (worth noting twice), life bothers me. I felt so bad the first few months that I almost felt depressed. It was so hard to keep up with Vera and try to be a good mom. Fortunately, a mom's conference (Birds on a wire, check it out!) helped me get past that and see the light. My body doesn't want to breastfeed (mostly due to a reduction I had about 6 years ago, but still). My feet literally get bigger. As in, I needed almost all new shoes after Vera. My eye sight completely fails. Not even exaggerating there. I now wear contacts 24/7. Before being pregnant, I had glasses for night driving {sometimes}. Those are just the things I can think of in 5 minutes.

At this point, I have come to a place where I'm okay not being excited about pregnancy. It doesn't make me less thankful or less excited about the actual baby coming. And it doesn't make me a bad person.

Counting the days until August.....

Breastfeeding Woes

Before I even get started, this post is not meant to become a debate (for all 2 of you who leave comments :)). I absolutely know and acknowledge that breastfeeding is the absolute best nutrition for a baby.

I've commented before that in 2010 I had a breast reduction surgery. It was not a hard decision for me to make. I knew that I was risking the possibility of breastfeeding one day and that was the one con that I battled with at the time. However, we went through with the surgery and it was seriously one of the best decisions I made. I had dealt with it long enough and wanted the surgery. It made such a huge difference in my life.

Now fast-forward to pregnancy... my entire pregnancy I hoped and prayed that I would be able to breastfeed, despite the decision I made to have the surgery. A few times, I found myself questioning if I had made the right decision to have the surgery and if it had been too selfish. While I decided I don't think that, I just hoped for the best. I looked into things I could do during pregnancy to help my supply and did a lot of research on it. Turns out, I really just had to wait and see what would happen. I had become okay with the idea of supplementing formula since it was very likely I would need to do this. However, I still hoped I wouldn't have to! We were armed with an app that would let us track her feedings and her diapers, which would tell us if she was getting enough food.

Now fast-forward to right after Vera's birth. She immediately latched and I was so happy. She wasn't crying, so I knew she was getting something. We met with the lactation consultant, in the hospital, who encouraged the paci as a training tool and a shield since Vera was thrusting her tongue and couldn't stay latched. It immediately fixed the problem and I was feeling really confident about things! We were tracking everything religiously and according to the amount of wet and poopy diapers, she was getting enough. After we got home, something changed. Granted, I was on pain killers and my hormones were likely all over the place, but I found myself really stressed over feeding. I was a hot mess, crying through practically every feeding. And when I wasn't nursing her, I was stressing about the next feeding. I was fortunate enough that everything was going so great. I barely had any discomfort and to the outsider looking in (which there weren't any of these since that's creepy), everything was great. However, I absolutely.hated.it. I felt so guilty that I hated it so much. I felt trapped. I couldn't drive so it wasn't like I was trying to go anywhere, but I felt like I was never going to be able to leave the house again, nor was I going to be able to be away from Vera ever again. I was working toward scheduling her, but those first few days are really unpredictable and sometimes she wanted to eat an hour after she had just eaten. I was for sure my life was over. And those sweet moments women talk about it that they have while they sit and nurse their babies... yeah, I didn't have that. It wasn't "sweet" to me and I dreaded each feeding. I seriously couldn't quit crying. A lot of it wasn't even feeding-induced but over the course of a few days I realized that the root of most of my crying was over feeding (and missing Derrick!). At Vera's first doctor's appointment, we talked about the feeding. I started crying and the pediatrician looked at me and said "Formula-fed babies can still go to Harvard". Of course, they recommend breastfeeding, and I wasn't questioning which was healthier. I knew that answer. But it was so nice to hear that. He let me know that if it was stressing me about to the point of not enjoying my baby that it's not worth it. Well, I wasn't really "enjoying" anything 3 days post-delivery so I decided to stick it out until Derrick and I could talk about it and until I knew my milk was in. Well, my milk came in and I still hated it. I finally told Derrick about how I was feeling and we really needed to talk about it. He gave me so much encouragement. I reached out to a few friends who gave me so much support. When I reached out to them, I honestly was expecting them to tell me it gets so much better and that it will be okay! However, what I heard was so different. Each of them told me that it is really hard and it's a job in itself. The conversations extended past that, but they all told me it was okay if I quit. Not that I needed their approval, but it was so wonderful to hear that breastfeeding moms understood and weren't judging the fact that I hated it. Some of them hated it too! We started supplementing a little after that. When we were out and about, I would give her a bottle. It was so freeing. I immediately felt relief and honestly, I felt like I could love on her a little more because she wasn't trapping me and I wasn't associating her with stress anymore. However, the issue still made me cry. I knew breast milk was the best and I was so conflicted since I had so desperately wanted to be able to. I felt guilty about the possibility of switching to formula when I was able to breastfeed. I was pumping as well, and was barely getting anything, so pumping a bottle for her wasn't an option either.

Fast forward to her 2 week check up. She still wasn't to birth weight and wasn't close enough. Not a huge deal, but something to watch out for. I kept breastfeeding and was giving a bottle sometimes. However, she also started sleeping a lot better this week! We had to go back after a week, and she still wasn't there. Supplementing was now something we needed to do. We did so and I also was trying some things to help increase my supply. It started working almost immediately and I was excited!! Now that I knew I could give her a bottle when I wanted to, I suddenly wanted to be able to breastfeed. Just being able to be out and about and not have to go sit in the car or in a bathroom was fabulous. I know some people are cool with whipping it out wherever they are, but I wasn't. Not even with a cover. There's an art to using that cover and I don't think brand new moms have that down just yet. So anyways... as you can tell, I couldn't make up my mind about anything. We were back at the doctor to check her weight again. Still.not.there. So now, we had to give her a certain amount at each feeding to make sure she was getting 2.5-3 ounces at every feeding. I was still breastfeeding at each feeding. I would breastfeed, give bottle, and then pump. It was a terribly long ordeal but I committed to it to see what would happen. Her sleep also turned glorious this week! At her next appointment, we finally had her to birth weight! That was just last week, so it's been such a battle! But we're there. After multiple attempts to increase my supply, it seemed like it was only getting smaller. It took me about a week to pump 3 ounces for her. Any mom knows that's insane. That should be one feeding. She was spitting up, and we were switching formula weekly to help with it. Because the possibility of acid reflux was coming up, I wanted to be able to breastfeed even more, since she never spit up that. But that's also likely because she was barely getting anything. However, the right formula has seemed to really help that issue although she does seem to be a happy spitter! Still praying it doesn't turn into reflux. Last weekend, we decided to quit fighting the battle. I truly did not have enough for her and the process of feeding, pumping, bottle was exhausting, especially when she was barely getting anything from me. At 5.5 weeks, we decided to go formula only. Which is basically what it was before that but I felt better knowing she was getting a little from me. I truly do hate that it turned out the way it did, even though in the beginning I desperately wanted to quit, but I'm just so happy to finally have a set plan! I was able to quit cold turkey, which also says a lot. I never had to pump or wean it and I never hurt or got uncomfortable.

I write all of this so that other moms know breastfeeding isn't the picture perfect scenario it seems to be. I surely thought it was! I knew it could hurt but that it was temporary. I didn't know how trapping it felt and I had NO idea other moms felt that, too! For myself, I found that after the baby blues started to disappear, it didn't seem as bad. I still didn't get the warm fuzzies from it, but I could do it and be okay with it. I'm glad I pushed through and can have good thought about it now, and with (possible) future babies, I'll try again, but right now, I'm thankful for formula, and that's okay!

and that's the last mommy post on my list.... (for now :))

The First 2 Weeks

When I was still pregnant, I was getting so tired of all the comments from people... "Enjoy your sleep now", "your life is about to change", "enjoy time with your husband, it'll never be the same", etc. It was frustrating and no one really had anything good to say. I often rolled my eyes (after they weren't looking) at the comments. Now that I'm on the other side, I get what they were saying. The sleep is different, our lives have changed, and my time with Derrick is definitely limited. No one can fully prepare you for what you are about to embark on. I thought the sleep I was already lacking while pregnant wouldn't be any different, but I was wrong. There are nights I would gladly go back to that constantly-interrupted, have-to-pee sleep. I would love to have more alone time with Derrick. In those first 2 weeks, honestly, I wondered what the heck we had done. Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that I am only speaking about the first 2 week of sweet Vera's little life. Well, really a week and a half. Everything at the hospital was totally fine! Things have gotten SO much better and so many of the things I was feeling no longer hold true.

As mentioned 74 times before, Vera came at a really bad time in terms of work schedules, specifically Derrick's. RA training is his only real time to get to to know the new RAs and that's of great value. We had decided early on that I would go and stay with my parents while he did RA training. I could have stayed at home, but his hours are very long during these 2 weeks and he's exhausted. I didn't want Vera to be keeping him up at night and I didn't want to do it alone all day. Luckily, my parents were thrilled at the idea of us being there :) As anyone who follows me on social media knows, I couldn't wait for Vera to come. After she did (late, I might add), I saw why she didn't come early. I would not have made it 2 full weeks without Derrick.

That first week at my mom's house was terrible. I had all the support I could imagine. My mom was willing to be up all hours of the night to help me, she cooked for me, and listened to my constant complaints and concerns. However, it was still awful. Like I said, no one can fully prepare you for what it about to happen. I was tired, excited, and overwhelmed. More importantly, I missed Derrick fiercely. That was new for me. Sure, I love him to pieces, but I have never been the needy type and I was miserable being away from him. The baby blues kicked in right when we left the hospital and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I pretty much cried through 90% of her feedings (more on that later!), anytime I would think about her eating, and anytime I thought of Derrick. As a new mom, you're thinking about feedings a lot. And when I wasn't, I was thinking of Derrick. And when I wasn't doing either of those, I was likely sleeping. So pretty much, I cried and slept for 2 weeks. I can't really put into words what it was that was so terrible. Mostly, I think I was experiencing some serious hormonal changes, the Lortab was making me slightly crazy, I had a brand new baby that I didn't know what to do with, and I was away from my husband. I so desperately wanted her on a schedule. I think a lot of it stemmed from that, too. I had read Babywise (I know it's controversial, you can hold the comments!) and was ready to go. I thought I would be able to train her in her first week of life. Any parent reading this is likely smiling right now. It probably took me those 2 weeks to realize (with the support of family and friends) that those schedules are goals, and not something I can force immediately. I was still hanging onto it though and anytime she would veer from it, I would cry, thinking how am I ever going to do anything again? I was seriously convinced I'd never be able to work again (since I work from home) and that she would never be on a schedule. In my mind, my life was over. I need a schedule and I definitely needed my child on one! Derrick would call me and I would just starts bawling. It was pitiful!

When I was home with Derrick, things got better, but I was weaning from the pain meds and I was getting a little more used to things. However, it was still tough. Feeding was a huge stressor for me (again, more on that soon!), and we were still just trying to figure her out. All of our conversations revolved around her and her eating and sleeping and it was overwhelming. I thought we would never be able to have normal conversations again and we would never be able to just lie on the couch together and watch TV again. Sure, those things are limited now, but they do happen! And I cherish them so much more! We have to make a conscious effort for our conversations not to be all about her. It's taking time but it's getting there. 

People tell you all babies do is eat, sleep, and poop. This is true. But what those people don't tell you is that while your baby is eating, you're stressing out about it. While your baby is sleeping, you're wondering how long it might be before they wake up or why they won't sleep more than 30 minutes or why they want to be held all the time. While your baby is pooping or not pooping, you're worrying about why it's so much or why they haven't pooped in 4 days, examining it for color, consistency, and amount. Which by the way, who knows if it's a small, medium, or large amount as a new parent. Who defines that anyways?! It's poop and it's disgusting whether it's small, medium, or large. ugh! (by the way, I definitely know if it's small, medium, or large now:) ).

I write this as a reminder to myself that the beginning is awful. I've already forgotten everything it entailed, but I don't want to forget that it was the hardest 2 weeks of my life. IF we decide on more children in the (very distant) future, I need to remember that it gets better.... so much better... but I also need to remember that it was so difficult. I admit that a lot of it was my expectations. I wasn't fully prepared to deal with all the emotions, as I thought all that babies did was eat, sleep, and poop, so how hard could it be?

Derrick and I have real conversations about life now, we lie on the couch together, we go out alone, I get out alone, I'm not trapped, I get sleep, I don't do laundry all day, and while we are still working to figure out Vera's schedule, it's definitely much more defined than it was. I am sane again and I don't just sit around and cry anymore. Whew! I thought that would never end! Sure there have been a couple days where I was brought to tears by her neediness, but that's so much different than thinking my life was over.

To all the new moms out there and soon-to-be moms, don't be fooled by all the negative comments. Sure, things are about to change, and I'll be the first to tell you how terribly difficult and draining those first 2 weeks are, but I'll also be the first to tell you that it gets better and for me, all the changes have been good. I value my marriage so much more, I treasure the moments alone with Derrick, I have a compassion for people I didn't have before, I live in the moment more than ever before, I'm realizing life isn't all about schedules (although I will get her on one!), and most importantly, I survived the first 2 weeks and I couldn't be more in love with our baby girl.

Labor and Delivery

So I can't promise this won't turn out to be a mom blog :) I fully intend it to be more about our lives, but right now, this new little girl is our life! I have a few posts I'll be sharing in the next few weeks, but then I promise it won't always be about baby :)

I have been anxious to write about labor and delivery since being in the hospital! Mostly because I don't think I ever read anything about it, other than books, but I wish I had seen something more personal, more hopeful. This will be long so prepare yourself... Let's start from the beginning....

As I have mentioned before, out sweet girl was due during the worst possible time of the year in regards to both of our jobs. More specifically, she was due during the worst week for Derrick's job... RA Training. There is a camp they all go to for 2 nights during the first week of training. I had previously not wanted Derrick to go since it was past my due date and I didn't think he would have cell service, but since I wasn't making a ton of progress and it looked like Vera was staying put and it was really important to him, we decided to let him go. I would stay at my parent's house for those 2 nights. The morning he was getting ready to leave, I told him I'd go into labor as soon as he got settled into camp. As I was packing my clothes for my parent's house, I got a little teary, thinking I wouldn't be coming back to our house without a baby. But when you're 10 months pregnant, those tears don't mean much since anything can make you cry. Derrick made it to camp and got settled, and had great cell service. I had been out with my mom for some of the day and was getting home to eat dinner. During dinner, I felt something that got my attention. I made note of the time, but also tried to brush it off since at 10 months prego, anything makes you think it's time. However, exactly 5 minutes later I felt it again. I started to get nervous and during the 2nd one, my mom noticed. I continued to eat dinner and keep note of the time. Every 5-8 minutes, I was feeling contractions. The books say if you drink water, change positions, walk, etc. that they mat stop and they are false. I did all of the above... for nearly 2 hours before I called Derrick. I wanted him to know what was going on just in case they didn't stop, but I wasn't ready to be hospital bound yet. 3 hours in, I decided it was time to go. By this point, it was 9pm. They hadn't stopped and were getting worse. They were still about 5 minutes apart, lasting 30-45 seconds but they were taking my breath and getting stronger. Derrick met (aka drove like a maniac I think) from Cleveland to Gainesville to meet my mom and I there. My poor mom was excited but it also wasn't the best timing for them! My little brother had his first day of 10th grade the following morning, so she took me to the hospital and dad handled the first day of school :) The whole way to the hospital and really for the 3 hours prior, I kept second guessing it. I had envisioned Father of the Bride scenarios for weeks, where I went to the hospital multiple times and it be false labor. I really didn't want that to happen. And if it was false labor, I was getting concerned about what real labor may be like! I called my sister to let her know and Derrick called his family and everyone insisted on coming. Talk about pressure! I was really convinced they would send me home since everyone was coming!

When we first arrived, they put you in a small little room to monitor the contractions and make sure you are in labor. When I got there and admitted, around 10ish, I was around 1 cm. by 12pm, I was at 2.5 cm. It was really happening. I was nervous and excited. I was just so ready to be done being pregnant! They admitted us to labor and delivery and the show got started. Let me back up for one minute and just comment on the fact that everyone wants to give you so much information as soon as you change into a hospital gown. I had administrative people coming in and wanting me to sign consents and tell me tons of important information... all during contractions. I could not focus on anything they were saying! It was amusing but also frustrating. I'm signing consents about all the things that could go wrong while not hearing anything they are saying. That didn't stop the entire hospital stay. You'd just think there was a more appropriate time to discuss those things! Ok.. back to labor and delivery... In my head, I wanted a natural birth. I did not want an epidural, but I was open to it if I needed it but I really didn't want it. We had taken childbirth classes and had breathing patterns ready to go. I was planning on laboring in the jacuzzi as long as I could handle it, trying the birthing ball, anything to help with the pain and not have to use medication. For me, if medication was needed, it was epidural or nothing. I was not okay with narcotics. As soon as we got moved to the room and they checked on Vera, I asked to get in the jacuzzi. You're allowed to be in for 30 minutes and then you have to get out for the baby to be monitored for 10. I was planning on doing this for a while. After the first 30 minutes, the contractions were coming much quicker and much stronger. It was a struggle just to get out of the jacuzzi. Derrick helped me back to the bed and I found myself in a dilemma. I wanted to do the jacuzzi again but I was scared at how fast it had progressed me. I knew I couldn't handle the pain without getting back in but I was scared of what the pain would be like after another 30 minutes in there. At some point during this time, I started to get a little upset. I was hurting and I didn't know what my next step needed to be but I knew that the idea of an epidural was creeping in. I held out for a bit longer and couldn't take it anymore. After deliberating with Derrick, I asked for the epidural. I was sad that things weren't going as planned, but I was only almost to 4 cm and I knew I couldn't do 6 more cm without something. The anesthesiologist got there pretty fast and boy, was I glad to see her! By this point, it was only getting worse. Derrick was helping me breathe through the contractions and when I had to hunch over to get the epidural, it was like the contractions got even worse. Derrick was amazing in helping me get through that. He was making me breathe like we had learned, and the nurse and anesthesiologist even made comments about how they found themselves doing the breathing patterns too! He was a good coach :) The first epidural attempt didn't go in, so it took a little longer but the relief was pretty instant when it was in. I was so scared of the idea of an epidural, even in the moments of wanting it desperately, but at the same time, I needed relief. Once that happened, things calmed down drastically. I was stuck in the bed at this point, but I didn't care. Everyone was able to get some sleep. I didn't get a ton because I was so anxious, but it became much more relaxed! The epidural happened around 3am, so I made it 9 hours without anything. I'm proud of that fact :) At this point, labor began to slow down. I didn't know epidurals did that, but apparently they do. We sat there for the next 12ish  hours, slowly making progress. Around 3:30 or so, I was fully dilated but they have this process of letting you labor down (aka, letting the baby drop). We sat there until about 5pm and then it was push time. I got emotional again, anticipating everything that was about to happen. I was scared and excited. For the next 3 hours, I pushed as hard as I possibly could. I tried numerous positions trying to get our baby out. I was exhausted but so wanted her out. After about 2 hours, things weren't progressing. Her head wouldn't move past my pelvis. They weren't comfortable using a vacuum or forceps since she wasn't even low enough for that. At this point, the nurse staff changed and we were back with the nurse we had when I was admitted. She was absolutely fabulous! We actually went to college together but didn't really know one another. Words can't express how thankful I am for her. She came in and was ready to do whatever it took to help me get this baby out! The last hour is when things got most intense. I was working so hard and giving it everything I had. She was moving down some but she was still stuck above the pelvis. I was on hands and knees, using the squatting bar, and a few other things. The one thing that was most motivational was the mirror. I had previously turned this down because who really wants to see that? I definitely didn't, but my nurse told me it was the only thing that got her son out. I gave in and told them to put it up. I have to say it was the best decision. To not get totally graphic, it wasn't the nasty scene I thought it was going to be and seeing Vera's little head only made me want to push more.However, it just wasn't happening. After another hour, they called the midwife and doctor back in to check and it was the same story... she still wasn't low enough to use anything to assist. The doctor began to explain that they could give me a little more time if we wanted it, but that we were putting ourselves at risk for an emergency c-section situation. I definitely didn't want to get either of us in an emergency situation. At this point, my world was slowly crashing. I had prepared myself for a lot of scenarios during labor and delivery but I had NEVER prepared for being fully dilated, pushing for 3 hours, and still requiring a c-section. I was so upset but Derrick and I had no choice. This baby was not coming out on her own and risking an emergency scenario was not worth 30 more minutes of pushing. I was pretty upset and got myself worked up over it. I remember my nurse being so encouraging and assuring me that it just wasn't God's plan for her come any other way. I can't believe I even remember her words but they really stuck out in those moments. I was being prepped to head back to the OR and was still upset. Planner me just couldn't come to terms with what was going down. I remember saying to the nurses, "I'm so excited to meet her, but she kinda sucks". Haha... sorry Vera :) The nurses seemed to appreciate my sense of humor.

In the OR, I was getting nervous. I couldn't breathe because I had gotten myself so upset and the combo of lying flat on my back was not helping. That's just cause I was 10 months pregnant though. No one can breathe like that. They gave me oxygen and were numbing me and I wasn't liking it. I asked to sit up but it was too late. I could feel myself getting really claustrophobic but there was no solution. The anesthesiologist could  tell I wasn't handling it well and was trying to help me get a deep breath but I was struggling. I was lying there just praying that I could get it together. At that point, Derrick came in, scrubs and all :) I was happy to see him and get the show on the road. I thought I was still being prepped and I could feel the doctors pushing and tugging, although it wasn't painful at all, and before I knew it they were telling Derrick he could stand up and watch. She was finally here :) All the nurses immediately started talking about the size of her big head and how no wonder she wouldn't come out. My only thought was, "Why is she not crying?" I immediately asked that and the responses was, "oh, she will in a minute". In the next few seconds I heard those sweet cries and watched as they moved her over to start wiping her down and examining her. I was in awe. I was watching her and watching Derrick. I remember Derrick mouthing to me over and over "She's so beautiful". It was such a sweet moment. I wasn't worried about not being able to breathe anymore and was totally focused on our sweet girl. Then suddenly, I realized I hadn't counted her fingers and toes. From my position on the table, I began frantically counting and was able to count them all :) I have no idea why this occurred to me or why it was so crucial, as it wouldn't have mattered, but I needed to account for them all :) I have no idea how long all of this took, but I know her 9 pounds got quite the reaction from everyone in the room. Before I knew it, they were taking her out and Derrick was going with her. They immediately gave me something to help calm me down and apparently I fell asleep. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the recovery room and see Derrick holding her. Another sweet moment. She breastfed (which is supposed to be a tender moment and I really don't remember it... again, sorry Vera :)) They bathed her, which I definitely remember. She wasn't a fan. But honestly, this whole hour is really a blur. A lot of it I don't remember and have pieced together since being back home. The absolute worst part of the entire process came at this point. Apparently, the nurses have to press on you abdomen to check on your uterus and to help expel anything still in there. This was the most painful thing I encountered all day. She had to do it every 15 minutes for that hour and it was just terrible. I was just so sore already and it hurt so bad. But that hour went fast.

The next few days in the hospital were so special. We had a lot of visitors but we also had a lot of time of just me and Derrick. He has been so great through everything, which I will blog about later. Those days mostly consisted of pain meds, sleep, and holding our girl. Our entire relationship as husband and wife changed, literally overnight. I have always been pretty modest in terms of gross stuff, and that's definitely out the window! I needed help in and out of the shower and changing clothes the first couple of times. The criteria after a c-section to be discharged it to be able to pass gas. That's romantic :) We had romantic walks down the halls to help get things going. So much for being modest!

While absolutely nothing went as planned, we could not have asked for a better experience. We talk about it all the time. The doctors and nurses, the stay, everything was so fabulous. Labor was not what I thought it would be at all. I envisioned terrible, screaming, movie-like scenes. While I was definitely in pain and the pressure I felt when it was push time was painful (even with an epidural), it was not nearly as bad as I thought. Labor and delivery no longer scares me. I can do that part again, and I don't think it's cause I've already forgotten! Being pregnant was way harder for me! And the pushing on my stomach post c-section, I could do without :) I just want other women to know that. Granted, I can't comment on what the final pushes may feel like since I couldn't get there, but everything else was seriously not that bad. Yes, it involved some pain but for me, it was tolerable and when it wasn't anymore, the epidural did it's job. Again, while nothing went as planned, on August 7th, at exactly 9pm, Vera joined this world, weighing in at 9 pounds even and 20.5" inches long with a 15" head :) Vera is here and healthy and that's all that really matters :)

EDIT: I completely forgot to comment on who was in the labor room. I'm only editing this because it's for me to remember :) Throughout the 25 hours (OMG!), Derrick's parents were in there, his sister, my mom and sister, and my dad came in to say hello right as it was about to be push time. However, they were pretty in and out and when I started getting upset they moved to the waiting room and held out there :) Anyways, my mom had planned to be in the labor room with us to watch Vera's arrival. I had also told my sister she was welcome to stay if she wanted to, but she had no interest. On the actual day, she did decide to stay. I am so thankful for everyone who was in that room. It really did take all of them. There was no standing in the shadows. For the majority of the time, if not all of it (some of it is a blur), Derrick was holding one leg and my mom was holding the other while I forced my sister to keep my handheld fan on my face. That is one thing for other moms to take note of! I was absolutely burning up the entire time. My mom and husband are both pretty hot natured and they were so bundled up the majority of the time! I think mom finally took her jacket off around the 1 hour mark of pushing. Ha... so anyone in that room should take layers! The fan was the best idea I had. I remember having to tell Leslie multiple times that she wasn't holding it right :) I also want to comment on the fact (and to have it as proof) that Derrick thanked me for being so nice during labor. ha... I think we both expected a lot different out of me. I only remember having to tell him to quit being so loud at one point. I don't even remember what it was over though. The only other thing I remember doing was telling my sister to quit counting so loud for the pushing and to hold the fan on me more :) And that's all I wanted to add!

Almost Time

I can't believe it's been mid-May since I have posted! What a whirlwind it has been! In the midst of wrapping up the school year, we found out that Derrick was offered the position of Assistant Director of Residence Life at UNG. We were beyond thrilled! While we have loved our time living on campus, we were getting ready to be able to move into our own real place. We were only interested in renting and we knew we had to move quickly, so we started the house search ASAP! We found a few places but none seemed just right, and through a series of events, found out that a couple we had run the Peachtree with previously needed someone to rent their place. They are good friends of a close friend of ours. It was one of the neighborhoods we were interested in, and the price was right! We had secured a place in about a week. After that, the packing began. We had some beach trips approaching, so we were living out of boxes in between those trips and finally made the official move at the end of June. Within a couple of week, we were all settled! Which brings us to about now! I've started back to work and Derrick is frantically preparing for RA training and Vera's arrival.

As an elementary school teacher, I'm obviously a planner. I always had ideas of the best time to have a baby. With our complications, I found I didn't really care anymore and a baby was more important than the timing. Derrick's work was never really an issue because there's really only one month that would be horrible and the likelihood of that would be slim. Well, that month would be August. And we're due August 2nd. It's seriously the worst timing. But we still couldn't be happier! We'd just love her to make her appearance tonight :)

Moving has also made it hard to tell if I've been nesting or not. Our amazing families helped us paint, clean, and move-in. I seriously made them scrub this place from top to bottom. I think that part may have been the nesting! I finally was able to work on the nursery which was so exciting! We had been putting it off since we knew Derrick would be job-searching and we could possibly be moving. Having that ready made me feel so much more prepared and ready for her arrival! Since then, we've attended numerous classes getting ready for this baby. Actually, just 3, but that's a lot! Most recently, we finished up Childbirth class. I'm the prepared type so I like to know what to expect.... it helps to calm me. Today, we toured the hospital. It didn't calm me. Besides the fact that Vera was trying to bust out of my stomach during the tour, it was a little too real for me! I'm a little more on the nervous side right now! I also want to do this naturally, no pain medications, so I think that makes me more nervous, too! It's going to be an experience, that's fo' sho'!

Overall, we're ready. It's no secret I hate being pregnant. That hasn't really changed. My next update will likely be her arrival story! Let's hope for the best!

The Guilt

So lately I've noticed (and if you follow me on social media, you have likely noticed) that I've become really negative about pregnancy. And frankly, I've been feeling pretty guilty about that. For so long, we mourned over the fact that we were struggling to stay pregnant. When I got pregnant and things were looking positive, I prayed I would be sick until I could feel that precious baby kicking. I regretted that prayer in many instances, but it still comforted me. Well, now, Vera is practically trying to bust out of my uterus and I'm still miserable. I knew pregnancy would be hard. I never expected it to be easy. I watched my mom be super sick with my brother and I heard friends complaining. In my moments of sadness, I would be so angry that they were complaining. They were pregnant, how could they complain when there are so many people around who want that? Well.... now I understand. I just wasn't completely prepared for it. Throwing up multiple times a day, headaches, the aches and pains, the swelling, the weird ridiculously itchy rash on my feet and hands... it's just been too much for me lately. And for that, I've felt guilty. How could I think those things when I wanted this so much? It's just been an ongoing battle. I haven't sugar-coated anything in our journey to have a baby, and I'm proud of that, but I also don't like the negativity I've acquired. I think I'm also self-conscious about the fact that I think I only post pregnancy-related things and I don't want to be that person, but it is my life right now! I'm trying to be more cautious on both things, but it's difficult.

I'm just ready to meet this sweet baby. I want to know what she looks like, start learning her personality, and be able to hold her. I'm getting anxious about delivery day and I'm just tired... tired of being pregnant (but it's still too soon for her to make an appearance!) I'm anxiously awaiting school to be out so I don't have to worry about it anymore and can just start enjoying myself more. Decorating her room will be fun and the beach trips we have planned will be fabulous! I know it's only going to get harder these next couple of months and I'm trying to mentally prepare for that.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I can't change anything that happened. I didn't do anything to lose our other babies but it's just an emotion that I've been noticing. There is no book on how to feel or what to do when I feel these things. All I know is I so desperately wanted to meet our 3 little ones that we lost and speaking negatively about pregnancy creates an emotion of guilt in me. I know we'll meet those babies and what a glorious day that will be! But until then, I still have this life to do, and if I'm miserable sometimes, that's okay. I know there will be many days where Vera has me so upset/mad/frustrated/confused, and I have to focus on the present and the future. I'm sure the guilt is only beginning and I know having her here with us will only create another sense of grief over never meeting our other babies, but I also know I have a responsibility to Vera (and any other babies we get to meet) and one day, there will be the most wonderful reunion Derrick and I could ever imagine. Until then, I've got to work on this guilt and know that everything can't be glorious for the rest of my life, but I can learn to be more appreciative!

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

I have thought about writing this post for some time now but would quickly realize that we had another appointment quickly approaching or something to that effect and I would shy away from posting because I thought I would jinx the health of our baby if I posted about how well things were going. That's the life of pregnancy after miscarriage. Over the past few months, I've had some friends reach out to me who were in the same boat and just didn't know how to handle it. I had nothing positive to tell them. There was no secret for how I was getting through and managing this pregnancy. Honestly, I haven't been.

From day one, I had a hard time accepting that we were pregnant. I think we both had learned to distance ourselves from the excitement. It's a sad truth but it's the only way we had learned to cope. Of course, we would be sad if we lost the baby, but it helped to not get too excited initially. When we first heard the heartbeat, we gained a little confidence. The sicker I was, the happier we were. On the days I wasn't sick, I would take note of the day and think to myself "We lost the baby today".

I refused to document this pregnancy through pictures, through a pregnancy journal, or anything that would be permanent. I would even put sonogram pictures on a shelf that I didn't see daily, just in case something happened and I wouldn't have to face it. I think a lot of this was unconscious in the moments, but looking back, I think there was more to it. Heck, I even refused to write this post for a while! I was nervous to buy a crib, clothes, everything with the thought of how hard it would be to put those things away if things didn't turn out for the best. With every symptom or lack thereof, I refused (although occasionally lapsed) to google it. For those of you in a similar boat, don't do it. Absolutely EVERYTHING can be a sign that you are miscarrying or a sign that everything is fine. There was no comfort and it usually brought me something else to be fearful about.

With every doctor's appointment, about a week before, I would begin to get really nervous. I was convinced there would be no heartbeat and I had to mentally and emotionally prepare my heart for that news that the doctor could deliver. Everytime I have to pee, it was like a freakin' science experiment examining tissue for any blood evidence. (I know that's gross, but it's true). On the days I felt good, I couldn't bring myself to exercise because after exercise was always when I had my first signs that we had lost our babies. At my last appointment, as morbid as it may sound, I asked the doctor how far along I needed to be for there to be a chance of survival. For those of you wondering, there are 3 milestones: 24 weeks and a baby will typically survive although there is a higher risk for long term problems associated with the prematurity, 28 weeks and the baby has an even better chance for survival with not a very high chance for long term problems, but likely some short term ones and, after 32 weeks, while the baby would have to spend some time in the NICU, it's almost as good as having a full term baby with little likelihood for issues.

I've spent a lot of days in prayer, especially in the beginning. Although the days were few where I had no symptoms, I would freak in those moments. If I only threw up once a day I would be nervous. In those few moments I felt good, I would pray that I would stay sick until Vera started moving regularly. God heard those prayers because it hasn't really let up! Let's just hope he heard the whole prayer and when she starts moving regularly, I'm no longer sick :) Now, in the moments that I am actually sick I wonder why the heck He chose to hear those prayers and why in the world I would have asked for that. If you've ever been pregnant and sick, you know how stupid that prayer sounds, but it's been a (weird) comfort for me. Now, when I haven't felt distinct movements for a couple days, I again will take note of the day (and sometimes time if I had a weird sensation) and find myself thinking "We just lost her".

Statistics don't comfort me anymore. I know it's unlikely to lose a baby this far along, but it was also unlikely to have 2 miscarriages in a row and even more unlikely to have 3. Seriously, it's like less than 1 percent. A heartbeat means good things, but for me, it has not provided any real comfort. I've literally had to have faith that Vera's life is not in my hands and there's nothing I can do to ensure anything.

A college friend is having a baby girl soon and naming her Vera. I wrote her to let her know I wasn't stealing her baby's name :) and she mentioned they liked the meaning of the name. I hadn't even looked this up yet! I did and found that the name Vera means "faith". It was such a defining moment for me because this whole pregnancy had been such a test of faith. With every symptom, lack of symptom, appointment, etc. I had to just trust that everything would be okay. That's not always what I did or how I handled it, but day in and day out I have to have faith that Vera is just fine. It's not easy, but it's certainly something I'm learning to do and getting more comfortable with.

The fear hasn't really left me although I have learned to put it aside and to pray through those moments or remind myself of the last time I threw up or felt movement and usually, the answer to one of those is within the past 24 hours (or usually 12 hours), and I can be calm for a little longer. So long story short, pregnancy after miscarriage is scary. There's no secret to managing all the emotions. Although time and good check ups bring a bit more confidence each time, I imagine I am not going to feel she is safe until she's in my arms, and in that moment, I'm sure there will be a whole new flood of things to be fearful about. I guess I've been welcomed into parenthood! 

The Reveal

Well, it's no secret that we had our gender reveal party a little over a week ago... It's a girl! Around Tuesday (before the party), the envelope started to haunt me. I was getting anxious. I called ahead to Publix to make sure they could fill the box (that was a pain in the butt to wrap!). She said to bring it on Thursday and I could pick it up Friday. Well, on Thursday, she said she could do it and I could just wait for it. Ah! I wasn't prepared to have the box in my possession for over 24 hours. I went to my parents house and hid it in the basement without telling anyone. I knew my family would drive me crazy trying to peak (which my brother did as soon as I brought the box up on Friday!)

I've never handled parties well. I don't know why. My parents say none of us ever did. I just get anxious and on the verge of tears every time. It's strange. I knew once everyone was there, I'd be fine. I also don't like surprises. I thought I'd be ok with this one since the surprise was only one of two things but it proved to be hard, too. I like small surprises, as in Derrick bringing home flowers, but not big ones. I'm weird... I know. And I don't know what it is that makes me feel that way. It's probably because I'm not in control.

I also think finding out gender was very scary for me because it made having a baby so much real. With everything we've been through, the idea of knowing the gender was scary. It's sad that I think like that now but it's honest. It's still a little hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant. I get nervous every time we have a doctor's appointment and get afraid the baby didn't make it. But so far, every time, Vera is just perfect. I also think it's hard to believe because I don't have much of a bump yet. Sometimes, this bothers me, but then I realize it's just going to be less work to get rid of it after Vera is here. So I'm kinda loving it now! And even though I feel like I've gained 10 pounds, I've lost 3 since the beginning and have maintained that the entire way so far. So I'm okay with it :)

So about the name.... originally, Derrick and I liked the name London. As I've mentioned before we are partial to state/city/location names. It's weird, I know. I don't even remember how the conversation started, but it was a while ago. I always referred to my grandma (Dad's mom) as grandma Bonnie. My mom mentioned that her first name was Vera and I fell in love. Then I realized I could combine my Grandma Ruth (mom's mom) and my mom's middle name (Sue) and get Rue. I was instantly in love with that name and what it meant. Both of my grandma's were so very important and special to me, and obviously so is my mom. It was a little harder to convince Derrick but the more he heard it, the more he liked it. And his family has a tradition for a boy's name that we were going to go with so it's only fair I get the girl's name :)  So that's where the name comes from. Oh, and it's Vera as in Vera Wang or Vera Bradley. Which I know is not phonetically correct but oh well. I'm really not sure yet how I'll refer to her.... Vera or Vera Rue. I'm sure it will be a mix. As for embroidered things, either is fine! I love how Vera Rue looks, so we'll see!

Below are some pics from the reveal!

The box with the secret!

 

We made everyone take their pick before we revealed. Girls- 13 Boys- 12 (Mommy was right by the way :))

 

The reveal! When we planned the party, we didn't account for the fact that it's pitch black outside. Oh well!

It's a girl!

A Pregnant Girl's Rant

I'm going to preface this by saying that I am beyond thrilled to be pregnant, and this far along. In no way do I wish that were different.... however, that doesn't make it a bed of roses either.

It totally sucks:

8. Felling sick all day
7. Throwing up on a pretty regular basis
6. Eating bland foods all day (to prevent reason #7)
5. Not being able to workout due to reason #8 and #7)
4. My vision completely leaving me (all because of baby!- I didn't wear glasses before but need them almost full time now!)
3. Being told to quit sleeping on your back when it's the only position that doesn't make me want to hurl
2. Not having a good's night sleep due to bathroom runs or other reasons I'm not sure of!


But the thing that sucks the most is.....

1. buying fat clothes to get fatter in.

(Maybe I'll feel different about that when I have a legit baby bump... we'll see).


Anyways, this baby {bump} business is not what it's cracked up to be!{And I'm also vain}

However, when I hear that sweet little heartbeat and see our sweet baby moving all around, it makes it all worth it.

Wishing & Hoping & Thinking & Praying

I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. I wanted to focus on how I was feeling over the Holidays and really, it's just been so hectic since then. We've had a lot going on with work, our personal lives, and many other things. I thought about secretly blogging, and I wish I would have but we've just been so busy! I'm going to try and recreate all the emotions I've had over the past couple months... so here goes.

Before you start reading though, the most important thing you need to know is we're pregnant :) I know that's really not a surprise since getting pregnant isn't a problem for us and I think many of you have been wondering why I haven't come out with that news yet. But given our history, I think you understand! (You should also know there's really no rhyme or reason to the italic, bold, or underlines words. It just makes me feel fancy :)) Anyways, even though I said I hadn't been secretly blogging, I am now, so currently I'm 2 days shy of 12 weeks but you won't be reading this for another couple of weeks at least! I should also go ahead and apologize to the people we've flat out lied to but you people are getting comfortable asking if we're pregnant and we're so appreciative of your love and support for us but we just had to keep it under wraps for a while.

Right after Thanksgiving, we found out we were expecting. It was exciting and scary. As many of you know (well, maybe not), but we had just experienced our 3rd miscarriage in late October and that's also around the same time I got pregnant. Well, technically a couple weeks later I guess. Regardless, that made it scary too. It also gave us a lot of unknowns since we didn't know how far along we were or anything. When I took the pregnancy test, first of all, it was at night. That was a bad idea because I'm such a line freak. If it's not bright and dark, I freak out (Myrtle and Lincoln both gave us faint, on and off lines). That's not to scare anyone else, but for me personally, it meant bad things. The test was so bright and so dark. I literally fell to my knees and prayed. I couldn't go through all that again. And not so soon again. After 3 miscarriages, the excitement of wanting to tell your husband in a fun way fades. I hate that for us, but it's part of it (more on that later). Derrick was literally on his way out the door for a night meeting and I was like "Wait! Look at this"... intimate moment, right? He was a little taken back but was happy and went on his way. It's pretty sad when I think about how we've become. It's just so scary! We are trying to guard our hearts while experiencing joy at the same time. Not easy, friends. Some days, I feel like we've been so robbed of the experience, but I also know that we are going to be able to appreciate a baby in our arms so much more (not that people who don't have issues don't appreciate their baby's, but I hope you get what I mean). Anyways, we moved forward cautiously and optimistically. In my heart, it did feel a little different, but that's always hard to know if it's truly my heart or just me wanting that. As the weeks went by, we felt more and more comfortable. Nausea, along with some other noticeable symptoms, hit sometime around week 6 and hasn't let up. I've had a few good days, but I've been so miserable. Miserable, but happy :)

Long story short, we told our parents right around Christmas when we were 8 weeks and had seen the ultrasound. Oh yeah, I didn't even talk about that! Ok... this post is going to be long. Sorry. I knew I should have secretly blogged. So once we found out, we scheduled an appointment. Had an u/s and saw everything that needed to be there minus the baby. A little scary, but I was also measuring a little over 5 weeks, so not uncommon. Still scary though. We went back a week later to see our little nugget (which really was a blueberry sized mass of cells) and heard the heartbeat. I laid there and cried. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. We've never had a heartbeat and we lost Jessie before the 6 week mark (even though I was 10 weeks). It was huge for us. We went back a few weeks later and had another u/s to check on everything. It was the most amazing experience. The baby was huge! Granted, in real life it was only the size of a lime or something, but it looked massive. You could seem, the body, head, arms, and legs. It was even moving all around. AMAZING.Heard the heartbeat again, and of course, I cried again. We were feeling great. We also found out at that appointment that I was 10 weeks instead of 9. That was such an answer to prayers because when we hit week 9, I started to become very anxious. That's when things turned bad for us with Jessie. We lost Jessie right before week 10 hit. So to hear them say, "Oh, you're actually 10 weeks" and to skip that whole week I was so worried about, was incredible.

All was well until almost week 12. Let me back up just a little, because all of this ties together. Between week 10 and 12, we started contemplating switching doctors. I wasn't comfortable with delivering at the hospital in Dahlonega. I have been there a few times (our u/s have been there) and I just didn't love it. While my doctor had been amazing in helping us get some answers, I also didn't get the warm fuzzies there. We decided to switch back to the doctor we had visited after we lost Jessie (never going back to that doctor!) Well, a couple days later the original office called me back to let me know that there is a strong chance they will start delivering at one of the bigger hospitals nearby. They gave me some more details (which I'm trying to be respectful of in case they still haven't announced) so now I was back to square one. I had been so confident in our decision but now I was confused. Well, then week (almost) 12 hits. I woke up to blood. Freaked out. Made an appointment for that day, but was starting to think everything might be okay for reasons I'm not going to explain, which you'll understand in a few sentences down. But still, we were shaken. We get to the doctor and find out there is no sign of vaginal bleeding but I actually had a small hemorrhoid (I know, that's gross, but it's not like I haven't blogged about grosser things). We did the u/s (which was also great because they can now do it on my stomach!) and we saw the baby moving all around again and heard the little heartbeat. Sweetest sound ever. We were so relieved. I also realized in this moment that that was the doctor's office I wanted to be at. So I got my answer. I had also started to get really anxious because I'm almost out of progesterone (which I've been taking since we found out). I felt like an addict counting how many I had left till I ran out. My doctor was able to reassure me that I'm completely fine, which of course I fired back with some questions, mostly about "but what if my placenta isn't developed?" (because progesterone production is taken over by that) and he was able to prove to me that it had developed. So I'm really believing this was God's way of answering our doctor question and my progesterone addiction. I'm still scared to come off of it, but by the time you're reading this, I will have been off of it and had another u/s, so we will know if we're good to go!

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm so glad to be nearing trimester 2 ( I definitely just typed semester, btw). My doctor told me the chance of miscarriage at this point is slim, although I know it's always a possibility. But I have been getting nervous that as I near this trimester, that just means if I miscarry, they have to induce labor. That's a scary thing to consider, but I know women do it everyday. Regardless, we still need your prayers and love and support. We're happy and baby seems to be thriving but we go through spells! Pray for peace over the next months!

I think that about sums it up. We can't wait to share this news with you and hopefully, things are still going well at that point!

New Year.... Finally!

Since about April I've wanted this year to be over. That want only grew with each new miscarriage. Today, I am more than ready for a new year! I have to admit that 2012 has been filled with so many ups and downs. We got to experience the excitement of being pregnant, a few times :) We grew so much closer and we hit the 3 year mark of marriage, had great times with our friends and family, and grew so much as individuals. It was a tough year, but many lessons learned. Regardless of all the good, I'm ready for a new year!

It's been a while since I posted so for a brief update, I've really just been trying to focus on the holidays. Thanksgiving was tough. Mostly because we should have had a newborn there with us. I had a breakdown, but after a nap, I was much better. Christmas wasn't as tough, but I think I knew what to expect. Of course, from this point on, everything will be, our baby would be this old.... etc. It's just a part of our lives now and I'm learning to deal with it. There is one exception.... I have a running New Year Resolution that I will be better at writing cards to people and I fail every year. I do hope to do that!

Now... on to 2013! At the beginning of the year, the FABS (my 4 best friends since high school) and I were talking about our New Year Resolutions. I had kinda forgot about them until I started thinking about resolutions for the new year. However, they are worth mentioning! I got quite a response out of mine... I had 3 resolutions. 1. Run a marathon; 2. Get pregnant; 3. Lose 10 pounds. Now you can see why my friends laughed. Those 3 things don't really go together. However, I'm here to proudly announce I accomplished all 3. Boom! I did run a marathon, I did get pregnant (outdid myself on this :)) and I went back and looked at my weight loss tracking and over the year, I officially lost 10 pounds. It wasn't all at one time and I did a very poor job of maintaining that loss, but it happened. So basically I learned my resolutions weren't specific enough. I should have said get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby and lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Live and learn I guess :) Now, because of our year and reflecting on these resolutions and my lack of specifics, I'm not making resolutions for 2013. My OCD will be in full drive if I do and each resolution would probably be a paragraph long with more details than even I want to think of. And I'm sure I would also be freaking out that I left a detail off. I'm pretty sure we can all predict what my resolutions would look like though. So instead of resolutions I'm going to focus on a word. This idea was brought to my attention just a couple of days ago from my friend, Jill. I didn't give it much thought for myself until now but it seems fitting. I think I am going to focus on the word grateful. No matter our circumstances, there is something to be grateful for. Best wishes to you and yours!

Pressing On

I really cannot believe it is mid-November. When we found out we were pregnant in February, I thought it would feel like forever to get to the due date. While so much has happened since that time, it went by fast! I have a lot to udpate on so good luck :)

Mid to late October, Derrick and I found out we were pregnant again. Mid to late October plus 2 days, we found out we had miscarried again. That is a complete and total shock to so many of you and I apologize. I just really hit a low this time and didn't have the courage to talk about it as openly. I was mad. Actually, I was pissed. When I first suspected something was wrong, I prayed so hard that it would not be the case and that it wasn't a pregnancy but I had already seen that positive test. I knew. My heart was broken. I was so mad at God and it took so much for me to admit that. How could He do this to us, again? I'm struggling much more with the anger phase this time around.  I'm still dealing with lots of emotions, but I have also found some people to help me with that. I started attending support meetings with Rock Goodbye Angel (RGA). A friend, who has experienced her own loss, first told me about them when we lost Jessie. When we lost Myrtle, my doctor gave me some information about them. I had been looking at it and thinking about it, but I wasn't about to go to a support group meeting and be like, "Hey. I'm Lauren. I can't stay pregnant." Um... no thanks. Ashamedly, I thought I wasn't going to a support group like an alcoholic to admit anything. That is not a rip on AA! I totally support this and now I understand why those people don't want to go! But you should! They're probably like, I'm not going to meetings like those pregnancy loss people to talk about my problems. I get it.  Anyways, after losing our third, I had to go. I couldn't carry it alone anymore. Derrick is super supportive and does whatever he can, whenever he can, but I needed women who understand women. Anyways, it's been a God send. I encourage you to find some type of support group if you're dealing with anything... even if it's been years! There are women there who experienced loss so many years ago and it's always going to be a struggle and you need to know that. I still have a lot of healing to do (aka when I can quit crying the whole time!) but I know I'll get there. Most importantly, I now can confidently say that I am a mom. My life changed when I saw those positive tests, and that makes me a mom. It's definitely in a different way, and I'm not claiming to know anything about motherhood or being a mother, but I have babies and that's a title no one can take away.

Of course, we ended up back at the doctor. It should also be stated that we were not trying to get pregnant, as we still had one more month before we were supposed to. I know that's really hard for some of you to hear. Those of you who are struggling with that and my heart goes out to you. But we are thankful for the ease at which we can make babies :) Heaven is going to be so much sweeter! I didn't know Derrick's grandparents, but I just picture both my grandma's loving on our sweet babies and that is a wonderful feeling. Anyways (I think I'm ADD these days!), we ended up being really encouraged. Our doctor (who I have to remember is just a doctor!) feels that this loss was chromosomal and something was not right the baby. She thinks the others have been a progesterone deficiency, which I had started taking when we found out, but literally, the next day, I miscarried, so the baby was already gone by that time. We did have chromosomal testing done, which I have previously written about, stating that I had no interest in this. Well, that changed. We decided that we needed to know, but we also decided we didn't want to know WHO it was (btw... watching Derrick get blood drawn was VERY entertaining... I now know how to make him do what I want!) . I think we would both blame ourselves for years to come. Today, we found out that everything is completely normal on both sides. I was so relieved to hear this information and I didn't even know I had been stressed about it! Tomorrow, we should find out how my Vitamin D has progressed. At this point, if we have another miscarriage, we will be referred to a specialist. I'm hoping the next one develops normally (duh), but at least we know what's next.

Of course, we also decided to name this baby. Which I have not shared with anyone now that I think about it. Not even our families! But I'm already typing this now, so oops :) We decided to name our baby Lincoln. Which is interesting, because we also already have a weird obsession with state/city names and we realized that 2 of our babies fit under this, and we had no intention of that! Anyways, Lincoln really only comes from one reason. And I apologize in advance for the lack of discretion I'm about to show (especially to our bunk mates :)), but we know when this baby was conceived, and the area we stayed in Chicago was called Lincoln Park. We so enjoyed the experience and our time here (obviously, haha) and it just reminds us of the exciting time. I had that baby with me during the marathon, even if it was just a group of cells beginning the formation of a sweet baby.

Jessie's due date also came and went. I was so anxious over this day. November 12th was our due date, and while I know a ton of things could have changed that, I had such ownership over it once we lost Jessie. It just came so quickly! I had been encouraged to find a way to honor our babies at RGA and I am so glad for this. I had already planned to get charms for my Pandora bracelet that represented them in some way, but that wasn't a real honor, or something that would continue every year. So we decided to celebrate with a small dessert. We both got some fudge (from the yummy fudge shop) and put candles (aka matches, because you can't really expect a 26 year old without children or nephews to keep candles) in it and blew them out, with wishes! That was the saddest piece of fudge I have ever eaten, but it was good for the soul! We will continue to do that, with each child, each year. We want out future children (God willing) to know about their siblings and to one day, understand. It was a tough day but we felt your love and support!

Now for a few random comments!

Over the past 2 weeks, I have heard the best and worst responses to our situation and I just wanted to share those! The worst has been a response that referred to our situation as awkward. Um, no. Not awkward. It really ticked me off, but I got over it am getting over it. The best was the response of "You'll get the hang of it soon!" This could have been taken offensively, but it was the first time someone had the courage to make light of it and it just made me smile (and laugh!).

I borrowed a book from one of the ladies at RGA that has helped me so much. It's called I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. It helped me to understand what the Bible says about pregnancy loss and specifically miscarriage. It answered so many questions I didn't even know I had. It gave such clarity, and I can now confidently say that when I die and go to Heaven, there will be no confusion as to who my babies are and what a sweet, sweet day that will be, for more reasons than my 3!

Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're not giving up hope yet! I also didn't proof read this post, because it's too long, so if you're reading this, I commend you and also expect you to forgive my errors :)

Chicago Marathon

Well I've been wanting to update about Chicago for a while but haven't found the time! Well, I found it and hope I don't leave out any fun details!

As you know, my training for this marathon was pretty non-exsistent. And I developed Achilles tendonitis a couple weeks prior to the race. I was still excited to be going to Chicago but very, very afraid! Derrick and I left VERY early Thursday morning and arrived in Chicago before 9am. Our friend, Jill, had arranged accommodations at a Hostel. I was slightly concerned about being shot here but it actually turned out okay! The place was overflowing with young international students. I felt old, but that's normal lately (per my facebook statuses' :)) Anyways, we couldn't check in until 3 so we explored out little town of Lincoln Park. I quickly fell in love with Chicago! As the day continued, the rest of our travel partners arrived, Jill and her friend Sophia.

The weekend continued with sight-seeing (which was not helping my Achilles tendonitis one bit)! We enjoyed Chicago Style Hot Dogs (which kinda made me sick), Garrett's Popcorn (amazing!) and Deep-dish Pizza! For a non-pizza lover, I'm convinced I would weigh 400 pounds if I lived in Chicago and so close to this pizza place. Amazing! We enjoyed Navy Pier and Millenium Park mostly. The "Bean" was quite entertaining for us. And we spent a ridiculous amount of time at the Expo because we're those people. We like free things, what can I say?! And we got to go to Second City, a comedy club where lots of famous people started.

Race day quickly approached and I was absolutely.freaking.out. I thought I might throw up but I really needed to keep the carbs down that I had consumed the night before and that morning! Not to mention that it was freezing and I already had to buy pants instead of the shorts I had prepared to wear. Any runner knows how scary it is to switch clothes on race day that you've never trained in! We were a little late getting there and storing our bags that we were running to the start corral. It was so absolutely packed that we didn't even really get to stretch. Awesome way to start a marathon! We waited in the corral for close to 30 minutes I think before crossing the start line. I was still freaking out. I really did not think I would be able to do it and quitting was not an option for me at this point. For the first 6 miles, I still wasn't sure what I was really doing. In my head, I had to come up with a game plan. I was using Jill's running plan, but I needed a little more. I decided that the first 6.5 miles were going to be for Jessie and the next 6.5 for Myrtle. I don't think I've ever experienced an easier 13 miles than I did that day (it probably helped that Chicago was extremely flat!). After mile 13, I really didn't know what would happen. I knew my competitive side would kick in and I might as well finish. But then mile 16 hit. Up until this mile, Jill and I were running together. Derrick went on at mile 6 I believe. We were running 6 miles and walking 1ish. I couldn't do this anymore. I decided to start running 4 minutes and walking 1 minute. At mile 21, I was hurting, grouchy, and hungry. We ran through so many beautiful areas that smelled so good! They should close restaurants when marathons are going on. It was freezing and the smell of coffee was overwhelming! Anyways, by mile 21 I was miserable. At some point, I ended up walking about 3 minutes to refuel. When I attempted to run again, my body hated me. I realized at that point that only walking for 1 minute was crucial. I wasn't quitting with only 5 miles left. It became a slow, slow jog. There were so many people around me way more miserable than I was, and that encouraged me ( I know, that's mean, but it did).

5 hours and 25 minutes later, I crossed the finish line. When I turned the corner to last 2 tenths of a mile, I lost it. I could barely run with the tears beginning to stream down my face and trying to hold back the tears. I had a few emotional moments throughout the course, but the end was just liberating. After all I had been through physically prior to this race, I was just so happy. I was happy I made it and I was SO incredibly happy it was over!

It truly was an amazing long weekend. From the beginning I have said I wanted to do one marathon just to say I did it. The worst part is, I already want to beat that time (which won't be hard with any training at all!) It's disgusting that I even have the desire to do another one. But it won't be anytime soon! I'm thinking 5 or 6 years from now!